... We know Major Tom's a junkie ... or wait, isn't that Lily?

Anyway, here we are, back to liveblog today's episode of As the World Turns against our own better judgment. Why? Because even though we've been assured by the chocolate-barraged powers-that-be that Oakdale's Alpha Gay Teens, Luke and Noah, will be on today's episode, we can't imagine that they'll have much to do other than perhaps take out the trash or pick up Little Miss Stormcloud and The Other One from ballet class or something.

But given that today promises some white-hot soap action in the form of a Very Big Thing happening to someone in Nuke's ever-dwindling circle of acquaintances, we'll have some fun with this one regardless. Here's how I'm imagining the couple's entrance:

INT SNYDER FARM KITCHEN - DAY

LUKE sits at the kitchen table, knitting what appears to be a tea cozy. He has a wistful half-smile as he loops and purls with the grace of a seasoned pro, perhaps remembering his younger, wilder days.

With a flourish and a flash of pearly white, NOAH enters through the screen door carrying a white plastic bag.

NOAH: I've found it! And Michael's was MOMENTS away from closing...

LUKE: You didn't!

NOAH: I did! (pulls a spool of green yarn from the bag) Now we can finish the tea cozy for Grandma Emma AND knit a pair of rehab mittens for your mom. Those facilities can be so drafty.

LUKE: Oh Noah, this is the best. Aren't you glad my grandma inexplicably changed her mind and let you live here? Now we can live like normal gay teenagers and not have to worry about anyone disturbing us!

NOAH: (looking sweetly into Luke's eyes) We sure can.

LUKE: (gazing back into Noah's eyes) Yeah.

(pause)

NOAH: So who's up for a nice hot corned beef sandwich?

(End scene)

Click on through the jump to see if this is what happens, and refresh often for breaking updates!

Get your yarn and needles ready, kids - this is gonna be a wild one! 

2:56PM EST: Emmerdale is in a church asking God for forgiveness. Holden tells Lily that he'll take care of her.

Preview Time!: No Nuke, but Austin from Days falls down a hill and Holden gets arrested for killing Dusty, which he of course did not do. Maybe the boys have gone back to their knitting? 

2:53PM EST: Luke and Noah lose to the girls and are forced to say "Girls rule". Luke asks Noah if he let them win and Noah says he wouldn't put his maleness on the line or something like that. Whatever it was, it sounded a little dirty.

Luke points out that their lives are terribly uninteresting for a couple of hot 18-year-olds. Thank GOD he realizes it! But moments later, even though Noah has his hand on Luke's shoulder and is giving him cow eyes, Luke walks away, grousing about his mom again. Grrr... 

2:48PM EST: Austin from Days and the Blonde Obstacle pull over to keep warm because they're lost and almost out of gas. Awesome. AFD suggests cuddling to keep warm and BO says she'd rather set his hair on fire. Settle down, girl, we don't need a Tresseme-related bonfire.

Hotprechaun has a kind of Casey Affleck 2.0 thing going on when he's all serious, doesn't he?

Talk talk talk... there are more suspicions being thrown here than in all three endings to Clue combined. "One ... plus two ... plus one ... plus one ..."

The examiner finds a puncture wound on Dusty. Aren't those jelly smears on the forehead so much easier to diagnose?

Meanwhile, Holden cleans off the hypodermic that he took from Lily and pockets it. Dude, I really wouldn't be sharing gear with her at this point. 

2:37PM EST:Oh wow - we're rapidly approaching one of my favorite soap opera scenarios: the young couple who get in a winter accident and are stuck in a car in the middle of nowhere with no heat or food. At least, I hope that's what happens to Austin from Days and the Blonde Obstacle ... if only because it means she might starve/freeze/be eaten by bears.

2:33P EST: Blah blah Emmerdale blah Dusty blah.

Holden asks Lily how she knew that Dusty was dead. Maybe Vicodin benders activate her psychic abilities? I know they do mine!

Oh! Luke and Noah! Noah waves a cup of hot coffee under Luke's nose (it's not a hot corned beef sandwich, but again, what 18-year-old gets excited about fresh ground coffee?!). Luke tells Noah what he heard from Holden and they embrace. Oh! So cute!

Little Miss Stormcloud and The Other One walk in on them and are all "Ewww - you're hugging!" The other replies, "Duh, they're dating, of course they're hugging." When one of them says that boys are icky, Noah quips that he used to feel the same way. The fellas challenge the ladies to a board game to keep them occupied.

Alright, having the boys be open around the sibs and the sibs treat the boys just like they would any other affectionate couple is pretty awesome. And the boys embraced, which is quite sweet. 

2:24PM EST: Luke! Oh my God, this had better not be the extent of it. Holden calls Luke to tell him that his mom's a crackhead or something. Wow - gives new meaning to "phoning it in". No sign of Noah, and Luke has like two lines and just gets all mad at Holden for not telling him everything.

We cut back to the conversation and Holden tells Luke that Lily OD'd. Luke says he's coming over right away and Holden tells him not to come. Luke asks what he's supposed to do but sit at home and worry (crafting!) and Holden assures him everything will be okay. 

Lady Drumstick tells Holden that Dusty is dead, just as Lily shakes the last cobwebs off her trip and tells him the same thing. How did she know?! 

2:18PM EST: Hotprechaun is on the scene, where Em's doc ma is doing the least convincing chest compressions I've ever seen on Dusty (I hope Grayson Couch got a good nap during all this). They decide that he's a lost cause. Me, I'm deciding that this episode's a lost cause. I wonder how Nuke's crafting projects are coming along?

Grayson Couch not as Dusty Donovan2:14PM EST: Lady Drumstick thinks Dusty's just drunk or knocked out and doesn't seem too concerned, but when she moves to wake him Emmerdale gets all Maria from West Side Story and won't let her near him. HOW MANY BULLETS ARE LEFT, CHINO?!

Holden finds that Lily is clutching a hypodermic in her clammy hand. Either she's "chasing the dragon" or ... well, chasing the dragon.

He asks Lily what was in it and if she took it and she's all, "No, I hate needles". Holden presses her to tell him where she got it but she's off in Trainspotting land. Holden opens one of the handily available medicine cabinets (nice to see they've tightened security since Luke was almost murdered here!) and is almost caught by a doctor, who takes a page and tells him to ask a nurse if he wants something. Crackerjack staff!

2:05PM EST: Austin from Days barges in on the Blonde Obstacle in a nightie. Already this episode has me written all over it.

Um, not.

AFD: You can't put toothpaste back in the tube.

BO: No, but you can throw it out and start over.

When are the writers coming back, again?

Ooh! Someone with a camera walks up to Dusty in a dark room. Dusty asks "What are you doing here?" This is so Friday the 13th... I bet it's Betsy Palmer!

Detective Clarice Starling isn't the perp, because she's busy getting loaded by herself. Lady Drumstick comes in and tells her not to be such a wino.

Meanwhile, Holden finds Lily in a very becoming hospital robe in some kind of fugue state in the hospital's stairwell. He takes her back to her room. Lady Drumstick arrives and everyone takes every opportunity possible to say ironic things about Dusty "having a bad night", being "about to die" and all such. 

Meanwhile, Hotprechaun is at the Ruth's Chris Steakhouse remembering how Dusty stole Emmerdale from him with a murderous look in his eye.

Lady Drums finds Emmerdale cradling Dusty's motionless-yet-bloodless body! His face looks clean, so we know it wasn't another drive-by Toaster Strudeling.