That's right, folks, we're back to freak out publicly about the breaking twists and turns on what promises to be a hum-dinger of a Friday cliffhanger on As the World Turns, home to daytime television's Alpha Gay Teen Couple, Luke and Noah.

When we last left the adorable duo, they were setting the table and trying to avoid the 500-yard laser stare of Noah's dad Captain Pervy, the best sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot this side of 9 to 5. We hear today will be the day when Perv's gay loathing is pushed to the limit, leading him to unleash homophobic middle-aged heck on our tight teen twosome.

Will the two boys ever get a moment of peace? Will Luke get the table set before the salad course? And will Dusty ever get out of that junkyard? These questions and more will be answered after the jump -- click on through to join the party, and refresh for breaking updates. Enjoy!

And away we go...

2:58PM EDT: What's with this body lotion commercial where the woman uses the last of her cream and throws the bottle out the window, only to have it boomerang back because the lotion goes farther? What kind of idiot is this woman?! Next time she should throw a piano out the window and see how it feels when THAT comes flying back in at her...

Okay, full-on sex scene with the Ice Truck Killer and Jordana Brewster-Snyder. Why is it that they keep cutting from important Nuke scenes to straight people balling? Eew!

Lily explains to Luke's Dad what Dusty said and she admits to her having heard that the new gaysitter might be a homicidal killer. Luke's Dad freaks.

Luke is enjoying gathering firewood by himself.

Captain Pervy arrives and pulls out the rifle, and sets the sight on Luke.

Preview Time!: HOTTTTTTT!

Luke's Dad tries to tackle Captain Pervy, Pervs throws him off!

Pervs aims and fires at something off-screen, and behind him, Lily screams as though HE has rubbed HIS heiney on her carpet.

Foot Fetish Alert: A disembodied close-up of what is apparently Luke's bare foot sticking out from beneath a hospital bedsheet.

Luke in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of his nose, moaning, "Why can't I move my legs?!"

Luke's Dad punches out Dusty as Lily stumbles into the room, shocked!

Oh wow -- this is gonna be fabulous. It's kind of annoying that so much happened in the first five minutes and then we basically spent the rest of the episode underwater, but the image of Luke happily gathering kindling looking like he's about to burst into a chorus of "Oh What a Beautiful Morning!" while Cap'n takes aim is pretty hilarious.

We'll be back next week with the next chapter!

2:47PM EDT: There's abortion talk. Awkward!

Pervs opts not to shoot look right now, and asks Luke to get some firewood up a hill, across a rope bridge, across a crumbling stone ledge, and atop a burning pile of tires. Luke happily agrees. Noah has a brief one-on-one moment with his dad and apologizes not understanding his father. He says he's happy of who he is and says he loves his dad, and hugs him. Pervs hugs him back and gets real emotional. It's not pretty.

Lily's still freaking out and screaming over Dusty instead of, I don't know, calling an ambulance? Note to Luke: if your mom's your emergency contact ... I'd suggest changing that.

Noah apologizes for upsetting the Cap'n, who says "I've always had your best interests at heart" for the 957th time and talks about the "greater good" again. He sends Noah to get a tacklebox and says, "Noah, never forget I love you"... then after Noah leaves, "You'll never know how much." He gets the rifle again from behind the tree.

2:40PM EDT: Anyone wanna make a bet on the final shot? Luke's arm sticking out of a bush? Captain Pervy's grinning rictus?

2:38PM EDT: Blah blah diner blah blah wallpaper blah Ice Truck killer blah blah...

Maddie explains to Luke's Dad why she's getting bad vibes from Captain Pervy. She says the last thing the Cappy said to her was that "he wasn't going to lose his son"... (Cue concerned look from Luke's Dad)

Lily gets "Colonel Mayer" out of Dusty before he blacks out

Luke and Noah have an intimate moment by the tent (no kiss, tho) and discuss getting frisky down by the lake later. Pervs watches on as only Pervs can...

2:31PM EDT: More Ice Truck Killer, and then Lily with Detective Clarice Starling drama. At one point Lily glances at Clarice's coffee cup like she's afraid she's going to throw it at her. She takes off.

Luke's Dad is dropping some kid off at a sleepover, apparently at the Bait Shack, as it's exactly where Luke and Noah just were. And Maddie has nothing to do with herself anymore, because she' just milling around and runs into him. She tells him that she's worried about Luke and Noah.

Back on Backpack Mountain, Pervs gets "a rock in his boot" and sends Luke and Noah ahead to the tent (did he just send them away a minute ago?). He goes and gets the rifle and caresses it like a lover. Eeeewww.

Lily's about to go in the house, and Dusty stumbles out of the bushes and falls to the ground. Lily screams, "Dusty! DUSTY!" in EXACTLY the same voice that the woman screams "TOBY!" at the butt-dragging dog in that awesome Stanley Steamer commercial. Settle down, Lily -- it's not like Dusty dragged his heinie on your deep-pile.

2:21PM EDT: Okay, I'm caught up now. I realize I missed the whole My Dinner with Pervy scene over the last few days and we're already on to the good part. The lady that Pervs left on the floor was Jordana Brewster-Snyder, and the Ice Truck Killer just woke her up and is tending to her wounds.

Back with Luke and Maddie, he asks why her Pervie Senses are tingling and she assures him it's not jealousy but suspicions about Noah's dad: "Is evil too strong of a word?" She throws in that she might be predisposed against camping trips because last time she pitched a tent she was stalked by her psycho sister. Boy -- I had no idea she grew up in a slasher from 1981. Noah comes back, thrilled to have his worms. No, that's not a euphemism.

Lily and Luke's Dad are arguing, and in an instant Lily has teleported to the police station. It's really quite jarring. Blah blah Dusty blah blah.

Luke's Dad is offering Captain Pervy money for the trip (save it for the hospital bills!) and Luke and Noah show up. Luke's Dad: "Watch your backs, it's hunting season!" Pervs: "You know, that's true -- you never can be too careful ... (Mwuahahahahahaha!)"

An instant later, Pervs and Nuke are "out of town" in the woods, and Pervs sends Luke and Noah ahead on the trail to 'look at something'. He looks over at the gun that he hid earlier, and we jump to commercial.

Dun-dun-dunnnnn! Lord, is it just me or are they running through this like Elizabeth Taylor through husbands?

2:09PM EDT: Uh-oh! Captain Pervy just left someone motionless on the floor and took their hunting rifle (this is SO Match Point!). I guess I should have watched yesterday to know who that was! I'll figure it out though.

Then we jump to The Diner That Is Totally NOT Henry's Diner and get some pregnant people stuff. Yawn.

Back to Captain Pervy skulking around in the woods with the rifle, which he then hides behind a tree.

Meanwhile, Luke and Noah are shopping for fishing gear like all good teen homosexuals. Noah says that he's always looked forward to fishing with his dad, and Luke says they'll have time to be alone together later. Noah says he can't believe they're all getting along so well together. They're about to kiss when Maddie shows up out of nowhere. Noah says, "can you believe I forgot to pick up beard -- I mean, bait?" and leaves, and Luke tells Maddie that Captain Pervy is taking them fishing.

In fine Overbearing Murderous Homophobic Pervert Whisperer form, Maddie intones ominously, "Don't do it, Luke! Please, don't go!"

Back at Chez Snyder, Luke's Dad and Lily the Hausfrau Hooker are chatting and pops lets slip that Nuke is back together. Lily is understandably upset and she flashed back to things that remind her how dangerous Pervs might really be...

Back to Noah, coming out of the Beard Shack with worms. Pervs calls him and tells him that they should get an early start because of the weather.

Back at Chez Snyder (for God's sake, I'm getting vertigo from all this), Luke's Dad tells Lily that the unlikely threesome are going fishing out-of-town, and Lily looks understandably quite concerned.

And.... breathe!

1:58PM EDT: Okay, I'm trying really hard not to tumble down the soap opera slippery slope, but I just caught a fabulous girl-on-girl hottub fight on Bold and the Beautiful. Given Nuke's history with towel-related incidents, can we hope that they'll be getting bubbly in the future?

Regardless, anyone have any ideas what's gonna happen today?