"Dancing With the Stars" recaplet (Ep. 7.09): Seven chest-waxes for seven brothers

Okay, after Monday night's show I really wasn't going to bother even watching the Dancing With the Stars Results Show, because it was plain that Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer's Living Dead Doll Tango was going to put them through to next week. But I decided to sit through the duration (with a little help from my DVR fast-forward) and OMG am I glad I did because it was easily the gayest, hottest, most preposterous television event since the Paul Lynde Halloween Special.

Shirtless (and hairless) dancers, pelvic-thrusting judges, and a farewell to DWTS's most fanciful unicorn, after the jump!

Well, first things first: Lance and Lacey were called upon for an encore of their neck-snapping killer doll routine, which they did without Lance's tongue-wagging (my only critique of Monday's routine). 

But once the gay man left the stage, things got reallyreallygay...

It was then that Tom introduced a team of seven brothers who have been "setting the world on fire" with their flamenco stylings, and on came Los Vivancos ... which apparently is Spanish for "Those Who Dance Without Shirts".

These sultry sibs stomped their tight-trousered, oddly hairless selves across the floor for about five minutes, causing the ladyparts of every female (and many a male) audience member to burst into white-hot flame. It was beautiful. Now, the whole "brother" thing did put a damper on my own Los Vivancos spontaneous fanfic fantasies, but as Andy pointed out, "there are apparently a lot of milkmen in that family's town, from the looks of it!"

Anyway, moving on...

Last night's ep also featured a bunch of fake "attack ads" that mined the current campaign goings-on for comedy gold ... or at least gold leaf. The attack ad of Toni Braxton upon Lance Bass ("Lance Bass Is Probably Crazy") was actually kind of cute, so no harm no foul there.

In the end, it was down to adorable-yet-flat-footed celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito and rapidly unspooling Boniva abuser Cloris Leachman, and it was ultimately Rocco who went home ... but not before begging one last humiliation upon himself.

Rocco's last request before they shot him danced him off into the sunset was that gay judge Bruno Tonioli teach him how to move his hips properly ... and Bruno indulged him by freaking the pink-shirted guy live, on-stage.

It was beautiful. God love Rocco for being such a good sport and thank you, Bruno, for continuing to make this show far more entertaining than it has any right to be. I mean just look at that, you even managed to stun Tom Bergeron!

Next week: Four new dances, and hopefully more hilarious hoyay!