Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Ameera Has Two Faces, Part Deux

Okay, I know I used the Mirror Has Two Faces gag a while back, but I was a bit premature in the "cast xenophobic suspicion on the new girl" trick, as the show hasn't really gotten around to suggesting that "Miss Baghdad '08" (as the Aberzombies so charmingly christened her), aka Miss St. Olaf '08 (as I prefer to consider her), Ameera, might be up to no-goodies. And of course, it's Miss Intuition and Mother of the Year herself, Lily, who first suggests that Ameera might be putting Luke and Noah in harm's way and could possibly be aligned with dark and Pervy forces.

Anyway, today As the World Turns picks up in the aftermath of the Least Convincing Auto Accident in Television History and pulls Casey and Matt, who have become many readers' favorite new HoYay couple, into the fray. Will Lily re-don her favorite hausfrau hooker investigation outfit for the occasion? Will Ameera be revealed to have a face on the back of her head like that evil professor in the Harry Potter books? And most importantly, will the boys have a chance to kiss amidst all this intrigue?

Oh please, like that's gonna happen (the Nuke Liplock Clock takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin', eh?). But for everything else, click through the jump and refresh often to follow along... 

And away we go! 

2:55PM EST: Preview Time! No Nuke tomorrow (or Wednesday, from what we hear), but Hotprechaun will be on, and Ice Truck Killer will do his best impression of Neve Campbell in The Craft when he shows off his burn scars. We'll be back when the boys have their next preposterous plot device to dodge!

2:53PM EST: OMG, does Guiding Light have an evil child Omen knockoff storyline?! HOT! Pleeease tell me the ATWT writers are going to poach that and have Little Miss Stormcloud go all Damien on Lily and Holden...

Lily thinks it's a great idea to have Lady Drumstick put in a word for Ameera and they all give LMS a big, cutter-preventing hug for her Google-fu. Luke suggests that they take Ameera out for ... a hayride! Right, because back in St. Olaf she never got to sit in the back of a wagon on a thin bed of dried grass.

2:45PM EST: Holden comes down and tells Quaker Oats Lady that Parker will be down in a minute (he hasn't quite chewed through the restraints yet). Lily tells QOL that she can't stop thinking about Dusty and complains that she can't "be" with Holden ... like, "as a wife."

What, is celibacy contagious? Did Luke and Noah spit in her lemonade? 

Noah and Luke are trying to come up with solutions for Ameera and Little Miss Stormcloud comes bouncing down to tell them that she did an Internets search on "the computer" and thinks Ameera could get a study visa if she enrolls in school. Well thank God, at least she wasn't upstairs crying alone in the dark like I imagined her.

The boys don't think this is realistic, but Holden says that they might be able to make it happen, as Lady Drumstick is on the board at Oakdale U. Because if you ever want to mess up a plan, involve Lily. 

2:36PM EST: Noah serves grape juice to the rest of the kids and asks if Ameera still wants to stay in the country after what happened. She says that there are bad people everywhere, not just America. Little Miss Stormcloud pointedly gets up and leaves the room at this point, though no one seems to notice. Memo to the Snyders: Ixnay on the oom-and-gloomday in front of the epressedday aughterday. Or wait, is the show due for a "cutter" storyline?

Ameera says that she can't stay in the country anyway. Hint much?

Lily and Holden are outside listening to themselves talk and Quaker Oats Lady comes along to pick up Parker, who must be locked up in the attic with the other V.C. Andrews throwaways. She tells Lily, "You look as bad as I feel." Ouch. Considering that this woman is certifiably bat-guano crazy, that ain't exactly a compliment. The truth hurts! 

2:26PM EST: Lady Doctor tells Austin From Days and The Blonde Obstacle that they shouldn't sleep for eight hours in case of concussion, and Detective Starling swoops in on BO like a blackbird on a bit of tinsel, yelping, "That's it, toots, you're coming home with me!" Oh, Starling... 

Okay, have you seen this Aleve ad with the unmarried antiques dealer talking about how much he loves Aleve because of his back pain? He's shot in front of a simply precious assortment of ceramic animals and at one point notes that "nothing's worse than a grumpy old .... antiques dealer". Alright, who else thought another word was coming at the end of that pause?

2:22PM EST: Ha - and OnStar ad! Did I call it or what...

There's been a lot of talk between Matt and Casey about "special" customers and cell-mates and lying to friends about how they met.

Detective Clarice Starling gets in an argument with Matthew Perry 2.0 and when she gestures regarding a "BIG IF" with her hands, it looks like she's measuring something else... just sayin'...

Luke and Noah come home and Little Miss Stormcloud asks what happened. Lily and Holden decide to use this is an opportunity to teach the kids a lesson about understanding and they tell her that the men beat up Ameera because she was foreign and beat up the boys because they're gay. LMS asks, "they beat them up because they love each other? I hate them."

I kind of expect someone to say, "No, Little Miss Stormcloud, hate is never the answer" but the whole clan is like, "Mm-hmm. We're gonna get those fratholes." Hear that, kids? Today's secret phrase is "Vigilante Revenge"!

2:12PM EST: Ameera says that there's no way that Pervs could be behind it and that the Aberzombies tried to hurt her too and would have done so had Luke and Noah not defending her. Lily realizes that she's essentially blaming the victim ("she was wearing her sexiest shayla, she was totally asking for it!") and she apologizes.

Suddenly Lady Doctor pops out of nowhere (like Hamlet's Father, natch) and tells them that they have papers to sign.

Austin From Days is wheeled into the hospital by the hottest orderly I've ever seen. (Insert AFD/Hot Orderly Slashfic HERE)

Matt has the call-letters from the TV or radio station inked on the back of his outfit and jokes about having his butt branded. One thing that OZ taught me: Once a prison bitch, always a prison bitch!

Lady Doctor emerges from the room with AFD and the Hot Orderly and says, "Nothing that an aspirin and an ice-pack won't cure". That's what she said! 

2:05PM EST: The Lady Doctor tells Lily and Holden that Luke and Noah will be sore for a few days but that the majority of the damage will be psychological, making it sound like they were conjoined twins who just went under the knife or something.

Lily instantly begins speculating that the boys were somehow entrapped by the Aberzombies with the help of either Ameera or Captain Pervy. Are they going to become suspicious of their own foreign houseguest? This is just like The Devil's Own! 

Lily and Holden go into Noah's room where the awkward threesome is standing around doing nothing. Lily and Holden pull Ameera out and Lily, master of subtlety that she is, gives her the third degree. Ameera gets all "pop off!" and Lily and Holden lay it out that they are wondering if Captain Pervy is somehow behind all of this. Well, it did look like the perps used the same Toaster Strudel that was used on Luke in the forest, so maybe they're on to something.

Meanwhile, both Austin From Days and The Blonde Obstacle are discovered unconscious, separately and across town from one another, by Bonnie and the Quaker Oatmeal Lady. They're both alive. DAMMIT!