THINK OF IT AS THE OSCARS FOR STRAIGHT MEN
This Sunday brings us Super Bowl XLII wherein New England quarterback Tom Brady and his Patriots will try to make history against Eli Manning and the New York Giants by becoming the first team to finish a season 19-0 and thereby winning their fourth Super Bowl in seven years.

Battle of the Hunks

Debonair Tom Brady, quarterback New England Patriots versus All-American Eli Manning, quarterback New York Giants

While those of us in the gay community know it's a big fat lie that all gay men hate sports, it is true that a lot of gay men couldn't care less about the Super Bowl, World Series, etc. I should know — my partner is one of them while I am a pretty big football fan who will watch the big game on Sunday.

Undoubtedly ours isn't the only mixed marriage out there and more than one football-hating gay man is going to find himself dragged to a Super Bowl party on Sunday where he will know next to nothing about what is going on. Relax my gay brethren. I'm here to help and will explain things in terms likely to be much more familiar. You may still not care who wins, but at least you'll understand why the emotions of your straight male friends are running so high.

For example, on Sunday when a straight guy suddenly jump up and yells "No! No! I can't believe he committed such a stupid personal foul!" it translates to

you watching the 1992 Oscars and suddenly jumping up and yelling "Oh my God! I can't believe she wore something so hideous! And her hair!" when Geena Davis showed up wearing that ghastly ruffled outfit with black pantyhose.

When a straight guy says the Patriots by winning Super Bowl XLII will surpass the 1972 Miami Dolphin's to become the greatest team in NFL history this translates to

1997's Oscar race when Titanic received 14 nominations and could have become the most honored film in Academy Award history had it taken home 12 or more Oscars. (It only won 11 tying Ben Hur.)

When a straight guy says there is no way ever the Patriots could lose to the underdog Giants this translates to

2003 when The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King was up for Best Picture and many believed there was no way it could lose after the first two films in the trilogy were passed over. (It won Best Picture plus ten other Oscars to tie Ben Hur and Titanic.)

But when another straight guy responds by saying "Not so fast, dude. Don't forget Super Bowl III when the hugely favored Baltimore Colts were upset by the upstart New York Jets" this translates to

the disaster in 2005 when Brokeback Mountain, the most honored film in history, shockingly lost the Best Picture Oscar to the trifle known as Crash.

Finally, when Tom Brady throws his tenth touchdown pass and pats his receiver on the butt while hugging him and that really jerky, loudmouthed straight guy at the party says "Eww, why does Brady always have to do that? I hate it when he does that" it translates to

his wanting to say, "It's me, Tom! It's me, you want! Forget Gisele and take me in those manly arms and kiss me with those manly lips and caress me with those manly hands! I love you, Tom! I love you!"