Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Coo coo ca-choo, Mr. Wheatables

Okay, first off can I just say that I sure as hell picked the wrong day to skip a liveblog? Yesterday's episode (which was of course brought to you by the ever-able snicks) was sheer brilliance. From Luke's hangover-hair to his second bender to "screw-up and porn queen", it's the meatiest material Van Hansis has had to work with in ages. Heck, even the score (which gave Lady D's hospital scenes downright Sirkian gravitas) was better than usual.

Today we pick up with Luke still three sheets to the wind and Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley still confusing everyone with his overtures toward Lady Drumstick and his curious interest in Luke. Today the simmering, Teflon-haired oddness that is Wheatables boils over in what is sure to be one of the most entertaining twists of the season.

To join the insanity as it happens, click on through and refresh often! 

Put it in your closet pantry with your cupcakes...

2:56PM EST: BlahblahParsleyblahblah ... let's get back to that kiss, shall we?

Pretty great stuff. I love that they've transformed Luke into a sex object for this whole plot, and that Wheats isn't a cut-and-dry baddie. And is anyone else getting a strong Lolita vibe from all this? If Lucinda ends up getting hit by a car in a rainstorm we'll know that Mr. Nabokov's presence is definitely at work here... 

Preview Time!: Luke finds out that his new boyfriend is also his grandpa. Awkward! 

2:52PM EST: Wheatables carries Luke into the house and tells him to sober up. Luke says "you're not my mother" and Wheats says no, but he's going to sober him up before anyone else sees him like this. Um, how about mentioning that you're now his grandpa? That should do the trick!

Moments later, Luke comes downstairs - SHIRTLESS!!! and Wheats gives him some tea. OMG this is amazing - it's like something right out of Gods and Monsters. Luke thanks Wheats for helping him and admits that he's screwed up everything that he loves.

Wheats sits down and comforts him, and Luke puts his head in his lap. Wheats tousles his hair and kisses his forehead and then his cheek ... and then his lips! Luke goes with it for a split-second then jumps back like he's been bitten by a snake. He mumbles, "What the hell was that?!" and stumbles back upstairs.

HOT! 

2:45PM EST: GLily tells Quaker Oats Lady that her mom married Wheatables and QOL's like, "That old queen?" "Seriously?" Wheats, meanwhile, heads home to pick up some things (singing "The Marriage of Figaro" - badly - in the car) and finds Lost Weekend Luke stumbling around drunk, so he stops to pick him up.

2:37PM EST: GLily invites Lady D to move in with her and Lady D says she doesn't want to end up crying in a bed, she wants to bring down the curtain dancing the tango with her partner. Atta girl! Although you might want to pick a different partner. Just sayin'.

Parsley has concerns that she will have to swear on the Bible at the trial tomorrow, likely because if she touches one she'll burst into flames.

Back at the farm, Luke begs Noah to stay and tells him he wants things to go back to how they were. Noah says that's impossible and takes Luke's keys and leaves. As soon as he's gone Luke rifles through the drawers and cabinets (for ... a bottle? The keys to his chastity belt?) and runs out the door, screaming "Dammit, Noah! You can't walk out on me!"

In the hospital, Wheats presents Lady D with a pre-nup saying that he's getting nothing out of the wedding and they get married. Lady D is wearing a castoff costume from Oakdale Community Theater's production of The Mikado and Wheats delivers a very sweet little speech. When Wheats kisses the bride she does this weird smoochy thing with her lips that calls to mind a gerbil drinking from a metal tube.

2:24PM EST: BlahblahParsleyblahblahDammit!blahblahBadMotherblah.

Ooh, hot cop! I couldn't quite read his nametag but I think it read "Officer Clean".

Noah drops Luke off in the kitchen and tries to leave him swaying by the sideboard, but Luke grabs him and boozily begs him to stay. Lord, I can smell his breath from here...

Back in the hospital, Lady D tells GLily that she saw the Grim Reaper standing at the foot of her bed and is walking in the valley of the shadow of death and gives a fierce "I WANNA LIVE! MY LIFE!", which almost makes us forget that she's losing her ever-loving mind.

2:17PM EST: Wheatables kisses Lucinda on the forehead and says "see you at the wedding, my love" and leaves, and Gilded Lily chases him down and tells him that he's taking advantage of nana in her morphine haze. Wheats is all, "this was her idea and we just want to be happy and I would never hurt her" and GLily is all "you're nutso" and he's all "oop, gotta call the judge!"

Back in the room Lady D asks GLily to pass her her mirror and lipstick and GLily gets all "Shelby, drink the juice!" with her and tells her she's not letting her marry Wheats.

And speak of the devil, it's Sally Field! 

2:12PM EST: Wheatables says that maybe GLily needs some time to digest the info and Lady D says no, she's going to tell them all why it's such a bad idea. She asks why they just don't get married that night, in the room. Wheats seems to be in favor of the idea.

Back in the alley, Luke is throwing balls of paper into a trash can (swish!) and Noah tells him that he can't believe he's so drunk. He orders Luke to drink his coffee (good old Noah! Trying to solve all his problems with caffeine.) and Luke salutes him and tells him he's acting just like his dad, "Colonel Don't Ask Don't Tell". They get into a physical struggle (which is as close to a sex scene as they've had since ... ever) and Luke goes limp, and Noah disgustedly says that he's taking him home. 

2:05PM EST: We kick off with Noah stalking Maddie Alley looking for Luke. Luke pops out from behind a ficus and is all "here I am wheeeeeee!" Meanwhile, Gilded Lily and Holden are worried that Luke is missing. And back at the hospital, Wheatables comforts Lady Drumstick and fluffs her pillows (no, that's not a euphemism) and says he's not holding her to her proposal since she was wacked-out on goofballs.

In other news, Liberty begs Quaker Oats Lady not to ruin her mom's life (too late!) and Dammit! gives Matthew Perry 2.0 back his ring.

Lady D just referred to herself as a cougar and Wheats as a "tadpole" ... am I missing something? Can he spontaneously change gender or something? He tells her he does want to marry her and rubs noses with her. GLily and Holden arrive and Lady D tells them that she and Wheats are engaged, and GLily looks at her like she just crapped the bed. HOT!