Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Mrs. Wheatley, you've got a lovely grandson

Today we try to pick up the pieces after yesterday's Earth! Shattering! Reveal! that Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley has eyes for Luke. The trouble of course being that Wheats has just married Luke's meemaw, Lucinda (aka Lady Drumstick). 

Will Luke confront his new granddaddy about their kiss? Will Lady D's marital bliss be cut short when she learns her oddly physically distant and impeccably-groomed new husband is a gay homosexual? And will the role of Wheatables be played today by the ghost of James Mason? Because this whole setup is more Nabokovian than a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses and a lollipop.

Click on through the jump and refresh often to see how it all plays out! 

Okay, I'll admit that pic above is just creepy. Is it just me or do his eyes follow you around the room?

2:57PM EST: And across town at the Lily Pad, she and Holden put their own wedding rings back on one another and kiss. Meanwhile, Luke watches his grandmother make out with the guy who put the moves on him and Noah probably whips up a venti nonfat no-foam latte for some teaching assistant and thinks about how miserable his life is.

Preview Time! No more Nuke this week, but we'll be back for the Thanksgiving ep! 

2:51PM EST: Okay, I don't have breathing problems and don't know much about them, but when a commercial asks, "how about the comfort of a compact nebulizer" it's not terribly ... well, comforting. Does it come with a Flux Capaciter?

Parsley admits she lied. Quaker Oats Lady takes the news rather well. I would have drop-kicked her all the way to Al's. 

GLily leaves and Luke says he's not going back into the room alone, and Lily tells him that he needs to at least pretend that he's happy for them. Back in the room, Wheats presents Lady Drumstick with two rings that he bought for them. He wants his class ring back first, though. He drives a tough bargain!

They exchange rings. Lady D calls him "compassionate ... pushy ... loving ... gay mine." Luke sees them kiss through the window.

2:45PM EST: Holden asks Quaker Oats Lady how far she'd go to get something she really wanted. He should offer her a Klondike bar.

I'm bored to tears by the whole child custody storyline but the score under Dammit! and MP2.0's scene sounds straight out of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Wheatables tries to blow off Luke again and asks, "don't you have friends who joke around with you?" and Luke says it wasn't a joke. Wheats goes in to see Lady Drumstick and gives Luke a very stern look on the way out. Luke tells Lily that Wheats is "a snake" and she says this isn't about him and his suspicions and of course doesn't give him a chance to tell her what happened.  

Dammit! tells MP2.0 that she'll marry him. Again. 

Seriously, how old is Parsley? She's talking like a 4-year-old. She's almost as tall as her mom! And she's pretty much gonna tell her that she's The Bad Seed after the commercial.

2:34PM EST: Luke tells Wheatables that he's lying to his grandmother based on what happens last night and Wheats is like, quaaah? Luke tells him that he kissed him and Wheats is all, "did I? How funny!" He says he's from a "touchy-feely family" and maybe he got too close. OMG, did the SNL writers work on this episode?! 

Meanwhile, in the other room Lady Drumstick tells GLily that she and Wheats haven't actually done the deed yet but that it'll be fine, especially since she can have her breasts reconstructed to any model he'd prefer now. Maybe they can make them shaped like Luke and Noah? 

Seriously, Wheatables is a hot mess. I'm actually interested to see what's coming for the first time in like a YEAR. 

2:25PM EST: BlahblahParsleyDammit!rosemaryandthymyblahlblah. When Dammit! comes into the courtroom Matthew Perry 2.0 says she looks sedated ... er, sedate.

Wheats is toasting Lady Drumstick as his bride when Luke walks in, and gives the scene the best "You are so effing kidding me" look ever. Party pooper!

GLily tells him she's happy he could make it and Luke says he thinks he must have misheard something when he came in, and Lady Drumstick tells him that they got married. He's all, "wahaaah?" and he tells her that she looks great. Wheats tries to smooth it over and runs out to get another glass. Luke runs out after him and asks how he can do what he's doing when she was so nice to him, and Wheats is all, "I'm quite sure I have no idea what you're talking about" and Luke says, "ripping off my grandmother". Oh. Well, wrong tree, Luke - but keep barking. 

2:15PM EST: You know, the promise of James Franco appearing on Dave Letterman almost had me DVRing the episode ... until the clip of Regis kissing Dave. Isn't there enough ugliness in the world?!

Somebody flipped Quaker Oats Lady's bitch switch, and I love it. Atta girl!

Lily tells Holden that she's tired of the two of them being so nice to each other, complaining that they're "polite, even when we have sex". I didn't know you were into the rough stuff, lady! 

Luke splashes water on his face and pours some coffee. And might I add that he's looking pretty slammin' in that t-shirt? He gets a voicemail from Lily hat his grandma has special news for him, and as creepy piano music tinkles in the background, Luke rushes to get to Lady D. 

Holden asks Quaker Oats Lady what you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros. "Elephino!" 

2:08PM EST: Meanwhile, back outside Java Dammit! makes the ill-advised move of approaching the girl who's accusing her in court in about 20 minutes of hitting her. Within seconds Quaker Oats Lady arrives in a yellow hydraulic suit and bellows, "GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BIIIITCH!"

2:05PM EST: At the Lily Pad, Holden drops by apparently covered in mud (it must be that invisible Oakdale mud) and Gilded Lily won't get busy with him until he showers. Neither of them has heard from Luke, which worries them a bit, perhaps considering he's a kid with one kidney on a bender.

Wheatables drops by Lady Drumstick's hospital room with champagne (um, something tells me that's against the rules?) and he gets all fussy when he realizes that one of the flutes is broken. 

OMG, Luke's bedroom!! Is this a first? Luke flashes back to his kiss with Wheatables, then sits up, asking himself, "did that happen?" Okay, should we get excited that the place where Luke sleeps and could potentially do more actually has a set now? 

Best line of the show: Parsley, at Java: "It smells like coffee in here, can I wait outside?"