Alexis Arquette's long and winding road

I knew Alexis when he was named Robert and was 4 years old. For about 4 months, my young children and I lived at the edge of the Shenandoah River among the many families who lived there in homes and cabins year round in a spiritual community. Most of us were from California, several were well known folk music recording and performing artists. The Arquette family lived there in a charming stone house with wonderful wood detail inside. I was friends with their mother, who was a wonderful woman, beautiful, vibrant. There were 5 children. Rosanna is the oldest, she was 15 years old at the time I met her back in 1974. She does not have the same biological father, Lewis Arquette, as the younger children who were born after her mother met and married Lewis. The girls get their beauty from their mother, who was stunning in her youth. It was not a commune, we did not share income or expenses and there were no drugs or alcohol--it was very family oriented and we practiced a type of meditation/prayer twice weekly. It was a wonderful environment for the children and the adults. Moms rarely worked outside the home in those days, so we spent long lazy afternoons outdoors with the kids, going swimming in the local swimming hole, organizing activities, picnics, plays and crafts for all the kids. In a photograph I have of the children sitting on a log, Alexis sits with the posture and pose of a little girl. It was in knowing him as a child that I first learned, recognized, that people are born gay, that it is not a choice. Over the years, my position has never wavered, it was because of knowing him as such a young child that I knew so surely that gender identity and sexual preference is not a choice, it simply IS a fact. He was a delightful child, with his little brother David tagging right behind him, running and playing and exploring all over the land (formerly an old summer camp). When Robert/Alexis joined in the dress-up plays and shows the kids would have, he would always dig into the barrels of costumes and come up wearing a ballerina outfit. I remember I tried to roll down the top and tuck it in at his waist and then I would tuck and conceal the net tutu skirt into that waist band, telling him that he needed it to look more like a boy's outfit, but in a minute, he would have changed it back to a full ballerina outfit. I would try it several more times and each time he would restore it to full ballerina style. So, his body language was feminine and his tastes were, too. His mother tried to guide him by aupporting his love for drama, but without the feminine "cross dressing" (we did not know at that time that it was not "cross" dressing, but rather he was dressing according to who he felt in his deepest inner self to be. But, that was then, and she was hopeful that her approach might work. She sewed capes and other wonderful costumes for him that were dramatic, with magician and wizard and musketeer themes. But nothing changed Robert and how could it? We adults were not at all homophobic, many of us came from backgrounds in psychology, medicine, education and the arts. We were very committed to spiritual and personal growth. In those days, certainly not in the media, there was not the knowledge and awareness there exsits now about gender identity and sexual preference. However, it was very clear to all of us that gender identity was not a choice for Alexis and by his example at such a young age, we came to recognize that it is not a choice for anyone, it is a part of who they are from birth. Robert was a sweet and loving child,a great playmate for my daughter when she was 3 1/2. They used to play on the swings for hours, he taught her how to pump her legs so she could swing without anyone pushing her. Over the years, our family has moved many times. Mardi Arquette, their mother, passed away several years ago from breast cancer. I last saw her in 1982 when I was just beginning my own cancer treatments and she was traveling through Vermont, where I lived. I still remember the feeling of hope and courage she imparted to me that day. She was able to see deeply into your feelings and spirit and understand and she would respond with such wisdom and joy that you always felt stronger. I have no doubt she watches over him and wants him to be happy, whatever he decides to do. She was a tremendously loving, intellectual, spiritually evolved, lively woman and I am proud to have known her. I wish Alexis all the very best in his future. He has clearly inherited his mother's courage and integrity and has the same strong spirit and sense of self-truth that he showed even as such a young child.