Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (August 22, 2008)

WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE
The revolving wheel of BGWE columnists continues to spin, and I’m back for another week in the hot-seat. The last time I had this gig, I may have come off a bit, uh, cranky, for which I preemptively begged an indulgence that you so very generously granted.

But this week, I am in a much less cantankerous frame of mind and determined to take a much more measured and even-handed approach, and I promise that…

Oh, who am I kidding?! Let the crankiness begin!

Brent's compatriots in crankiness

THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN!
As the whole world knows by now, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married in a surprise ceremony this Sunday, causing US Weekly to put up a poll that asked: “Which gay couple would you like to see married next?” (Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka were in the lead.)

Ellen and Portia being harassed by a levitating People logo

Part of me thinks this is just great. What better a way to humanize the issue of homosexuality and same-sex marriage than to feature beloved, attractive celebrities tying the knot?

But part of me is wary. First, there was the complete debacle that was Ellen and Anne Heche. Then Julie Cypher, one half of the world’s second most famous lesbian couple, doesn’t just leave Melissa Etheridge, she decides she’s not really a lesbian. And in December 2007, Jodie Foster finally comes out, thanking "my beautiful Cydney, who sticks with me through the rotten and the bliss”…only to reportedly leave her for another woman three months later.

Anne Heche & Ellen DeGeneres, Cydney Bernard & Jodie Foster, Melissa Etheridge & Julie Cypher

And let’s face it: these are the lesbians! They’re supposed to be better at the whole commitment thing than us gay guys! I’m not exactly sure what the gay male publicity nightmare equivalent to all this is, but why do I have a sinking feeling it involves a men's choir and a whole closet full of Boy Butter?

I know, I know: none of this says anything at all about gay people — all celebrities are nuts, not just the gay ones. But my point is, live by the frothy People same-sex wedding spread, die by the George Michael stoned and cruising parks Sun expose.

In any event, let’s all stop for a minute to join hands and say a little prayer or chant or invocation to the universe that should noted lunatics Michael Jackson, Tom Cruise, or Simon Cowell actually be gay may they stay forever locked deep in the closet!

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