Liveblogging "As the World Turns": And a Nukeblock in a pear tree

Before the Ghost of Christmas Present wraps the citizens of Oakdale in an extra-large Snuggie™ and rocks them to sleep for the holiday, it looks like daytime's Alpha Gay Teen Couple will be suffering from a relapse of Nukus Interruptus thanks to recently returned former third wheel, Maddie.

While yesterday thankfully made up for last year's Mistletoe That Ate Christmas debacle, will the unwelcome Nukeblock sour our eggnog for the holiday season? Or will TSTB (The Scrooges That Be) find it in their hearts to grant us a Christmas miracle?

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

God help us, every one!

2:55PM EST: Noah catches up to Luke and assures him that he's still gay and anyway Maddie is getting back together with Butters. Luke says he wants to have some "private private time" on New Year's Eve and Noah said that he wants the same thing and has never been more sure about anything in his whole life.

Meanwhile Clarice gives Butters a pep-talk about knocking boots with Maddie, and Bonnie gives Derek a pep-talk about Jade. Jade arrives back a the Lily Pad and asks Lily what the hell Derek is hiding. Jade asks if he's her father and Lily says they don't know for sure, but they think so. Cue dramatic music!

Preview Time!: Matthew Perry 2.0 in a hot Christmas sweater, but no Nuke! Aaaaand a PSA for prostate exams. Right on cue!

2:48PM EST: Lily finally gives, saying that Derek "knew Jade's mother". They get her to go back home, but Luke says he'll be home in a bit.

Meanwhile at Java Maddie and Butters stop by and Butters bolts to do some shopping, leaving Maddie to talk to Noah, who invites Butters to Metro on New Year's before he goes. 

Back at the Lily Pad Jade excuses herself to "get some fresh air". Lily tells Holden that if Jade asks about her father she's gonna tell.

Speaking of, Derek's getting hammered at Metro (atta boy!) and Bonnie invites him home for Christmas and they kiss. Jade storms in and he tries to escape but she presses him to know why he helped her. And he's off! She asks Bonnie and she's all "you should ask him" and Jade's like, "uh, I just did?" and wonders what it is that everyone knows that she doesn't.

Back at Java Noah and Maddie discuss how lame they are.

Suddenly the door slams! and Luke is there for a split-second, like the Ghost of Gay Virgins Present, before he bolts at the sight of Maddie and Noah under the same roof. Noah runs after him. 

2:38PM EST: Korean Felon Bobby Sanchez holds his standoff while Clarice ineffectually tries to negotiate. Derek intervenes and tries to talk him down with a monologue straight out of Homicide: Life on the Streets.

Apparently Bobby watches a lot of TV because he doesn't fall for it so Derek attacks him and they take him down. Clarice has them take Sanchez to interrogation - um, he just pulled a knife on a girl, wouldn't they kind of arrest him first or something?

Meanwhile Jade is all, "who do you think you are saving my life like that?!" and Derek calls her "little girl" and tries not to tell her that he's her dad.

Meanwhile, Cafe Vienna tries to convince Henry that his little sister has turned into a total ho. And sure enough, Maddie's trying to rip Butters's clothes off and he slows it down and she gets defensive, saying that she's only in town for a few days so if they're going to get busy she has to do it now. She says that they belong together because when she dates other guys she turns them gay and Butters marries his own relatives.

Butters at least replies, "you didn't turn Noah gay!" She keeps pushing him ... honey, there are still honest-to-God virgins in this town who are way worse off then you are, so just cool your jets. 

And Korean Felon Bobby Sanchez gets sent back to Miami and Jade goes home to the Lily Pad. Lily tries to invite Derek, saying "Christmas is for family", but he doesn't bite ... but Jade wants to know what that all was about.

2:26PM EST: Wait, and Bonnie just called Korean felon Robbie Sanchez "Bobby Sanchez". Heck, she's worse than I am with these names!

Clarice is a bit sore that Holden and Lily hired a PI and he actually, you know, CAUGHT SOMEONE, as opposed to the Oakdale PD's standard operating procedure of ... whatever it is they spend their time doing. 

More tender moments with Butters and Maddie, with him explaining his short-lived marriage to Emily. Maddie's all, "the human trainwreck Emily?" Uh, look around, honey. You're in the middle of a pileup.

Maddie changes the subject by saying "we've been alone in this house for five minutes and you still haven't kissed me". Nope, dating Noah hasn't affected her self-esteem at all, nosiree!

Eew, Henry is feeling around in Cafe Vienna's dress for pepperkakor. And she just said "heart-shaped tub". 

Back at the police station, Clarice is too busy arguing with Derek and Holden to notice that Korean Felon Bobby Sanchez has a knife - which he uses to take Jade hostage! He calls Clarice "Mami" and tells her she's gonna do what he says. OOOH! 

2:17PM EST: Wait, did Bonnie just call the guy that made Jade drive his getaway car a "Korean felon"? 

Luke insists to Jade that he'd never do anything to hurt her and she's all, "you're not my friend anymore!"

Meanwhile, General Foods International Coffees Cafe Vienna hauls her pepperkakor into Al's and tells Henry they have to work Christmas Eve at Metro so she wants to go to dinner. He wants to bring Maddie along and they muse over why she's come home without warning, with Vienna hinting that Maddie might have other plans.

Cut to Butters and Maddie making small talk. Blahblahblah.

Meanwhile, Jade isn't feeling the holiday spirit of forgiveness and just then Lily and Holden arrive, with Derek and the Korean felon right behind them! Korean Robbie Sanchez calls Jade a bitch for ditching him and Derek explains that he's going to confess, clearing Jade of the charges. 

2:06PM EST: Butters tells Detective Clarice Starling that he's going on a date with Maddie and she says everything short of "OMG I thought you were too stupid to snag a nice girl!"

Meanwhile, Maddie meets Noah at Java and asks him if it's weird to be discussing her love life. She says she misses hanging out with him and says she doesn't blame him for not telling her he was gay. She asks how she looks for her date with Butters and he says that she looks great. 

Maddie shows up at Chez Butters and seconds later Clarice is at the PD talking with Luke (is anyone else getting dizzy from all this transporting?) about Jade. She goes to check on Jade and I swear the cop behind the desk checks out Luke's pooper at least once or twice.

Jade comes out and tells Luke she must have been stupid to trust him. Ouch! Meanwhile, Bonnie shows up at the Lily Pad and tells Lily and Holden that she might have Jade out of jail for Christmas. I hope it involves a couple horses and some strong rope.