Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Dial "M" for "Monotony"

Today Luke and Noah are back and hot on the trail of the elusive "M", the person who may or may not be responsible for the deaths of Oakdale's Alpha Hot Tub Gay and Elle Woods (and who may or may not be Dame Judi Dench).

Will today's episode finally put the cap on these murder-mystery shenanigans and move our beloved gay couple into the next chapter of their relationship? Oh dear God let's hope so.

To find out as it happens, refresh often and follow along below! 

One ringy-dingy ... two ringy-dingies...

2:05PM EST: Ali: "How could I be so stupid?" Butters: "Take it from me, it's not that hard." These guys make it too easy!

Over at Java, Luke gives Noah the good news that Butters has been cleared of the drug charges and complains that his mom is too hard on him. Kevin comes in and they discuss Elle Woods' murder and Luke tells them that they traced the deathcar to Matt! Kevin's all, "good!" and Noah's all, "what's so good about it?" Suddenly Kevin's all, "I have to go, I'm ... in the middle of a big bike race!" and runs off and the boys are all, "whaaaaah?"

Meanwhile, a windblown Clarice Starling and a nameless rent-a-cop go to check out the deathcar, which has been located by Oakdale PD. 

2:10PM EST: Ali: "Maybe we're just too good at messin' stuff up." Hey, you gotta have a gimmick! 

OMG this commercial with the pets singing about Bounce drier sheets is AMAZING! Meanwhile, the little girl who demands Van De Kamps needs to get sent to that Kid Nation town where they have to kill their own chickens. 

2:15PM EST: Butters and Ali are still at it on the rooftop. Nothing's sexier than talking a relationship to death.

Meanwhile, Gilded Lily is giving Jade relationship advice. Oh, and Jade plans on banging the crap out of Butters tonight.

Noah picks up on the fact that maybe Kevin knows something, and Luke is onto it with him.

Meanwhile, Detective Clarice checks out the deathcar (wait, is it even the same one from the other day?!) and notes that the lock has been forced and it's been hot-wired. Since they conveniently don't show the door handle, we'll have to take her word for it. 

2:17PM EST: So is it just me, or is Chris Parnell from SNL the voice of the Hamburger Helper hand? 

2:23PM EST: GLily to Butters: "It's so nice to have you back where you belong." Well hel-lo, Butters oh hel-lo, Butters...

Clarice tells Ali that they found someone else's prints in Matt!'s car and they want to use her as bait to get Matt! back to question him. Oakdale PD is in fine form!

Luke just said the "M"agic word: "M"ark! But neither he nor Noah have put it together yet. Let's see ... "Mmmm... macchiatto!"

And Mark just showed up to harrass Ali. He tries to drag her off somewhere. She's all, "you're high." Boy, he sure took a turn for the batshit pretty fast, didn't he?

2:37PM EST: Mark tells Ali she has to go with him or Butters will get hurt. This is the least convincing kidnapping I've ever seen! Aaaand of course Butters comes around the corner just as they leave. Why didn't Ali try to call him, or something? Butters' mom calls and tells him that she's using Ali as bait. Wait, why didn't Clarice call Ali to ask her if Matt! had called back yet? Oh my. The hot nameless doctor hovering in the background is the only thing keeping me from going into a logic fit.

Luke: "When have I ever been wrong about people?" Noah: "Want a list?" They decide that without Noah he'd fall apart. Awww. Butters calls and lets them know that the cops don't think Matt is the killer anymore. Luke stands up for Kevin's honor. Wait, didn't Luke go into hissyfits about how unfair Kevin was to him last time they were involved?

At the diner, Luke and Noah ambush Kevin and steal his phone and realize that he's been calling Mmmmmmark. They get out of him that he knew that Mark killed Reg and Elle Woods. Meanwhile, Mmmmmark has Ali in a basement somewhere and she realizes that she's in peril, yet again, when he reveals that he was responsible for the deaths of Reg (an accident) and Elle Woods (who he had to kill after Elle sold Reg the pills that killed him). 

Mmmmmark wants Ali to "put on a show" for him. Like what, magic tricks? Does she juggle? Spin plates? Tapdance? He pulls out a needle - he's serious about his soft-shoe!

2:47PM EST: Butters calls Ali but before she can tell him where she is Mmmmmark shoots her up. Ali's all, "What is it, crystal meth? Heroin? ... I need to know which outfit to put on!" and collapses. 

GLily tells Jade that Butters doesn't want to churn her milk anymore because he already got it for free. SNAP!

Luke and Noah grill Kevin on Mmmmmark and he says he didn't put the pieces together until after Elle Woods was already dead. And Mmmmark keeps demanding his show from Ali. Dance, little porn girl! DANCE! He shoots her up some more. And he's about to shoot her into next Wednesday when Matt! comes around the corner and pushes him into some empty cardboard boxes conveniently stacked to break his fall.

Matt! picks up Ali to carry her to safety but Butters rounds the corner and punches Matt! out, and runs off with Ali. 

Mmmmark calls Kevin and he plays dumb, and agrees to meet him on Elle Woods Bridge to give him some money. Noah calls Clarice to tell her that Mmmmmark is the killer and that he's meeting Kevin at the bridge. Clarice: "Are you sure?" Aaaand that's good enough for her, apparently. Of course, the second Noah's off the phone with her the boys rush off to the bridge to foul everything up. 

2:54M EST: Luke and Noah coach Kevin on how to pull off a sting operation and he crosses Elle Woods Bridge, and of course Mmmmmark is like, "Uh, what's with the two gay guys hiding behind the pole over there?" Luke and Noah come out and Mmmmmark comes at Noah with a pipe, which Noah quickly gets from him.

Mark goes to jump off the bridge and says, "you faggots think I'm the sick one?" and Luke says maybe they should just let him jump. Churrrch! Whoops - Mmmmmark slips and falls off the bridge anyway!

But it looks like Mmmmmark didn't fall, and is hanging from the bridge. Luke and Noah try to pull him up but he won't take their faggy hands. HA! They finally manage to get him back up and Clarice and her goons show up at the last minute of course to cart him away. Clarice gives her standard "uh, next time you boys want to do my job for me because I clearly can't do it myself you should join the academy", leading to a cute "I'm Starsky" ... "No, I'M Starsky!" moment.

And Ali's still alive. Whee. 

Preview Time!: No Nuke, but thank GOD that when we come back this whole murder mystery will be a thing of the past.