Steven Frank's blog

You have to hand it to this week’s Brothers & Sisters — not only did they manage to give us the worst season finale I can remember, it may actually have been the worst episode ever as well. I still can’t believe they wasted an entire episode with virtually every cast member languishing in fake Mexico trying to convince a character nobody ever liked who we’d all written off weeks ago that he should come back.

I suppose I could have been okay with the “Bring Back Tommy” plotline if it had served as a focal point for other dramatic developments among his siblings. Instead, we tread over ground that was worn tediously thin weeks ago, although this time with a few Mexican extras thrown in the background.

There are two scenes this week that are so downright entertaining they're enough to warrant an up arrow on their own. 

The first scene is the much-teased Holly-Sarah duet, which doesn't fail to disappoint in terms of camp value and bitchiness. The lead-up to the big number is that Holly coerces Sarah into performing the duet at an Ojai Foods party to raise employee morale and foster solidarity under the new regime.

Let’s take a moment to consider the ludicrous voodoo economics driving Ojai lately. Of course, most companies these days are cutting out unnecessary expenses like office parties ... and paper clips ... and fire safety kits ... and actual employees. I admit I usually watch this show totally boozed up, but I could swear we've had indication that these hard times have hit Ojai too. Wasn’t there some grumbling in previous weeks over losing workers and cutting budgets and firing Kevin?

Now that RuPaul's Drag Race has concluded, I've been satisfying my craving to watch squabbling divas in killer footwear go at it with each other by watching The Real Housewives of New York City.

Snicker if you must (like you, I was once a RHNYC skeptic), but this show actually has more camp fun — not to mention gay supporting players — than just about anything else on the tube these days. If you've been watching the current season (which concludes next week), then you know that housewife royalty, LuAnn de Lesseps a.k.a. “The Countess,” has just published her book on modern etiquette, Class with the Countess: How to Live With Elegance and Flair.

And if you think that has nothing to do with us gays, then consider the fact that one section helpfully offers advice on "what to do if you meet a queen.”
 
Having seen that the Countess has so much to say about queenly behavior, I took advantage of a chance to interview her and ask some other questions about the complexities of gay etiquette, ranging from gay weddings to how to confront an ex-boyfriend. Based on her illuminating, and sincerely good-natured responses, I’m ready to nominate her for gay icon status.

Here’s what she shared with me:

With Tommy the Douche having finally been flushed away for good, the Continuity Fairy is called in this week to clean up the mess left in his wake, grappling with those pesky loose ends (ie. his wife and kid, not to mention the whole bio-dad/gay uncle issue) with quick, cold efficiency. At least “Julia” gets a whole episode named after her, presumably as a reward for moving along quietly without drawing any undue attention to herself.

You know … just like she’s done for the entire series.

In a very special PG-13 episode bearing a title that inexplicably sounds like it belongs on a Vin Diesel movie, Kevin and Scotty grapple with a question that faces all gay men in long-term committed relationships: “Should we get a country house?” Oh, wait. Not that one. I meant this: “Should we invite your studly, closeted soap star ex-boyfriend into bed for a threeway?”

Yes, it’s the return of Chad! But the ABC gods are cruel, as they finally have Jason Lewis show up only to have him keep his shirt on the whole time. Boooo! Points off! Not to fear, though. There’s plenty more male torso on display this week, and that’s not even the only reason why I’m giving it an up arrow...

You know what was really funny about this week’s episode? Nothing. That’s right, it was another completely humorless collective Walker mope-fest, as we dealt with the tedious fallout from Tommy’s AWOL act.

Personally, I would have thought the occasion of losing this ne’er-do-well asshat of a brother would warrant an all out celebration — why not a Mexican fiesta theme in honor of Tommy’s new country of residence? I mean, this family loves to celebrate every mundane milestone (ie. “Hey, let’s have a feast in honor of Kevin’s liver donation”), why not this one? I’m sure Scotty could whip up a banquet in his spare time. Don’t worry, though … they still manage to figure out a way to make Scotty wait on them.

By my count, there were exactly two marginally interesting things about “Missing,” and you’ll find out what they were below.

This week was the infamous Kevin-Scotty “appointment sex” episode, the one that’s been as hotly debated in AfterElton.com postings as whether or not Milk is a better movie than Slumdog.

Personally, I don’t think the idea of appointment sex is so bad, just so long as sex of some kind is being had. If Kevin and Scotty get creative, they can even work the appointment angle to their mutual gratification. Maybe a game of “Tax Time with Scotty the Randy Accountant” … “Why hello there, Mr. Walker. Let me put my well-endowed stimulus package to work for you.”

I’ll start out with the good stuff before getting into why this downer of an episode is getting a downer of an arrow.

It turns out that, much to my surprise, I really like Luke Grimes as Ryan Lafferty. And I say that despite how much I loathe, loathe, LOATHE the hair. I can’t stand this whole Zac Efron/Chace Crawford/Robert Pattinson girly boy-bangs thing going on these days, which was clearly researched, focused-grouped, and marketed to death by studio executives as a strategy for keeping their teenybopper stars as non-threatening as possible to their tweener fan bases. Then again, who am I to talk, given that when I was a tweener I thought Andy Gibb was dreamy.

This week’s B&S marked the much anticipated arrival of Uncle Saul’s BF, “Henry,” played by character actor warhorse John Glover. You might know him from Love Valour Compassion. Or Smallville. Or perhaps his current stint on Heroes. But to me he’ll always be Daniel Clamp from the greatest sequel ever made, Gremlins 2.

Anyway, “Henry” isn’t the only oft-mentioned but oft-invisible gay to actually show up this week. Scotty’s back as well! And given the presence of so many gays in one episode, I spent the first half hour with my arrow firmly in the upward position. But as things progressed, it began to sag, eventually settling into the limp sideways position I’m sticking this mixed-bag episode with.

Just my luck. Torchwood finally has a panel at New York Comic Con, but instead of one of those infamous sessions where all the male cast members make out and drop trou, it’s one with Gwen Cooper. Feh.

But you could have Retconned me and knocked me over with a Weevil when it turned out that in the flesh Gwen, a.k.a. actress Eve Myles, was funny, warm, charming, and quite cheeky, not to mention wholly and sincerely appreciative of Torchwood’s American fans. I feel like I need to slip into the Rift so I can go back in time and rewrite every nasty thing I ever said about her character.

Myles appeared before a packed, rowdy roomful of the Torchwood faithful at Saturday’s Comic Con to promote the upcoming Season 3 mini-series “Children of Earth,” along with series director Euros Lyn. While the only footage shown was the same trailer that’s already appeared on our blog, plus a few talking head interviews, Myles and Lyn did drop some minor spoilerish details that have me more excited about TW S3 than I’ve been yet.