So you may have heard by now that the Golden Globes ceremony, easily the most interesting televised major awards show, has been essentially canceled. Yes, the red carpet has been rolled up, the parties have been nixed, and the doling out of the awards has been slashed to a press conference helmed by NBC News. Oh wow, how exciting! Please tell me Ryan Seacrest will be there to ask Brian Williams who he's wearing.

In related news, tonight's People's Choice Awards have similarly been downgraded to the reading of a leaflet at the Beverly Center, or the like. We were actually looking forward to PCA nominee Neil Patrick Harris rocking the red carpet with David Burtka (they do clean up so nicely!) but it looks like there will be none of that.

In fact, there may be none of anything, at this point. Aside from the SAG Awards (which worked out an interim deal with the writers, big surprise!), no other awards shows are a sure thing at this point, including our beloved, bloated Oscars. So like so many of you who are stocking up for a potentially starvation-inducing lean stretch of clumsy acceptance speeches and formal attire misfires, I actually watched the Critics' Choice Awards last night on VH1 and am here to share the highlights.

You can thank me later for taking this one for the team.

Aside from boasting possibly the worst host in the history of awards shows (D.L. Hughley) and the worst written jokes to go along with him (please settle with the writers, studios!! We can't take much more of this!), the affair was a complete trainwreck start to finish. They turned the lights off on Marisa Tomei, Feist and Snoop Dogg had no microphones, and the presenters all looked like the teleprompters were making fun of them. What, are the stagehands on strike again, too?

The highlights of the evening were thus:

Ross "the Intern" Mathews on the Red Carpet

Believe it or not, Ross was damn funny on the red carpet, and he even made a few funny asides about lusting after George Clooney that were uncharacteristically bold. As insanely over-the-top as the guy may be, he does have a way with words and doesn't seem out to hurt anyone. And he looks great!

Daniel Day-Lewis and Javier Bardem

Two of the most beautiful and articulate acceptance speeches ever. And it's a shame that these guys may not have any more opportunities to give the speeches again given the dour awards show climate, as both did amazing work in their films (There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men, respectively) and are real inspirations at the microphone. Catch it in reruns if you can (come on, it's VH1, so it has to be on a continuous loop for the next 3 months).

The cast of Hairspray

I liked the movie but didn't really think it deserved to win much, but these kids have so much pluck I was won over again when the young cast took the stage with Queen Latifah, who said a few words and then forced the young stars to take the mic. She's so cool. And besides, both the cast and Nikki Blonsky (who won Best Young Actress) thanked the writers and director Adam Shankman, who were all smiles at the movie's table with their male companions. It was certainly a nice bump of gay visibility in an otherwise Angelina-leering evening.

Allison Janney

How hot is this woman?! I love that when they don't have her all dowdied-up she's a real rocketship and that she had no problem delivering a dirty joke in her presenter speech.

Javier Bardem, rawr

Marion Cotillard's Feist-iness

When they introduced indie second coming Feist to present for best score and song, the cameras showed Ma Vie En Rose star Marion Cotillard clearly saying, "Feist? Who is that?" to the person next to her. Sorry to say, most people in this country would say the same about Edith Piaf, honey!

Eddie Izzard's presenting

Still one of the funniest men in the world, the lead from one of the best new shows of last year (The Riches) knocked everyone dead with his hilarious and pointed presentation of the Best Documentary nominees, which included listing about 40 countries that provide nationalized health care when mentioning Sicko. Dare I wonder if he wrote his own material?   

Casey Affleck's delivery of Amy Ryan's speech

I am running a flag up every pole I can find for Amy Ryan's performance in Gone Baby Gone, which I thought was one of the best of the year. And just two nights I saw the plucky actress at the premiere for The Wire here in NYC and almost fainted. So when she wasn't present to accept her award for Best Supporting Actress I was bummed, until costar Casey Affleck delivered her acceptance speech with unexpected charm and wit. Very cute moment.

Lowlight 1: Julian Schnabel's sweat pants

I know you're an artist, and I loved The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and adore the fact that you gave Mr. Bardem a kiss on the puss on the way to the podium. But can you please upgrade at least to a pair of jeans for the awards ceremony? Track stripes do not befit an award winner.

Lowlight 2: Katie Holmes' unsettling presence

Yes, Katie Holmes has blossomed into an undeniably beautiful woman. But she's also deniably no longer human. And what in Xenu was she wearing?! Looked like something Bob Mackie might have designed for the first season of Star Trek!

Anyone else catch it? What did you think?