Yes, today's a big day for Luke and Noah, because Holden is moving out of the farm! Wait ... sorry, did I say "big day" for our beloved gay couple? I meant "non event". Yes, Luke is back to play sounding board to his parents' marital woes yet again (he popped up yesterday to do the same thing), which by today have apparently escalated to the point where Holden says, "No more grievin', I'm leavin'!"

Aside from worrying that this will cut down significantly on the chances of seeing Holden in his post-shower towel-swathed glory, the only thing that this development really means is that there's one less reason for Luke and Noah to get down and dirty at the farm.

Actually, before we get started, make sure to check out the newer, gayer ATWT bumper I posted in this week's BGWE column. Watch ... Repeat ... Discuss.

As for today, click on through the jump and refresh often to follow the action, as it happens!

We are family... 

2:55PM EDT: Allison asks Emily how they got the disease, and she tells her they were poisoned, and she asks who hates her that much. Um ... who doesn't?

Butters is awake again and he wants to see Emily, so they drag her in. They undo his restraints and she collapses on his hospital bed in her gown. This is as romantic as a nursing home key party.

Holden booty-calls Quaker Oats Lady and she hangs up on him. Meanwhile, the hospital has been quarantined. Hot!

Detective Clarice Starling figures out that Decker is killing everyone. Oakdale's finest! Meanwhile, Decker is bribing Mrs. Kardashian to help him escape in return for the antidote.

Preview Time!: No Nuke. Surprise! 

2:49PM EDT: Lily and Quaker Oats Lady have a bad-wife-and-mother-off and QAL finally pushes Lily over the edge and she very nearly throws her out by her hair.

Ooooh Butters looks cute all feverish and restrained! He has a mini spaz attack and blacks out again.

Whoever this Rick Decker guy is, he's apparently been taking Speak Like Kelsey Grammer correspondence courses in prison.

2:41PM EDT: Emily just said "The perfume made me crazy!" Considering it was called "Sweet Vengeance", she's lucky it didn't turn her into Ms. 45. 

Over at the Lily Pad, Luke answers the door and it's Quaker Oats Lady. He's all, "we didn't order any whores" and she's all, "it's not delivery, it's Digiorno". He leaves and when QAL tries to convince Gilded Lily that she and Holden are over, she replies with the best "Liar!" since Jan Hooks tried to use club soda to get that wine out of the carpeting in the Compulsion by Calvin Kleen commercial.

QAL calls GL the "biggest hypocrite she has ever known." Ain't that the whore calling the whore "whore"!

2:32PM EDT: Oop! Pull up to the bumper!

2:30PM EDT: Okay, some guy who looks like a Maytag repairman calls Mrs. Kardashian from a pay phone and says that he's Rick Decker. Okay, here's where I almost wish I knew more about the show than I do, because I have no idea who he is. But apparently he's the poisoner?

2:28PM EDT: Meg tries to strangle the Ice Truck Killer with her restraint but falls apart in tears before she has a chance. It's okay, honey. It's driving us crazy, too. She starts chewing her nails and curls up in a ball. Someone cue "Come to My Window".

Oop! She just pulled a grade-A escape by pushing over ITK and upsetting a tray of hospital food. Run free, crazy lady!

Back at the Lily Pad, Gilded Lily basically tells Luke to butt out. Wait, what is that on his shirt? Is it a slug? A banana? Oh, sorry - they're still talking.

Meanwhile, Holden calls the hotel to book a room "for a while" ... wait, this isn't his wife's hotel, is it? Maybe not the best idea. And Gramma Emma pays a visit to Quaker Oats Lady and asks her to go to Lily and explain that her oatmeal is cold for Holden now. She begs, even.

Meanwhile, Dr. Hotprechaun gets all House and explains to Not-As-Dashing how the toxin is passed, and notes that Butters and Emily may have passed it to one another by having sex. Well at least Luke and Noah are safe, then! Please tell me this is going to get all 28 Days Later soon and they'll have to dispatch Meg with a machete.

Leave me alone, Meg!!!

2:17PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady defends Gilded Lily's reaction to Holden, who says that when he thinks about what this is doing to Luke and the girls it breaks his heart.

Gilded Lily gets home to the Lily Pad and Luke is there on her chaise waiting to hear the good news that his folks are getting back together. Psych!

Over at the hospital, Hotprechaun is alternately out cold and furious. His mom takes his clothes away from him (atta girl!) and when she drops his watch the truth comes out that she didn't buy it for him ... and they don't know who did. Meanwhile, Mrs. Kardashian points out that she lent Meg a necklace. She's talking to Ice Truck Killer when Sophie the Mealy Ghost appears again and tries to get her to bludgeon him with the IV stand.

Okay, what's up with the generic thrash metal that they're playing over all of Meg's scenes? This isn't the X-Games, people!

2:08PM EDT: Is it just me, or is that Secret commercial girl who walks around terrorizing people with her armpits just lke every crazy ex-girlfriend your roommate had in college?

Cheryl Ladd has heartburn?!?! Somebody start a charity!! And the fact that she has to follow an animated flame who talks like a Staten Island plumber really isn't very glamourous, is it?

Oh, and Hotprechaun figured out that they're all being poisoned. Atta boy!

2:05PM EDT: Gilded Lily storms in on Holden and Quaker Oats Lady at the farm and says she never should have agreed to postpone the divorce. Meanwhile, Meg is getting all Girl, Interrupted as she's tied to a bed after trying to shoot Ice Truck Killer. Sophie's ghost appears to her again and tells her to finish what she started.

Meanwhile, Butters and Hotprechaun are in a room together, as both are suffering from the Drakkar Noir Virus or whatever the hell it is. Gentlemen, start your spongebath slashfic.