Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Crowded house

Today on As the World Turns we learn that living under the same roof as his handsy new peepaw has led Luke to find all sorts of excuses to get out of the house, like skipping his own cousin's wedding and going backpacking alone in the woods.

Okay first off, Luke shouldn't be backpacking period after his last two camping disasters. And second, what's next? Torturing small animals and collecting his scabs? Luke's on a fast-track to Dahmerville unless someone intervenes, fast...

Luckily, Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley, is happy to broach the subject of Luke's budding sociopathology and tries to make amends for, you know, trying to stick his tongue down his throat. (Twice.)

Will Luke accept his apology or go down to the basement to listen to the ham radio for signs of an alien invasion and fortify the foundation against sandworms? Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

"Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over..."

2:56PM EST: Luke admits that he doesn't know what the right thing to do is right now, because he doesn't want to hurt his gran, but he agrees to keep his secret safe. Wheats asks if they're good now and extends his hand, and Luke shakes it and says that yes, they're good. You know, as far as step-grandpas with crushes on their sexually starved grandsons go. Is it just me or is someone going to wind up blinding themself in this whole situation?

Preview Time!: No Nuke, but Jade is on her way back and I might tune in just to see Paul take a handful of pills... 

2:48PM EST: Quaker Oats Lady barges back into Craig's room the minute Dani is out and moments later a cutie with room service delivers the champagne. QOL also points out the grossness of Craig's saying that Dani was like a daughter to him when he's shtupping her, which parallels nicely with the goings-on at the Lily Pad. Clever writers! 

Meanwhile Dani drops in on Momma Clarice to quit her job, effective immediately. She makes up some BS about a college friend being sick.

Wheats tells Luke that it might seem like he's trying to weasel out of the truth but that his life it more complicated than one word, and Luke says, "you can choose to live in the closet if you want to." Wheats says he loves Lucinda, but Luke says that since she doesn't know that he's attracted to men that's not fair to her.  

Luke says that their marriage is bunk because they're not having sex and when Wheats replies that relationships aren't all about sex Luke snarks, "you don't have to tell me about that, I just got out of a relationship without any!"

Zing! 

2:38PM EST: Quaker Oats Lady tries to talk her way into Craig's hotel room (while he has a gun to his back) and while she jammers on, even saying "blippity bloppity bloo" at one point - what, no "zalikadula mitchakabula"?) and he finally gets rid of her by saying that he's about to either be killed or get laid. I have to remember that the next time the Mormons knock on my door...

Wheatables tells Luke that Lady D has been through a lot lately and that she deserves to be happy, and that he genuinely loves her. Luke flat-out asks if he's having sex with her and he's like, "that's none of your business" and Luke's all, "you were sniffing up my hydrant and I got every right to ask if you're sniffing up my nana's!"

He says they're not doing it, and Luke says, "Peepaw, you're gay, and you're too scared to admit it." Churrrrrrch!

Meanwhile, Craig gets the gun from Dani and gives her a pile of cash and gets rid of her. Well that was easy! 

2:27PM EST: Meanwhile Dani has pulled a gun on Craig in his hotel room and Quaker Oats Lady overhears the rather hilariously accented bartenders discussing sending a bottle of fancy champers up to his room ... and runs up herself, of course, to ambush them.

2:24PM EST: Luke is all, "closetedgaygrandpasayswhat?" and Wheats eventually admits to coming on to him and then making him think he'd imagined it. He says that he's attracted to Luke and asks "who wouldn't be?" and Luke answers, "um, straight men?"

Ha!

Wheats says that he hates labels and that he cares for Luke and hates to see him not living up to his potential. He knows he put Luke in an impossible situation and that he hurt him and wishes he could make the hurt go away. Luke says he has to tell Lady Drumstick the truth and come out, and Wheats says he's not gay. Luke asks what he would do if Luke were to tell his grandma what happened himself ... 

Meanwhile, Austin From Days and Blonde Obstacle get into a tiff on the front porch and Detective Clarice Starling comes crashing out in her housecoat like Vicki Lawrence, hollerin' "what's all this racket?" I half-expected her to shoot Austin's buns full of rock salt. 

2:15PM EST: BlahblahCraighotelroomsblahblah...

BlahblahBoozyblondesblahblahblah...

Luke, rocking his Freddy Krueger sweater, asks Wheats what game he's playing now. Wheats tells Luke he's the one who's playing the victim by shutting out his family, going hiking alone, etc. Luke says it's not his fault he can't stand being in his own house anymore (um ... go back to the farm?) and says that he can't talk to anyone about anything anymore because no one cares about what he thinks anymore.

Sounds like someone needs a hug! (No, not you, Wheats.) But Wheats does apologize for the trouble he's caused. 

2:07PM EST: Quaker Oats Lady and The Blonde Obstacle are having drinks at the hotel and talking about how spectacularly lame their friends are with all their murder schemes and whatnot. BO says how much she hates her brother Craig and we of course cut to Craig and Austin From Days discussing Craig's sex life. Um ... ick?

Over at the impressively festooned Lily Pad (seriously, this joint is a scented candle short of a Pottery Barn in mid-December) Luke gets home from a hike to find Wheatables on the couch reading the Penny Saver. He tells Luke that he and his wife Lady D stayed home from the wedding to do married things like not sleep together, which Luke totally calls him on.

Wheats puts his paper down, presumably to give his little Lolita a stern talking to.