Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (May 16, 2008)

Too gay-friendly and you just look desperate.

Planet Out and the consumer marketing group Prime Access just announced the results of their 2008 Gay and Lesbian Consumer Study this past Tuesday. They found that 68% of queer consumers said they would be more likely to buy from companies they perceived as gay-friendly. If you're curious, the top-rated brands among gays & lesbians in this study were Apple, Levis, Bravo, Showtime, HBO & Absolut.

The lowest rated consumer brands were: WalMart, Dunkin Donuts, Cracker Barrel, Exxon Mobil, and Samsung.

(Okay, I understand Exxon and certainly Cracker Barrel, but what did Dunkin Donuts ever do to the GLBT community? Someone please tell me, I want to know. And it better be pretty damn serious to make me give up my boston creams.)

According to the press release, "the study reveals that gays and lesbians are fiercely loyal customers to brands they perceive as reaching out to them."

The clear purpose of this study is to encourage companies to market aggresively to the GLBT community — not so much because it's the right thing to do, but because we're a more valuable market than any other consumer group. Not only do we have a lot of discretionary income to spend, but we also tend influence the buying decisions of others.

All this may be true, but I'm worried that too many clueless, white bread companies will take it to heart, and we'll end up with some really craven and wrongheaded gay marketing pitches.

Do we really need or want any of the following?

• Cracker Barrel's Sunday Brunch "pink plate special"
• Arthur Murray's same-sex line dancing lessons
• Lay-Z-Boy's new line of sex dungeon furnishings
• Playboy's softcore gay porn channel

That last one is already in the works.

It's not just tired consumer brands that are competing for the gay dollar, it's entertainers as well. For instance, just this week comes word that 80’s pop chanteuse Sheena Easton has been reaching out to the gay community to fuel a comeback and score a new recording contract. This means performing at PRIDE festivals around the US and signing on as the musical act for gay cruises. But it sounds like gays in her native Scotland are having none of it. The producer of the largest gay festival in Scotland (Glasgay!) is accusing Easton of trying too hard (and too late) to curry the favor of GLBT audiences.

Said the producer, "Gay audiences do love their ageing divas, but I think Sheena Easton is pushing things too far. We have a very young funky audience who, to be frank, are into much cooler acts than Sheena Easton."

Ouch!

Easton circa 1983

Photo credit: Dave Hogan/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Ms. Easton could be just the tip of the iceberg. Prepare yourseves for an avalanche of diminished white bread celebrities trying to reinvigorate their careers by repositioning themselves as "gay faves."

Up next? Kirk Cameron hosting an Atlantis cruise. Or maybe Kathy Lee Gifford performing her cabaret act at a gay bathhouse. And don't think it couldn't happen. She's already expressed an interest.