Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Dial "T" for "Tedious"

Yes, we're back for another thrilling day of inaction and non-adventure in the saga of Luke, Noah, and The Prettiest Little Plot Device East of St. Olaf.

In today's episode it looks like Luke gets all Harriet the Spy on Noah's sham wife, and catches her on the phone with Noah's murderous, homophobic father, Captain Pervy. Now, I'm generally a big fan of thrillers that revolve around telephones (Murder by Phone, Don't Answer the Phone, Cellular), but this might put an end to that once and for all. What will happen when Luke confronts Ameera? How will Noah react when he hears that his wife has put his killer pop in her Fave 5? And most importantly, should I have tuna fish or dumplings for lunch?!!

The answers to these questions and more await through the jump...

Can you hear me now?

2:55PM EDT: Noah apologizes to Luke and says that he wants to do better but he doesn't know how. Luke says that he doesn't either but that they need to remember that they're both on the same side and that if something bad happened to Noah because of Ameera that he couldn't live with it. They hug. 

Preview Time!: Nada. But Lily is "back", Butters hits the Big Apple with Emily, and we may have more Nuke later this week. Stay tuned!

2:52PM EDT: Luke opens up to Drumstick about everything and says he thinks he's getting selfish, and she laughs that off, fully aware that he's Oakdale's longest living martyr at this point. She looks up and sees Noah lingering in the doorway (Luke taught him well!) and she makes a quick exit. Noah comes in and he and Luke look at one another. 

2:43PM EDT: Apparently Dammit!'s nickname back in high school used to be "Juicy Janet". Uh ... I'm not even going to go there ... but I have a feeling she's not quite as juicy as she used to be. It happens!

2:39PM EDT: Luke storms into Pity Me Ranch and runs smack into Lady Drumstick, who has just parked her private hovercraft outside after doing some shopping for the girls (Lily is still off at the reprocessing plant, of course). Her gay teenager drama senses are tingling, and Luke opens up to her about how lame it is to date Noah.

Meanwhile, Ameera approaches Noah and he's all, "you followed me?" and she's all, "I heard you fighting with Luke" and he's all "why are you calling my dad?" and she's all "I need to know what he wants" and Noah's all "YOU AREN'T THE BOSS OF ME!" and he storms off. 

2:32PM EDT: Noah tells Luke that he's looking for a conspiracy that isn't there. No, he's looking for a plot that isn't there.

Noah calls Luke jealous, and Luke's all, "Whaaa?" Noah says that she's not involved in a scheme with his father, and Luke tells him that he knows nothing about her and that she could be doing Allah-knows-what to survive. Of course, during this conversation Ameera has popped out of a ficus (Sensei Pervy has taught his student well!) and hears the end of the argument, where Noah says he knows Ameera because she's his wife and Luke says, "And what, I'm just some jerk who's trying to ruin your perfect little life with your wife" and storms off.  

2:27PM EDT: While Dammit! is shoving her spicy meatballs between Austin From Days and The Blonde Obstacle, her evil Diet Juno spawn is getting all Kids with Parker. Can't this boy catch a break? More than anything, I'm glad to see the trampy mother-daughter conwoman setup from Heartbreakers get the remake it so very much deserves.

2:21PM EDT: Wait, Dammit!'s last name is Ciccone? HA!

Okay, what's up with this Hellmann's ad that suggests that eating mayonnaise is some kind of way of reclaiming our health and humanity? Thirty Helens agree, mayo is terrible for you! 

Luke sits Noah down in Maddie Alley and tells him that he heard Ameera calling Pervs in the clink, and Noah is dismissive of the situation in a way that only a man whose script advises him to ignore any semblance of reality could behave.  

Okay, I'm becoming obsessed with Dammit! and her Olive Garden Hospitaliano ways. Can she make Chicken Con Broccoli? 

2:15PM EDT: Luke lingers in the doorway (doesn't he know that's a sign of poor breeding?!) as Ameera struggles with the prison operator to get through to Captain Pervy. Ameera notices him standing there and tells him he's being a snoop and he tells her she's being a bad wife. Oooh, throwdown! 

When we cut back, they've traded places in the room but are still arguing over the phonecall. Ameera tells Luke that since Noah didn't find out what Pervs wanted, it's up to her to find out. Luke tells her that where he comes from, people don't lie to the people that they love. (cough!Lily!cough!) Ameera says that she's trying to protect Noah, and Luke says she might be protecting herself, and storms out. He runs into Noah outside and tells him that they have to go talk somewhere. Let's see, what set is available?

Meanwhile, back at the cooking show, Blonde Obstacle is using canned marinara and garlic powder, which Dammit! just can't seem to bear, and she storms the set in a fit of Rachael-Ray caliber brazen annoyance. BO looks like she's doing to drown her and her overprocessed hair in EVOO. 

2:05PM EDT: Noah has to run to school to drop off a paper and while pulling on his jacket flashes Ameera enough treasure trail to fill another Indiana Jones sequel. She says she'll get dinner ready and when he's all "You know we're not a real couple" she's all "it makes me feel more comfortable blah blah." He leaves and the second he's out the door she picks up her cell phone and dials. Luke enters the house behind her just in time to hear her say, "I'd like to talk to Colonel Winston Mayer." Oooooh, chit!

Austin From Days and The Blonde Obstacle are up to their annoying cooking shenangans on set again, and are interrupted when AFD's "old friend" Janet (Diet Juno's mom) shows up. Dammit, Janet! The director tells them to go back to "where the veal hits the pan". I think the veal already has hit the pan!