Liveblogging As the World Turns: When you don't care enough to send the very best

Yes, after shaking off the depressing pall that last week's Extra Special Valentine's Day DoubleStandardpalooza episode cast over me, my house, and my custom-made Nuke cookies, I am back to once again face another intimacy-challenged episode of As the World Turns.

But first, I want to direct your attention to a new feature here at AfterElton.com: The Nuke Liplock Clock. Yes, we've rigged up a spot on the front page that keeps a running real-time count, within a range of ten minutes, of exactly how long it has been since Luke and Noah were last allowed to kiss on screen. Check it often for optimum loss of faith in humanity, and let's all pray for the day when we get to set that sucker back to zero.

Back to matters at hand, it looks like today's episode finds our hermetically sealed gay lovers having their domestic (and totally nonphysical) bliss shattered once again by Noah's father, the insidious and incarcerated Captain Pervy. We already know that the news in his letter will launch a whole new (and let me just say, batsh*t crazy) storyline for the boys ... but will it ultimately bring them closer? Well, considering that right now Luke is Oakdale's version of The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, the alternative is near-impossible. 

Click through the jump and refresh often to find out...

And off we go! 

2:58PM EST: Okay, while there's no reason to believe that our Nuke Liplock Clock is going to need resetting any time soon, at least the last 5 minutes of the episode gave the boys something to do other than speak in thinly-veiled meat metaphors and take care of Luke's parents.

Preview Time! Nothing tomorrow, but we know that the new mystery woman who fouls up the boys' lives appears later this week ... Miss Scarlet, eat your heart out.

2:52PM EST: Noah is really freaked out that the letter is missing from his backpack and Luke says that one of his sisters is probably playing a practical joke. Yeah, because Little Miss Stormcloud and The Other One are just the very picture of juvenile playfulness.

Luke and Noah go inside and walk in on Lily and Holden hugging and Luke looks really embarrassed. Which makes perfect sense, because in his and Noah's world, two fully clothed people hugging in a kitchen is the equivalent of Crisco-covered sexual abandon.

Noah tries to pretend that the whole "someone stole a completely worthless letter from my dad" thing isn't bugging him, but we're treated to a hot reverse shot of him looking out the kitchen window with a worried look on his face like he thinks there's someone creeping about in the squash patch. It's so Made for TV Movie and it's the hottest moment of the episode ... it could be a shot from Summer of Fear or A Strange and Deadly Occurrence or something. 

2:45PM EST: Okay, this is starting to actually get interesting in a rather Clue-like way. Luke and Noah come back into ... what, the Conservatory? The Lounge? - and Noah thanks Luke for getting him to reconsider his father's letter. But when he goes to get the letter from his backpack (which he left fully closed on the chair before going out to milk Bessie), his backpack is open and it's gone. 

Who could have taken it?!

My money's on Mrs. Peacock. 

Seriously, I noticed the lingering shot of Noah's backpack when he left it on the chair in the previous scene but thought that maybe the cameraman had literally died of boredom mid-shot. 

2:37PM EST: Lily tells Holden that Quaker Oats Lady asked her to borrow Lady Drumstick's jet to get her puppeteer-murdering little brat out of the country. Yes, "her jet". 

Oh my heck, the LONGEST testimony I've ever seen. Thank God Aaron's at least kinda easy on the eyes or I would have swallowed my tongue minutes ago. This is worse than those things you have to sit through when you cash in a free timeshare.

Luke catches up with Noah outside the farm and he talks some sense into him. They make up and they hug. Luke asks Noah if he wants to work off some of that rage by ... doing "barn chores". Unless "barn chores" is a euphemism (which it isn't), they're literally going to go bale hay.

You know, like typical 18-year-old lovers. 

2:25PM EST: Seriously, this is the lamest argument in the history of the boys' relationship, and it had better not be enough to keep them from kissing for another 6 months.

And Luke had better secretly replace Noah's gourmet coffee with Sanka.

Meanwhile, the babymama crew is having their "the Emmy Rossum impersonator ate my baby" trial in the worlds smallest courtroom. Aaron appears after just having been at the Snyder Farm after moments before being at the hotel. As snicks noted below, I can almost smell the brimstone from all this teleporting. 

2:20PM EST: Luke and a re-caffeinated Noah get into the argument from the preview clip: Luke's suggestion that Noah move past his issues with his father works Noah into an inexplicable lather and he storms out of the Central Perk, leaving Luke understandably stunned.

2:12PM EST: Lily tells Holden that now that she's not chasing the dragon anymore maybe she should move back out. You know, she actually does look rested and kind of less hausfrau-hookerish. All those beans must be doing her good.

At the Central Perk, Luke and Noah continue their conversation about Captain Pervy's letter, which Noah hasn't opened. Luke opens it and reads it aloud. It's just kind of a generic "Dear son whose boyfriend I tried to kill even though I really love you" kind of thing, and since there's no apology in it, Noah ain't having it. He goes to get more coffee. Noah, for our sakes, please switch to decaf!

2:05PM EST: Babymama drama. Wow, the Girl Who Reminds Me of Haley Joel Osment really needs to dress her hubby a little better. What is this, Goodfellas? 

Back at the Snyder Home for Wayward Gay Teens, Lily is making a huge pot of stew and tells Holden she used his mother's recipe. From the looks of it, that entails emptying about 20 cans of baked beans into a pot. Gonna be a fluff-the-covers night for the Snyders!

Luke and Noah are in Maddie Alley talking about coffee (of course!). Noah drops something and Luke goes to pick it up (I'd say that this was a clever reference to the Valentine's Day episode, but I've blocked it out of my mind entirely). Noah snatches it away and Luke realizes that it was a letter from Captain Pervy. Oooh! Yeah, we already knew all this.