"American Idol": Jesus, Take the Remote

Will Pentacostal hair be enough to save Adam Lambert? (All photos: GETTY)

Okay, as someone who can't stand contemporary country, I went into last night's Grand Ole Opry episode of American Idol with the hopes that the contestants would be asked to sing REAL country songs, from the good old days of Hee Haw and Willie Nelson and Coal Miner's Daughter.

What I got was a handful of forgettable songs I've never heard before performed by forgettable people I hope to never hear again, and a few mangled classics.

But before we even get to the Underwoods, the Randy Travis Effect, and the "Ring of Fire" that Adam Lambert gave us (and from which many of us are still suffering today), can we just talk for a second about these official backstage pics of our favorite "theatrical" contestant from last night's show?

Which of course left me no choice but to do this:

So anyway, back to the competition. It's clear that the finals are going to be among Lambert, budding evangelist Danny Gokey, and Miley Cyrus's evil twin, Allison Iraheta, but the real face-off that they're setting up is between Lambert and Gokey, whom the show are casting in a reality television adaptation of Blood Brothers.

Just check out how last night's performances presented the two singers as the ultimate duality: Lambert as devil, and Gokey as savior. Lambert purred about a "Ring of Fire" while bathed in red light, while Gokey literally intoned, "Jesus, Take the Wheel" (whatever the hell that even means) while dressed like Steve Martin in Leap of Faith.

Danny Gokey will save us all

This week's mentor, the severely undercaffeinated Randy Travis, was openly disgusted with Lambert because he wore nail polish and dared to bring global musical influences to the square dance. I wasn't a fan of the number myself, but come on, Randy - lighten up a bit, huh? I mean hell, we forgave you for appearing in Baby Geniuses, didn't we?

All I can say is, as talented as Lambert is and as much as I appreciate his sheer balls, he may want to step out of the dark side for at least one performance before he locks in his fate. Because from my recollection, the man in black seldom wins the race. (And no, "the higher the hair, the closer to God" ain't gonna cut it this time!)