"The Real World New Orleans:" A Primer

My knowledge of New Orleans had once been gleaned from television shows like Cops and The Simpsons, whose own musical interpretation of Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire warned me that "If you want to go to hell, you should make the trip/to that Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp!"

It was only upon actually moving to the Big Easy that I discovered life was much more relaxed, debauchery only happened on Bourbon Street, and really bad weather only came around a few months a year.

That is, until The Real World: Back to New Orleans blew into town. The show, now in its 24th season, first crash-landed in this fair city ten years ago. And, as you probably know, that season featured the adorable-and-out Danny Roberts.

The first episode of this new season, which aired last Thursday on MTV, began with introductions of the cast of eight. Growing up, my father had every issue of Playboy magazine and while the naked women didn’t make a big impression, their bios often did. I appreciated the conciseness of the centerfolds in letting American males know how to bag a centerfold with a few simple words of wisdom.

Here, now, I present my imagined quotes for this sparkly new cast in centerfold form:

Preston

“I’m the gay man of the house whose turn-ons include make-out sessions with strangers, and naughty Southern gals who dress like hookers. My turn-offs are Ryan and … yeah, just Ryan.”

Jemmye

“Hey, y’all! I love the gays and I only date black men. Ryan, what’s your deal?”

Knight

“I’m a gentleman and a lady’s man! I like hittin’ the puck around the ice but I don’t like prescription drugs. Bad drugs! Bad!”

McKenzie

“Stop! I’m blushing! I am not pretty! Tee hee. Got any beer?”

Eric

“I’m a government agent, a stand-up comic, and just plain dreamy. My biggest turn-on is people who make up fake quotes about me. Call me.”

Ashlee

“I’m into sports and have cloud-like lips. Come. Float.”

Sahar

“I’m a singer from a conservative Arab community in Michigan. I’m sure this will be okay, though.”

Ryan

“I’m, like, a hairdresser but I’m, like, straight and really sensitive. Where’s McKenzie? Is she okay? The bathroom? Maybe she fell and killed herself! Oh, and I’m cool with gay dudes buying me drinks, but please do NOT touch me. Like.”

The house is a beautiful uptown mansion retrofitted with a gallon of Gawdy, a few coats of Tacky, and the occasional real New Orleans art piece. Every bead thrown at every Mardi Gras parade since the beginning of time decorates the stair rail and hangs from every available surface.

Several tourist traps were pillaged of their finest made-in-China trinkets to cover the walls. Lovely old Oak trees were stripped of their Spanish moss to give the home that “bug’s nest” feel. And in the center of it all, sits a very large streetcar. (Note to Preston: It is not called a “trolley.”)

It’s almost as if the folks who decorated the place did so from the comfort of their homes in Des Moines, shouting orders into a telephone. “Beads! More beads!”

Love it or hate it, as the season progresses, it promises to be entertaining. Perhaps that’s the biased view of someone who lives in New Orleans or maybe it’s the delicious tales of friends who ran into the oh-so-quotable cast.

More than likely, however, it’s probably having spent hours with the housemates, throwing the aforementioned beads off a Mardi Gras float. For the purposes of this primer — and your viewing pleasure — I can offer a little sampler of my take on the cast: Ashlee and Preston are delightful; Eric is dreamy; Knight is kind and respectful; Eric is dreamy; and Ryan seems a bit calculating.

At one point during our parade ride, he attempted to schmooze me into giving him some great stuff I was throwing. Maybe I should have insisted on a kiss first.