Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (August 22, 2008)

I THINK I’VE FINALLY HAD IT WITH ANIMATED MOVIES
Okay, speaking of disappointments, I finally saw WALL-E. I didn’t want to see it, but everyone said it was great, so I dragged my ass to the theater.

And yup, I hated it.

I actually loved the first 30 minutes or so, which I thought were clever and original (the Hello Dolly bit was inspired!). The movie’s satire of our soul-destroying consumeristic culture was truly daring and sublime.

But then WALL-E goes up to that space station, and suddenly the object of the movie’s satire — stupid, greedy, self-centered human beings — suddenly become the movie’s … heroes.

WTF?

Which one of these characters is the hero of Wall-E?

The second half of the movie seemed to completely contradict the first half. I was never sure what I was supposed to be wishing for. For the humans to go back to Earth? But that was a desolate hell-hole! They wouldn’t survive a week. And why was I supposed to root for these lazy, TV-watching, Big Gulp-slurping brain stems anyway? Just because they’re human?

Um, I guess I don’t relate to my species much, because it takes more than that for me.

My love for animated movies, which used to be passionate, definitely predates The Little Mermaid (I was the one who went to see The Black Cauldron!).

But when I saw Disney’s The Little Mermaid, I knew it was something special (even if I couldn’t convince any of my friends that it wasn’t a kids’ movie). The movie, with lyrics and a concept by out composer Howard Ashman, revolutionized the genre. Yes, yes, I know they changed Hans Christian Anderson’s original, much darker ending. But finally there was an animated movie with wit…and character…and subtext! And OMG the songs!

"You could say that in the past I was a nasty," sang Ursula. "They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch!"

Howard Ashman and Alan Menken

In the years that followed, Ashman and his musical partner Alan Menken just got better and better. I loved Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin — hammy, distracting, tone-destroying Robin Williams performance aside.

Then came The Lion King, which was, of course, a huge hit, but that I didn’t get at all. For me, it all started, and ended, with the groan-inducing lyrics of the bloated Elton John songs — “Can you feel the love tonight? It is where you are.” Um, huh? And what the hell was the story? Something about a lion prince who runs away … for some reason? (I’ve never been all that down with the whole “you were born to be the king!” storyline. What about the 99.9999999% of us who aren’t born to be king, or the wizard who's destined to kill Voldemort, or “strong in the Force”? Those are the stories I relate to: the ones where, through smarts, grit, and sheer pluck, the misunderstood nobody becomes, well, somebody.)

Elton John ruins animated musicals

Anyway, on the animated front, things perked up again with Mulan, at least enough to forgive the atrocity that was Hercules (Susan Egan vocals aside). And Disney still held their own with The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Pocahontis, not as well reviewed as previous entries, but both fantastic in my mind.

Soon other studios wanted a piece of the action. I went bananas for the Pixar’s Toy Story movies, even if Randy Newman was no Howard Ashman and Alan Menken. I enjoyed Dreamworks’ Shrek (despite another hammy, distracting, tone-destroying performance, this one by Eddie Murphy). And I loved Monsters, Inc., released by Disney but produced by Pixar. 

"Good" animated movies, so sayeth Brent

Then, just when it seemed like we were in the middle of an animated Renaissance, it all seemed to fall apart. The Emperor’s New Groove? Tarzan? A Bug’s Life? Atlantis? The Road to El Dorado? The Polar Express? Flushed Away? Ice Age? Over the Hedge? Happy Feet?

Kill me now.

Next Page! Hasn't Jim Carrey ruined enough movies? And Cloris kills!