Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Don't Ask? Do Tell!

Daytime's Alpha Gay Duo are back on the air today, and for once it's Best Little Barista in Oakdale Noah Mayer who's driving their new storyline. 

In the wake of sad news for the Butters family, Noah finds out that his filmmaking studies are advancing to the next level, leading him to start a new military-themed project. Will the boys end up in fatigues, or just fatigued?

To find out, follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates!

Now let's start looking for a few good men... 

2:08PM EDT: Right off the bat, we have Noah coming into the Lily Pad and opening a letter from the Dean telling him that he has been accepted into the honors film program, meaning that he now gets to make his own film. He's not sure what to make his first film about, so Luke advises him to "take a step back ... and relaaaaxxxx." The thinly-veiled innuendo continues ... OMG this is FILTHY! Someone's going to offer someone a meatball sub any second. 

Oop, Ali just arrived. Same diff!

Over at Chez Butters, Butters and his family are mourning the loss of his brother, Adam. Butters doesn't want to go to the memorial because it's just going to be the three of them and none of them has anything good to say about him.

Back at the Pad, Ali discusses Adam's memorial with the boys, and Luke and Noah want to go to support Butters. Ali and her That Girl hair agree. 

Meanwhile, Dusty and Bonnie squabble in the street while they hunt for Paul, and Dusty gets sassy with a local cop. Paul brings "Eliza" (aka an empty car seat) into the preserves stockade to listen to Talyor Swift 2.0 4.0 play folk music on her acoustic. The cop enters and notices the baby.

2:09PM EDT: @Preparation H: Ooooooh why would you even GET ON a teeter-totter with hemorrhoids?! Screw quality time - that's why God invented Xbox, dude. 

2:26PM EDT: Butters walks his father down memory lane, only this memory lane has Adam on it, driving drunk and wearing a blindfold. He says that if he has to open his mouth at the memorial, he can't be sure of what might come out. I vote for pea soup. A dour Detective Clarice Starling comes out and says she's ready to go. (I bet today's one of those days she's not wearing L'Air du Temps.) 

Officer Friendly reminds TS4.0 that they have a date to see a movie later, and she hides the non-baby in the break room, where Paul is hiding. Meanwhile, Dusty and Bonnie get the call that the baby isn't in Sparta, which means we won't get to see Dusty do his best 300 impression. They head off to get some ... dun-dun-dunnn .... FOOD!

At the church, Nuke and Ali show up at the service and Butters thanks them. They all sit and the priest recites lines from a Simon and Garfunkel song until he's interrupted by a super-hot man in uniform. Now you're talkin'!!

Officer Hotpants introduces himself as Riley Morgan, and he tells them that he met Adam in Afghanistan. He says that Adam was trying to make amends for the crap he'd pulled in Oakdale by building houses for bombing victims. Okay, that's nice and all, but some flowers and a card probably would have covered it, right?

After Riley (who looks like the illegitimate lovechild of Bob Saget and JC Chazes) is done, Detective Clarice invites him over to Chez Butters for punch and pie.

Meanwhile, Dusty and his bulletproof windswept hairdo decide to sit in the street while Bonnie goes to Ye Olde Jam Shoppe to get some food, and of course finds not-Eliza sitting on a Kettle Corn display while Paul hides behind the counter. She's of course not quick enough to figure out that it's the kid they're looking for.

And of course Officer Friendly spills the beans to Taylor Swift 2.0 about their out-of-town visitors, and they stumble across Dusty.

2:29PM EDT: Two quick things: When Riley introduced himself, it was as "Officer Riley", but then Clarice called him "Sergeant Riley". A reader pointed out that he isn't wearing Sergeant stripes ... if anyone in that town should be able to read officer's stripes, shouldn't it be her?!

And also, is this whole Dusty/Paul interlude making anyone else hungry for homemade fudge and antiquing? No? K.

2:37PM EDT: Bonnie assaults the countergirl for leaving an empty carseat on the counter unsupervised and then quickly forgets it all and buys some organic pears. Mind like a steel trap, that one!

Officer Friendly and his upside-down clown cone give Dusty a hard time and then TS4.0 bails on the movie, and both of their ice creams disappear. Strange little village they got there, eh?

Back at Chez Butters, Ali comforts him with her That Girl flip in front of the gas grill. Butters feels guilty for driving Adam off to get blown up by terrorists. Way to make it about you, dude! Jeez, is he gonna pull of his face and reveal that he's been Lily all along, or something?

Inside, Mister Clarice and Nuke chat up Riley, who gives Clarice a small manila envelope, saying he thought she might like to have it. "Oh great, I was just looking for a place to keep my coupons!" 

2:45PM EDT: Turns out Riley gave Clarice ... a mix CD. Wow, how very seventh grade. Clarice is either moved or disgusted, but either way she steps back. She then makes everyone sit down at the world's smallest 7-top table (they actually face away before we see everyone crammed onto it) and then Noah and Luke chat up Riley about his military life. Luke asks if he knew Captain Pervy and Riley doesn't respond and Luke quickly notes that maybe that isn't the best line of questioning right now.

Clarice then invites Riley to stay at their house rather than the motel. And outside Ali is offering Butters some sexual healing...

Wait, what is Bonnie's last name, again? They've said it twice already but it sounds like a cat coughing up a hairball. She mentions to Dusty that she found an empty carseat in the store but it wasn't Eliza, because the shopgirl said it wasn't. Rather than go back to the store to see for himself, Dusty comes up with a way to get a photo of Eliza to show Bonnie. Oh for the love of Drumstick...

2:55PM EDT: Bonnie and Dusty ask Officer Friendly to help get a photo of Eliza from Oakdale PD for them and he whines that he's off-duty. Ha!

Back at the Lily Pad, Luke and Noah are settling in and Luke asks Noah how many memorial services he's been to, and Noah says hundreds, growing up on military bases. Luke suggests making his film about being an army brat, and his relationship with his father. Noah isn't keen on making a tribute to the guy who tried to kill his boyfriend with a Toaster Strudel, and thinks it might be too intense. Luke says "all the better!" Luke says that he's interested in everything about Noah, and that others will, too. They both realize that they have the house to themselves, and Luke kisses Noah and leads him off to ... the bedroom? Dungeon? Foam room? You decide.

And Clarice and Mr. Clarice argue about the relative merits of keeping Riley around, until she starts listening to Adam's mix CD, which is pretty awful. Sorry - I mean, moving. (Moving my stomach, that is!)

And Butters and Ali get it on in an examination room. Kinky!

Clarice calls for Tom but Riley, who has taken off his jacket in an effort to seduce us, answers. He pours himself some milk and she gives him a cookie. No, those aren't euphemisms. Suddenly Clarice just starts crying again out of nowhere, and she asks him to live with them. He doesn't answer her but says that means a lot.

Dusty and Bonnie are standing right in front of a store called Things We Like. Oh, I get it: Irony! Officer Friendly gives them the picture of Eliza and Bonnie recognizes her as the baby who was in the empty carseat.

Preview Time!: No Nuke, but Quaker Oats Lady falls over drunk and Miss Depesto returns!