Liveblogging "As the World Turns": A Shot at Love with Zeela Zezeela

Okay, this is getting reeeeally good...

The impossibly hot previews for today's show beg several questions, the most pressing of which being, "Why is Lily dressed up as Bernadette Peters from Into the Woods?!"

Oh, and there's also the small matter of Zoey shooting our dear Noah in the shoulder. Why is poor Noah taking all the abuse when Luke's the one who's hogging all the birthrights and all that? Sure, he may be the one who apparently remembered the username of the hacker, but let's be honest ... Mister Mayer's mind ain't exactly a steel trap.

So what's going to happen to our beloved Oakdale gays? To find out as the bullets fly, follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates! 

Let the insanity begin...

2:06PM EDT: Oh, it's Paul and Meg. Well, I got the "insanity" part right. 

Oh, GrammaEmma! Where you been at, girl? Holden's trash-talking Damian to her but she's of course all, "Mmm, ain't buying it." And Lily gives Damian the ransom note in his hotel room. No, that's not a euphemism.

Back at Zee Lair, Zoey is getting all Charmed and shit, lighting candles from Spencer Gifts and saying prayers to her dead mom, for whom she is apparently doing all this. Luke's all, "My mom's not paying your dead mom anything" and Zoey's all "She better, chicken!"

Damian tells Lily that after she drops off the fake ransom money, she's going to dress up as the ghost of this dead Grimaldi chick to scare Zee Twins. Hey, it worked in Friday the 13th Part II, why not?

2:17PM EDT: Holden insists that he isn't being territorial about the whole Damian/Luke thing. Uh, he's done everything short of pee on the boy to mark him! Oooh and I'm distracted by the vintage canister set that's on top of the cabinets ... why have I never seen that? Is that an angle we don't usually see?

Oh, and Holden and his mom make nice.  

Back at the hotel, Lily comes out in her black robe, looking like she's ready to go to that orgy in Eyes Wide Shut and have her privates obscured with CGI. Lordy this is awesome...

Zoey explains that her mom didn't get her family money because her dad wasn't a Grimaldi, and now she's trying to get her birthright back. Oh please... Noah tells her that he lost both his parents, too, and she asks if he can still feel his parents like she can still feel hers. She says that she still takes her mom's advice, and they do each others' nails and make muffins together and stuff. Zac comes back and says that Lily's gonna pay the ransom, and he says that he got something as insurance, and there's a big dramatic reveal of a gun ... uh, they already had a gun, didn't they? 

Damian gives Lily a map of the Oakdale Park Rambles and they discuss how she's going to do her Lily Red Riding Hood (t/y, snicks!) number from Into the Woods and then Damian is going to shoot Zee Twins from a treehouse, or something.  

2:29PM EDT: Meg and GrammaEmma ... blah blah. Let's get back to Dress-me-up Lily! Poor Emma ... do they just let her out of her cage once every few months to make cookies for the family? And Paul of course shows up at the hospital and finds out that Meg lied about the baby's appointment.  

Lily and Damian go over their plan again. OMG, didn't we just cover this? Damian's going to grab them from behind when they follow Lily and she insists that she gets to be there when it goes down.

Luke tries to talk Zee Twins out of taking a gun with them. He also insists that he doesn't want the Grimaldi money and that they can have it, even the stuff that they spent on the Luke Snyder Foundation for Kids Who Don't Read Good. Noah asks if they're going to let them go and Zac pinches his chipmunk cheeks and says "Monster, soon you'll be free as a bird." Cue Skynard!

Holden runs into Damian and finds out that he's involved Lily in his plan, and of course Holden punches out Damian. Meanwhile, Lily makes the drop in a garbage can and Zoey goes to get the cash, and Lily throws on her robe. Luke and Noah bicker about things while sweating up a storm in the warehouse, and Noah points out that Luke is being a total Polyanna about the whole thing. The twins open the package - no money, but there's a Zodiac pendant. Zac's all, "They're messing with us" but then Zoey spots Lily in her robe and from 200 yards away spots the pendant that she's wearing around her neck, but of course doesn't recognize that it's not her mother's face six inches above it. HOT!

Zoey chases Lily, who looks like she doesn't know what the hell she's doing, down the stairs... 

2:39PM EDT: OMG Lily is SO trying not to laugh - Zoey catches up with her and Holden yells for her ... Zoey's all, "YOU'RE NOT MY DEAD MOMMY!" and knocks Lily down and runs back to the car. Holden comes across Lily lying in the grass like Snow White. 

Back at the warehouse, Noah kicks over the shrine to Maltese Mama and Luke gets the broken glass from the picture frame and starts cutting through the ropes. Noah makes a joke that the last one to slice open an artery wins. Nice gallows humor, Mayer!

Meanwhile, Lily, Damian and Holden argue about whose fault it is that their ridiculous Scooby-Doo plan didn't work. "We would have gotten away with it were it not for those meddling kids!!" Uh, I think you can all take equal credit. Elsewhere, Zac barks at Zoey for screwing things up and for letting Lily see her.  

2:48PM EDT: The whole Meg/Paul Sleeping With the Enemy thing is actually so bad it's snark-proof, although Paul just pulled a one-eyebrow stink-face that is pretty epic. And then he reminds her that he'll kill her if she puts the soup cans in the cabinet with the labels not facing the same way again.

Noah and Luke get free, but then Zee Twins come crashing in and pull the gun on them. Holden, Lily and Damian are still arguing in the park. And Lily's still wearing her robe. Holden drags her off and she literally says over her shoulder to Damian, "Sorry!"

Oh shit, Zac shot Noah. And actually for no real reason - he didn't rush him or anything. Luke's all, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" Aside from the whole "talk to my dead mom" thing, the fake-gay thing, the bad clothes and hair and the sociopathic tendencies? Mmmmm nothing, why?

2:55PM EDT: Meg has thrown on a bra-and-pantie set with a matching sexy robe and runs to the phone ... to call her mom? HA! She knows Paul is eavesdropping so she makes it sound like she's talking to a lover ... which would be clever were it not totally creepy that she's basically HAVING PHONE SEX WITH HER MOM!! Okay, plotline saved.

Noah is NOT doing well, and Luke is of course in full-on screaming mode. Zac insists that "it's nothing personal, Monster!" and Zoey ties Noah to the pole again. No, that's not a euphemism. Nonetheless, Luke is less than thrilled.

Damian discovers that dead Anna had a daughter named Gia. Luke, tied back up back-to-back with Noah, begs Noah to "stay with him", and Zoey vows revenge on the lady who dared to dress up as her mom. The nerve! I hope Zoey doesn't leave the house on Halloween.

OMG Lily just had a white-hot "I JUST WANT THEM BACK I JUST WANT THEM BAAAAAAACK!" breakdown with Holden. Perfectly insane capper to a perfectly insane episode.

Preview Time! No Nuke, but we'll be back next week for the next chapter ... and you won't BELIEVE what's coming...