Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Eliza and the Do-Littles

To be honest, Luke and Noah probably won't have much to do in today's episode other than check the Oakdale dingo preserve for baby booties, but since we haven't seen much of the boys in the past week I figured I'd strap on the liveblog suit and give this puppy a go anyway. 

Today Nuke are dragged out of their West Elm-accessorized gay sex dungeon (we can imagine, anyway) to aid in the search for Baby Eliza, who was last seen crawling in the direction of her agent's office to demand fewer scenes with Paul's Shakespeare-in-the-Park hair/goatee combo.

Will the boys be the key to Eliza's salvation? To find out, follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates! 

"Move your bloomin' arse!!"

2:07PM EDT: We start off in the Lily Pad, where Meg is huffing a frilly pink bib. I'm hoping it's Eliza's.

Over at Worldwide, Luke has found out that they can postpone the Luke Snyder Booze Cruise for Sick Kids Who Don't Read Good without taking a financial hit. He shares the good news with Noah, who instantly reveals that he has been watching too many Bourne Identity movies, and working out his upper body a lot lately. MammaMiaDassaSpicyBiodad, meanwhile, stands off to the side either mentally making grocery lists or regretting not stopping Paul when he had the chance. Don't forget fresh basil!

Meanwhile, Craig is trying to get Bride of Cuervo to attend an AA meeting and wants to go with her. Um ... what was that second A for, again?

At the farm, Matthew Perry 2.0 and Dammit! drink coffee out of Pennsylvania Dutch mugs and talk about Parker and French toast. 

Craig drags BofC off to rehab (she says noooo, noooo, no!) and Parker comes downstairs and find Craig's wallet, which he promptly relieves of its contents. 

2:18PM EDT: Dammit! tells MP2.0 that Craig has changed, and he's gonna help Bride of Cuervo get her act together and take it on the road (with no DUI this time). Cutesy cutesy blah blah blah.

Craig literally drags the Bride to the door of the meeting but she still doesn't want to go in, because she doesn't think she's an alcoholic and doesn't want to have to embarrass herself in front of "a bunch of drunks".

Luke can't figure out why Spicy Biodad is so hung up on missing baby Eliza, and he says that Luke's family is his family now. Luke tells him that he appreciates his efforts but that maybe he should dial it down a bit. Noah makes his pecs dance and says that it's always two steps forward, one step back between Damian and Luke. Shoot - one more step back and MC Skat Cat could help!

Noah thinks that using the Internet to find Eliza might help, and literally gives Damian a lecture on "viral videos". Wow. Welcome to 2004, Damian! We have much to teach you.

Meanwhile, the Bride tries to escape the meeting but a Handsome Lush tries to chat her up on the way out. "Atta girl!" And Parker and Craig get into a spat and Craig notices his wallet is missing. Parker tells him to call the cops.

Oh, and over at Java, Bride of Cuervo is pouring booze into her skinny chai when Parker teleports into the room and catches her. Ouch! 

2:27PM EDT: Dammit! says "tilapia crepes" and I throw up a little in my mouth. But the random geeky customer who ate them thought they were delicious, and offers her a free trip to Florida. Uh ... whah?

At the Pad, Noah pitches his viral video idea to Lily, Meg and Luke. He thinks Meg asking Paul directly to bring home the baby will be the biggest Internet sensation since Dramatic Prairie Dog. Dun-Dun-Dunnnnnnnn!

Craig finds his (empty) wallet under the couch, and Bride of Cuervo inhales some breath spray before coming in. She lies about going to the meeting, which is full of "broke and depressed" people. Parker comes home and Craig accuses him of stealing $300, which Parker has spent on electronics. But Parker basically blackmails his mom into copping to taking the money, lest he spill the vodka about her spiked chai. Clever little bitch!

2:37PMEDT: Bride of Cuervo is all, "ohhhhh yeah I did take the $300, sorry." Craig calls her out on playing "the Texas two-step" on him with Parker, and has the best line of the episode when he says that the two of them should work down at the airport. Ha! He tells her he now knows why her little brat is such a bad liar and storms out.

Oh, and MP2.0 can't go on vacation with his sister's baby being missing and all. Oh, and his ex-wife slowly becoming the missing Kennedy cousin. Buzzkill! Then he suddenly changes his mind. Fickle pickle! Dammit! has visions of fish pancakes dancing in her eyes.

OMG this is hot - Luke is setting up the viral video shoot around this ghastly Laura Ashley baby cradle while Spicy Biodad is putting the moves on Meg. And Craig confronts MP2.0 in Olde Towne about Parker being a thieving little shit with a boozebag for a mom. Um ... tell him something he don't know?

2:47PM EDT: Noah calls action on the video, aka Every Soap Actress's Wet Dream, and Meg launches her dewy-eyed appeal directly to camera. HOT! HOTHOTHOTHAAAAAAAWWWWWWT! This is the best 4th-wall-shattering testimonial I've seen since Lindsay Wagner urged me to get a Sleep Number Bed.

And thus ends the viral brilliance. Play us out, Keyboard Cat!

Parker tells the Bride that Craig just wants into her rum-soaked panties. HA! MP2.0 storms in and demands that Parker empty his pockets and takes the cash that he pulls out. Parker knocks a dish full of tiny airline bottles of SKYY vodka off his mom's desk and storms out. But then MP2.0 calls him back down again and tells him he's taking him away from the Bride for good. Oof! He knocks over the second bowl of tiny SKYY bottles that she had hidden on the credenza and storms out, taking Parker with him. 

2:55PM EDT: MammaMiaSpicyBiodad is putting the moves on Meg when Noah calls to tell him that the video is online. OMG! They actually show it - it's on "USTube" and it IS BEGGING TO BE MADE INTO A REAL VIDEO. Noah has cut still pics of Meg and Paul holding the baby into the video and seriously, "Please Brind Eliza Ryan Home" is BEGGING to be the new RickRoll!

Suddenly, we cut to Miss Dipesto from Moonlighting in a bakery, watching the video. I bet she's on Twitter, too! Kids these days and their newfangled toys...

Meanwhile, The Bride crashes Craig's lunch meeting to tell him to stay out of her life. Then we get a PSA from Carly about AA.org, which is nice of them.

Preview Time!: No more Nuke this week, but if Miss Dipesto is back, so am I!!!