Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (December 11, 2009)

AND WHAT A VERY GAY WEEK IT WAS!
Man, this week it just seemed like one fricking thing after another. If New Jersey legislators weren't getting cold feet about gay marriage, then Details was peddling incredibly stupid and homophobic humor while Uganda was debating executing gays and As the World Turns was getting canceled and GLAAD was flailing all over the place like a spastic octopus. Well, I guess the only thing to do is make fun of it all. Or die trying!

How do you solve a problem like Buju Banton? Many in the GLBT community were less than delighted when a Grammy nomination went to uber-homophobe reggae artist Buju Banton. GLAAD started an online petition urging the academy to reject Buju for a Grammy while others are urging a boycott of Grammy sponsors. (And others still are asking if GLAAD knows what GLAAD is doing.)

I, on the other hand, have started an online petition requiring Banton to perform nothing but the soundtrack to the Sound of Music while on permanent tour in Uganda with Pastor Rick Warren and notorious homophobe author Orson Scott Card singing back-up in sparkly mini skirts. And they have to travel the country in a tiny VW camper in which they all have to sleep every night.

As for the Grammys, aren't they about as relevant as the Daytime Emmys? Seriously, does anyone care about them? If the Grammys' past track record holds true, this year they should just be getting around to recognizing the genius of Cher, The Beatles and 'N Sync with performances by Men Without Hats, Katrina and the Waves and Baha Men.

Why was he eating in a Denny's anyway? As a sports fan, I get really tired of what feels like an endless stream of homophobia coming out of the mouths of professional athletes in the U.S. This week's exercise in mindboggling athletic stupidity came from the mouth of Dallas Mavericks' forward Tim Thomas who returned a fan's greeting in a Denny's restaurant by calling the fan and his companions "faggots" several times. He then instigated a brawl before running away when the police were called.

Keep in mind, this is a thirty-two-year old grown man! 

I actually can't get too worked up over this because if an athlete is stupid enough to make millions of dollars and still eat at a Denny's then I can't seriously expect him to be smart enough to know you can't call fans "faggots" and not have someone notice. And that it's not how adults behave. Unless you're hoping to get nominated for a Grammy, of course.

On the plus side, if Thomas keeps eating at Denny's, he'll have a heart attack by the time he's forty and then all the gay nurses at the hospital can be really mean to him!

This is why God/Goddess/Flying Spaghetti Monster invented TIVO! The week in gay pop culture stuff also saw a fair bit of uproar over advertising. Pepsi came under fire for a Ugandan bottler's sponsorship of a concert by the notoriously homophobic Beenie Man. Meanwhile in the U.S., an ad for Verizon's "Droid" phone set off a debate over whether  or not some of the ad's imagery was homophobic and misogynistic. Then some folks got their knickers in a twist over a Docker's ad running in magazines that was also perceived to be trading in homophobia, claustrophobia and probably sitophobia to boot.

First of all, what is a magazine anyway? Oh, wait, that's the really old way of reading articles, right? Like Details magazine!

Second of all, why does anyone even watch commercials anymore? I never would've seen that Verizon ad because I RECORD EVERYTHING AND FAST FORWARD THROUGH THE COMMERCIALS!ARE PEOPLE INSANE?

Erm, excuse that little outburst. It's been a long week. Honestly, all this arguing makes my head ache and forces me to go to my happy place which ironically is this VW ad.

See, now don't you feel better?

Next page! Meet the Asshat of the Week's more handsome and charming younger brother!