Wheeeee! Bet you thought I'd abandoned you, eh? Actually, we're still working out some bugs (or at least the people who actually know how this thing works are), but I've been given the OK to bring you a fresh steamin'-hot cup of Oakdale ridiculousness. One lump or two?

On today's As the World Turns we learn that Noah has taken a job at Java, presumably because he needs the money to pay for his "dead" father's "funeral" or because he, like many of us, needs as much caffeine as possible to keep himself awake during his own flagging storyline.

Regardless, what happens when Noah is told by Oakdale P.D. that his dad has been declared "officially wet dead" and he's given his dog tags as a memento? How will this news affect his already strained relationship with Luke? And perhaps most importantly, does their being broken up mean that Luke won't even get to enjoy Noah's employee discount? Harsh!

Click on through and refresh (your browser, not your coffee cup) often for breaking updates!

A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup...

2:55PM EDT: Aww, Butters and Emily just had an emotional moment that didn't involve humping. Whoop, there they go again. Two corpses, everything's fine...

Oh, Luke is hanging out at Java while Noah is working, and Noah's all, "Pop off!" Luke tells him that he's always going to love him, but he's not going to follow him around anymore. See what I'm doing? I'm not following! I'm not standing in your place of employment giving speeches or anything!

At any rate, Luke tells Noah that if he needs him, he can find him, and he walks out. Outside, he takes a deep breath, and Noah watches him leave through the window. But why do I have the felling that this isn't the last we see of Luke trailing Noah like a blonde shadow?

Preview Time! Wha- did Parker just kiss Diet Juno again? And Holden kissed Carly again? And it's the mom from That 70's Show again? No Nuke, but we'll be back next week!

ACK! TURN IT OFF BEFORE THE I CAN ONLY IMAGINE commercial comes on! It burns! It burrrrrrrrrrrns....!!

2:48PM EDT: Lady Hotprechaun tells her son to do her a favor and not get mixed up with the Stewart family again, and hey of course turn around and Allison and her whole family are there. Wah-waaaaaaah ....

I guess that's what happens when there's only one restaurant in town that isn't a diner. Shouldn't they be celebrating at a Dave & Busters or something?

2:47PM EDT: The judge finds in favor of the DefendANT (I love how he emphasizes the last syllable), so Allison doesn't get to send Hotprechaun through the spanking machine. Emily is of course pissed and is running a smear article on the front page of the paper against Hots.

Luke and Noah are holding hands on the porch, and Noah goes to return to work. Luke tells him not to, and Noah says that he doesn't think that he can be what Luke wants.

Hotprechaun kicks Butters out of his "we beat the pornstar" party, so he goes to Emily's office and asks her to have sex with him. For once, I'm not even exaggerating, that's what happens.

2:38PM EDT: Ha! Emily excuses herself from the trial where her boytoy's dad (with whom she has a child) is trying to put down her sister, but Butters tries to hump her leg before she gets out of the courtroom. Ah, youth...

2:35PM EDT: Tom doesn't enter the DVD into evidence, and basically throws the case when he's called onto the stand.

Meanwhile, Luke and Noah are in the porch, where Luke hands Noah two DVDs ... I hope it's Hot and Bothered! No, it's The Godfather and Road to Perdition, and Noah picks up on the fact that it's a Bad Dad Film Festival. He then hands him a DVD labeled "Luke and Dad", and explains to Noah how his birth father tried to de-gay him, kidnapped him, and tried to steal his trust fund. He tells Noah that he is a good, decent, loving man, and tells him that evil isn't hereditary and that he deserves to be loved.

Noah breaks down in tears, and Luke embraces him.

Alright, it's actually pretty touching. (shakes fist at sky) Damn you, Van and Jake!

2:27PM EDT: Allison is on the stand talking about how Hotprechaun sexually harassed her. They're making her go into detail about how the two of them were intimate. Please, just because she was a porn star doesn't mean you have to have her get all Penthouse Letters on the stand ... give the girl a break!

Luke approaches Noah, and Noah tells him that his dad always wore his dog tags, so he must be dead. Noah says he has to get back to work, and Luke tells him that he needs to call his boss and tell him that he's not coming back. He takes his hand and leads him out of the precinct.

Tom just asked Allison if she was a virgin. What is this, The Accused?!

Back at The Snyder Home for Wayward Gay Teens, Luke sits Noah down and asks him if he wants some soup. Noah reminisces about the time that Pervs dove into the Hudson and says that he lost his chance to make things right with his dad, and Luke finishes his sentence ... "because of me".

Meanwhile, Tom is about to enter Hot and Bothered into evidence, but after Sean, Butters, and everyone else in the courtroom freak out, Hotprechaun stays his hand before he pulls the DVD out of his briefcase. Wait, is there anyone in the courtroom who doesn't know about the porno at this point?! Who caaaaare...

2:15PM EDT: Butters' hair is fixed now, thank heaven. It was downright Pentacostal for a minute there.

Noah brings Luke his coffee and Luke says it's just the way he likes it. Noah goes back to work but a cop comes in and talks with Noah. Luke asks what's up and he says he has to go to the Police Department ... but that's not the important part. The important part is that the girl who works with Noah finds this UNACCEPTABLE. She's all, "You're really leaving me in a bind." Uh, the authorities are involved, lady! Back off! This is officially the grumpiest coffeehouse this side of Dusseldorf.

At the PD, the cop hands Noah a manila envelope containing his father's dog tags. The cop tells him that "they washed ashore back in New York", which is the funniest thing I've ever heard considering that there are entire crime families that have yet to "wash ashore" in New York and these dog tags somehow took a leisurely swim to Coney. Anyway, he tells him that Captain Pervy has been declared officially dead.

Anyway, Luke has stalked followed Noah to the PD and he sees the whole thing.

2:07PM EDT: Meanwhile, Hotprechaun is having his 2,458,395th meeting with the two old guys. A rose between two thorns, indeed. Meanwhile, Emily's mom interrupts the two of them making out and when they quickly cover and get rid of her, Butters smacks Emily on the ass hard enough to leave a mark. So THAT'S how it is in their family...

Oh! Allison's porno DVD makes another appearance, in close-up. Someone really needs to YTMND that... Hey, from a distance, doesn't the guy that Allison's sitting on on the DVD kinda look like Austin From Days? No? Just me? K.

2:03PM EDT: Actually, before we get started (and because I really can't deal with The Bold and the Botoxed today ... with or without Patrick Duffy), what's the deal with gays and coffeehouses on soap operas? First Christian on Forbidden Love works at a coffeehouse, and now Noah works at Java. Are coffeehouses daytime's bathhouses?

Oop! Here we go - Luke comes into Java (with very brown hair) and Noah's already working there. Luke tells him that if he needs any help financially, he's happy to give him a loan. Awkward! He realizes he's being all Richie Rich and he goes to order, but Noah tells him that he knows what he likes (he takes it weak ... like his men) and that he'll bring it to him.

Allison is talking about her porn and crystal meth use. Hey - at least the gay guys haven't gotten into that yet. Oh, she just left her meeting because she's sick.

Butters! What in God's name is up with his hair? That's not a fauxhawk, that's a dorsal fin. He and Emily pretend to care about something for about 7 seconds before they start making out.