Liveblogging As the World Turns: Ghost of Gay Teenagers Past edition

Confession time: I'm bummed about the Mistletoe that Stole Gay Christmas incident from yesterday's episode.

I'm with Michael in that I feel that we should maintain perspective on the situation as a whole, but the tilt away from the boys' Christmas kiss more than anything just made me a bit sad. I was originally intending to dress up in fine toggery to celebrate the fact that today's episode will feature the guys in something other than jeans and long-sleeved t-shirts, but I lost the spirit after yesterday's deflating episode.

Fortunately, my cat Humbert Humbert is still fired up, and he put on his Sunday best for today's show:

So what will today's feverdream of an episode mean for Luke and Noah? Well, nothing, technically. But as the show promises to explore their relationship through a magical dollhouse, I don't see how we could pass this up. And here we thought this kind of crazy was lost when they canceled Passions...

Click on through the jump and refresh often for the tuxedoed, old-timey updates! 

Bah, Humbug!

2:56PM EDT: We see everyone gathered in the dining room for the big party, and Luke and Noah are right in the middle (the shot starts out of the two of them and pulls out to reveal everyone else. There's a big table of puddings and cakes that actually looks rather appetizing. We cut back to Parsley looking at the dollhouse and she says it's magic, and what do you know, Quaker Oats Lady turns and winks at her. 

God help us, every one. 

2:50PM EDT: The Two Mrs. Kardashians have matching hair in the past, too! Someone just used the word "harridan". And "scullery maid". Almost enough to make the babymomma drama more interesting in 1907 than it is in 2007.

Almost. 

2:43PM EDT: Some drunk old lady accuses QOL of stealing her necklace but General Foods International Coffees Cafe Vienna, who is a spinster in this universe (although Henry the Bobby of course pines for her) finds it.

Back in Oakdale Now, The Girl Who Reminds Me of Haley Joel Osment and her ne'er-do-babydaddy come across the dollhouse. This could be fun. 

Oh by the way, I don't think we're getting any more Luciano or Mayer today. I'm just doing this out of habit at this point. And does all of this remind anyone of this?:

2:39PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady has shown up in a Stevie Nicks Collection blouse and wig with her 14 dirty children, and only Austin From Days -- who is a reverend!! (insert Catholic upbringing/Austin Peck slashfic HERE) -- is willing to let them in for food and warmth. They make a big deal out of the fact that she is a divorcee (Gasp! "In this house?!"). That's right, folks, we're here all week. Try the chicken, and tip your waitress.

Oh heck. Henry is of course in full effect, with a hilarious little handlebar moustache and an Irish brogue. He's a bobby! In ... Oakdale? Okay, I'm a little confused. Did he at least bring pepperkakor? 

2:30PM EDT: For some reason the people in this storyline aren't acting as bizarrely as those at Snyder Manor. But how in the eff did anyone act with Vitalis Man without breaking into hysterics over that moustache?!

Detective Clarice Starling, in the guise of a maid, delivers a secret note to the Ice Truck Killer with an Irish brogue. "If I had a fine white horse..." 

RoseAnne HecheKowski turns back into a doll! HOT! Back in the town square, Quaker Oats Lady's herb-named little girl (what is it? Parsley or something?) notices a doll standing outside the house that looks sad. We go into the dollhouse again and it is of course QOL herself, mooning at Matthew Perry 2.0, who is inside, dressed in military finery. 

2:21PM EDT: RoseAnne HecheKowski comes across the dollhouse in modern day, and suddenly we're back in crazy-land, where she is an ailing governess with hair like Bernadette Peters. Meg is her nurse and OH MY EFFING LORD!

Vitalis Man looks like a cross between Hitler and Buster Keaton! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!! 

2:18PM EDT: Oh my heck! Holden and Lily just locked paws, looked off into the distance, and turned into dolls!! Where is Timmy when you need him?!

2:17PM EDT: Alright, I have to admit that everything looks pretty amazing, from the costumes to the sets to the makeup, although Dusty looks a bit whorish with all that rouge. The hilarious acting is pretty funny, as is the fact that only Holden seems to not be styled in a period sense at all. 

2:12PM EDT: Okay. So we open on Lily and Dusty sitting on a settee with the girls playing on the floor in front of them. The ladies look like they're wearing human-sized Marie Osmond Doll outfits and Dusty looks ... well, he actually looks totally hot. Everyone starts speaking in these starched voices that call to mind the acting troupe in Waiting for Guffman. Anyway, apparently in this story Lily's husband has died and Dusty wants to announce their engagement. Suddenly we hear a bunch of dropped firewood and cut to a stinky-faced Holden standing in the doorway wearing what looks like a J Crew leather jacket and Oxford. What, did he not get the memo?

Holden is the stable-boy or whatever and he tries to talk Lily into not marrying Mister Donovan. He almost kisses her and suddenly Bonnie shows up. She makes a quip about how she's only still married because "divorce is frowned upon". Ha! Get it? She's a DIVORCE LAWYER. Lily reveals that Holden is indeed the stableboy (this is so Harlequin Romance soft-core porn).

In the kitchen a bunch of extras from Gosford Park are getting al scullery and make reference to "young master Luke" being all growed up, which sounds a bit Ben Kenobi to me.

In the rather opulent dining room, we find Luke in a tux. "Mayer" arrives and he and Luke hug. He introduces him as a friend from University to Donovan, and Mayer inquires as to whether he is one of the New York Donovans (insert Mayer/Donovan old-timey slashfic HERE). Noah tries to kiss Luke (or "Luciano", as he calls him) and Luke dodges, saying "not here" ... meaning, of course, not while the camera is pointing at them.

Noah reveals that he is engaged to a daughter of a family friend, which of course doesn't thrill our young Jedi. They toast to marriage. I'm half-tempted to start drinking myself at this point.

2:02PM EDT: Our first image is an old-timey dressed foursome of carolers singing about "the glory of the Lord". A present-day Lady Drumstick, Little Miss Stormcloud and the other kid admire a Victorian dollhouse in a window and wish that it would come to life.

Oh. My. God.

I ... I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. 

1:59PM EDT: Okay, they just had a little preview of today's show and already it's white hot because half of the actors have adopted Madonna-like, vaguely affected accents. Yesssss!