Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (October 17, 2008)

SEX DRIVE: AND WE THOUGHT GAS PRICES WERE THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO ROAD TRIPS THIS YEAR 
I thought I'd start out this week's column by turning your attention to a movie opening across the country that very few of us probably have any intention of seeing: the teen gross-out sex comedy Sex Drive. Now, I wouldn't discuss the movie at all if there weren't good reason to, as it's easily one of the worst I've seen in about a decade (and that counts Christmas with the Kranks and Because I Said So).

But as what I'm about to share technically qualifies as a spoiler, I'll give ample warning here for those with actual interest in the film that I'm about to give away the hilarious twist that James Marsden's homophobic character turns out to be gay.

Wait, did I mess that up? Oops!

See, I feel about as guilty for ruining the movie's twist (which you can see coming from about a mile away without glasses and underwater) as the filmmakers likely feel about ruining what would otherwise be an inoffensive (yet entirely unfunny) teen comedy for a gay audience member. Because I enjoy sitting through 90 minutes of hearing "faggot", "queer" and "ass-pirate" thrown around just about as much as a storyteller enjoys having his movie ruined by a bitchy critic.

Touché, fellas!

In Sex Drive, the main character, Ian (Josh Zuckerman) is too big of a loser to get a date on his own, so he starts posting fake pics of himself in an Internet chatroom and eventually attracts the rather whorish attention of a girl willing to have sex with him if he drives 300 miles to see her. Of course he has no car, but his brother Rex (James Marsden) does. Of course, Rex is a raving homophobe who takes an inordinate interest in his younger brother's sex life (telling him he'll turn queer if he doesn't have sex) and calling him any number of anti-gay epithets at every opportunity.

Of course, when Ian and his friends Lance (Greek's Clark Duke, who is way too good for this) and Felicia (Amanda Crew) help him steal Rex's car and head South, they come across all sorts of wacky obstacles and soon have a furious Rex on their tail.

One of the wacky obstacles is an unnecessary (and gross) scene where Ian is propositioned in a men's room by a gay guy. Hilarious! Another involves prison rape. Side-splitting! And yet another involves being called "Bilbo Faggins" by a complete stranger at a carnival (who is played by Sarah Silverman's Brian Posehn, who should really know better after having played a gay character in the longest steady job he's ever had).

But getting back to ticking gaybomb Rex ... in literally the last 90 seconds of the movie, in a "where are they now" montage under a voiceover, Rex comes out as gay to his family, finds a nice African-American boyfriend and becomes a puppy-dog-eyed sweater aficionado (who nonetheless still likes throwing lit firecrackers at his little brother).

And they all lived happily ever after!

A little too little, a little too late ... and a phenomenon I like to call the Curse of the Surprise!Gay.

Next page: Why Surprise!Gay characters aren't exactly my cup of tea.