Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Do they have sharks in St. Olaf?

Yes, we're back to liveblog the rapidly downward-spiraling gay storyline on As the World Turns, which has maiden aunts Hot Gay Teens Luke and Noah putting aside their own physical needs and natural romantic attractions in favor of helping a complete stranger with tenuous ties to Noah's murderous father secure American citizenship.

And they say kids these days lack focus!

Anyway, the title of today's liveblog refers to a reality that I've been reluctant to admit but which the crushing dread I'm feeling upon having to do this liveblog has made clear:

Nuke has jumped the shark. 

Others might say that the shark came months ago ... that Nuke "jumped the mistletoe" or "jumped the Aberzombies" or even "jumped the Pervy". But even though I held on as long as I could, the utter ennui that has plagued me since the arrival of Ameera makes it clear that this plot device is essentially a death sentence for the boys. The mainstream coverage of the lack of Nuke nookie might be drawing the spotlight to the situation, but will it actually lead the PTB to change? I don't know anymore.

But I do know I have to keep liveblogging these two come hell or high water (neither of which are entirely out of the question), so here we go. Click on through and refresh often for breaking whine!

Let's see what's going on at the Snyder Home for Neutered Gay Teens and Iragi Refugees, shall we?

2:54PM EST: Homeland security shows up and take Ameera away for questioning. They give Lily a card with a number to call in the morning to see how she's doing. It's just like having your car towed! Noah vows to do something about it.

Wow, Quaker Oats Lady just had a HOT sepiatoned nightmare involving the cackling puppet, Kit, and the hunting rifle from Match Point. She goes downstairs to find Parker in the living room ... staring at the puppet!

Preview Time! Luke tells Lily and Holden that Noah has decided to marry Ameera in order to keep her in the country. If you tell me you didn't see that one coming, I've got a bridge right down the street that I can sell you real cheap.

We'll be back tomorrow to document all the ridiculousness! 

2:49PM EST: Back in the alley, Luke tells the Feds that Ameera is inside and they go in. Noah is pissed that he cooperated. The Feds go up to Ameera and when they try to take her away after identifying themselves, Casey stupidly punches him. Clever boy! The arrest him and seconds later are in the police station booking him. Meanwhile, Ameera has run out, and Noah and Luke somehow get her back to the farm.

Lily and Holden are less than thrilled with the idea that Nukemeera has just fled from a federal investigation, but it's nothing that a little loofah action won't help them forget! 

Oh, the I Can Only Imagine Christian Anthems collection commercial ... again! And we wonder why the Muslim girl and the gay boys are getting the short end of the stick. I Can Only Imagine.

2:43PM EST: You know, I really feel for Van and Jake. Van in particular is really doing everything to get across that there's a spark in this relationship despite the fact that the characters have been castrated. 

2:37PM EST: Oh come ON...

Luke and Noah are nuzzling on a bench outside and move to kiss, and we CUT! Literally split-second before their lips touch.

A post-shower-nookie Holden gets a strange phonecall from a man asking for Ameera...

We cut back to the Alley of Gay Sin and Luke and Noah are apparently making out - we don't know, because WE ONLY SEE THEIR FEET. Two men from homeland security interrupt them and say they're looking for Ameera.

Notice that the Feds couldn't care less that the boys are making out? If only the show treated them with such respect. 

2:24PM EST: Holden in the shower! Woo-hoo -- oh, there's Lily.

She looks like she's going to be sick. Maybe it's the awful love ballad that they're playing?

Back at the mixer, Luke and Noah check with Ameera, and she says she might just not be ready for this kind of thing. She goes back inside and Luke tells Noah to give her some time, that she's a smart girl.

How'd they get the rights to use Rihanna, btw?

Casey is checking out Ameera, or at least looking at her as the shyly eats corn chips by herself. Matt picks up on it and comes over to her to ask her to dance for Casey and he talks to her in that loud way that Americans have of yelling at people that they don't think speak English.

Noah and Luke don't recognize Matt for some reason and decide not to interrupt.

Matt tells Ameera that his friend wants to dance with her and when she says no he says, "come on, he's cute!" He also notes that "it's been a while and he might be a little bit rusty". Okay, their dialog is officially more loaded than Luke and Noah's at this point.

Ameera actually looks like she's enjoying herself dancing with Casey (don't they both dance like babies in diaper commercials?), so Luke and Noah go outside to "get some air". Oh, sorry -- did I use ironic quotation marks? No, I really meant that they went out to get some air. What the hell else would I mean?!

2:16PM EST: Holden and Lily are flirting and he goes to take a shower and asks, "Wanna join me?" Um ... actually, I do.

Nukemeera arrive at the honky-tonk and Ameera instantly says "back in St. Olaf parties aren't like this". Sigh. A guy from her global studies class comes over and flirts with her and asks if Noah is her boyfriend. Luke comes back with their diet sodas and says, "uh no, he's MY boyfriend." The guy is of course relieved. He leaves when she doesn't respond and says she'd rather dance with Noah instead.

Meanwhile, Casey and Matt and Whatshername arrive and of course they're conveniently in the same third-wheel situation. Oh, you subtle scab writers and your clever leitmotifs!

Noah says that his first dance is with Luke but that she should dance with the Global Studies guy right next to them. A few minutes later the boys are dancing and the Global Studies guy is getting a bit too close to studying Ameera's globes for her tastes, and she bolts out of the room. Or maybe it was his atrocious dancing, I can't tell. 

2:12PM EST: Quaker Oats Lady finds a tape recorder under Cowboy Jack that's making him talk. Please tell me that the Jigsaw is behind this and that she'll be in a jawtrap by the end of an episode.

Someone drops another canvas laundry cart almost in the near vicinity of her! Let's hope there weren't any spunky, singing orphans hiding in this one.

2:05PM EST: Oop, first we check in with Matthew Perry 2.0, who goes to save Quaker Oats Lady from Kit. (Again.) QOL is almost felled by a canvas laundry cart in a warehouse! 

We cut to Matt and Casey, who at this point are a more convincing gay couple than Nuke. Casey tells Matt he's wearing too much cologne. Casey says "you so owe me" and Matt says "you know I'm good for it". Hm. Maybe he'll pay in trade?

Alright, back at the farm, Ameera is already enrolled at Oakdale U and taking classes, but Noah's wounds from the highway Toaster Strudel attack haven't healed. Somebody get that boy some Vitamin E.

Noah tells Ameera that she should come along to the University dance. Luke looks less-than-thrilled that their new third wheel will be with them, but he quickly invites her along. Ameera asks if she should change into something else and Lily tells her she looks great (coming from a woman with a closetful of undercover hookerwear, that's not saying much).

Ameera is worried about the prospect of being around people who are "hooking up" (no wonder she enjoys being with Noah and Luke so much!) and alcohol. 

Oh no, that effing puppet is back! That thing's survived more assassination attempts than Ford and Nixon combined! And it has more personality.