Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Hop on Pop

Oh mymymymymy ... so we left our freshly-deflowered gay hero in the insidious clutches of his randy evil cousin, who was determined to recruit the Li'l Grimaldi Swim Team for her own procreative purposes.

Today we'll learn that issues of paternity and fatherhood aren't confined to Luke's lap, as Damian's role in Zee whole Twin situation is called into question. Will Papa Malteaser go down with Zac and Zoe?

To find out as it happens, follow along below, refreshing for up-to-the-minute updates!

Oh, father...

2:08PM EDT: And we hit the ground running ... with Bride of Cuervo, Matthew Perry 2.0 and the Curse of the Divorced Teen. Blah blah. Well, at least the whole daddy issue thing is consistent ... and on cue, Parker meets Craig at the hotel bar to tell him he spent the check on a fancy car. What exactly are the chances of our actually seeing the car?

Back to the Bride and 2.0 ... come ON people, we have gay boys getting lapdances from their cousins while their boyfriends bleed to death behind them to attend to! 

Over at the Lily Pad, Lily is distraught over what Zac did to her impatiens ... oh, sorry - to the dead cop who was lying IN her impatiens.

Over at the biggest storage locker in the Midwest, Zac still has a bronzed Damian under the gun in the hallway, and he tells him that Zoe is busy finishing the job Damian started when he sent his son to straight camp. Meanwhile, Zoe rubs her face on Luke again, and he insists that he's not going to get her pregnant. More horse-fart face ... and she calls him "good little baby-making boy"! She also says that when she pops out the little Grimaldi heir she expects Luke to raise it. Not exactly a cheap date, is she?

OMG - she goes to untie him and a leg wraps around her neck - it's too dark to tell whose it is, but when Damian rushes in we see that Oakdale Indian-wrestling champ Noah has come to and is about to crack her head like a walnut between his thighs. HOT! 

2:10PM EDT: OH CRAP! Mayor Bloomberg is interrupting this hotness for a Swine Flu Outbreak update?! NO!!! And he's doing it in Spanish. Okay, I think that acid I took back in 1994 just kicked in.... 

2:11PM EDT: [Dennis now filling in for Brian] Well, apparently where I live nobody cares about swine flu because my local CBS affiliate is running the big kidnapping climax....

2:13PM EDT: Which lasts all of about 1 minute? WTF? Geez, Noah wraps his legs around Zoey's neck in a scissor lock. She screams and Zac rushes in with the gun. He and Damian wreslte for like 2 seconds and he gets the gun away.

2:14pm EDT: Cut to Oakdale Memorial Hospital with Luke sporting some strawberry toaster strudel and Noah recovering from his gunshot wound. Wow, I haven't seen a climax this quick since, well, I was seventeen.  Oh Brian, where are you? The hay you could make with this stuff!

2:16pm EDT: Detective Clarice is badgering Damian to come down to the station. Turns out the Zee twins, now in police custody, are claiming he put them up to the kidnapping. Does Detective Clarice believe every story anyone ever peddles her? In any criminal sitch you can be sure she'll badger the innocent and let the perps walk free. Why isn't this woman on Reno 911? Hey. maybe they can work out an exchange program and Deputy Trudy Weigel can come to Oakdale!

2:20pm EDT: Oh, I got so carried away with my fantasy of having Reno 911's Weigel relocate to Oakdale that I almost missed Damian bursting into the police interrogation room to rough up Zac and Zoey for fingering him. Detective Clarice gets all butchy and pulls him off.

2:23 EDT: Quick cut to the hospital where Luke and Noah with matching toaster strudel patches are having a heart to heart. Luke thanks Noah for saving his life. Says Noah: "Oh I didn't do that for you! I just couldn't stand to see that psycho slut with her hands all over my boyfriend!"

Ooh, Noah's getting all territorial. Maybe when he gets out of the hospital he can go key Zoey's car.

2:34 EDT: Back at the hospital Holden refuses to go get evidence from Lily which would exonerate Damian. Oh Holden, you're better than that. 

Hey, I'm back! Thanks, D - you're a lifesaver... 

Luke insists that Damian wasn't involved, but Holden ain't having it. Neither is Detective Clarice Starling, who's giving Damian the third degree. Luke busts in and tells her that he spent days with Zee Twins, and he's convinced that they were working alone, and not for Damian. 

Whoa - is that a cardboard cutout of Damian standing in the questioning room? Or is it the ghost of the dead kid from Three Men and a Baby? Creepy!! 

2:37PM EDT: Meanwhile, Bride of Cuervo isn't letting Parker butter her up with a ride in his fancy new car, MP2.0 ID's a dead shipping guy in a bodybag, and Bride confronts Craig, who gives her a check ... she's curious as to what it's for, as most of her clients pay cash? 

2:47PM EDT: More Oakdale PD drama ... can we go candystripe for Noah, please? I have some walnuts I need cracking.

Holden asks Damian to leave Oakdale, because his very presence endangers his family. Okay, he has a point. He tells Clarice he'll be leaving town.

Over at the hospital, Luke and Noah discuss just how nutty Zee Twins were and Noah says that Damian must be happy that Luke stood up for him, and Luke admits that he didn't, really. Luke gives Noah a crooked smile and Noah tells him he should really get to know Damian before he writes him off. 

Holden tells Luke and Lily that he told Damian to make himself scarce, and they're both like ... eh, okay. Holden heads off, happy as a clam, and Luke asks Lily if she thinks that Damian should really be leaving, and she says it's probably for the best. 

OMG, this dead vodka shipper has been tucking uzis under Bride of Cuervo's daily delivery. And wait, isn't that cop Luke's old escort? Or the dead one in the garden? If so, he's looking good! 

2:56PM EDT: Damian apologizes to Lily for putting her and Luke in danger, and says he understands why Holden and Luke didn't fall prey to his Malteasery charms. She says Luke will forgive him someday and Damian says he's proud of their son. He kisses her hand, and she looks at it as though she's either going to lick it or cut it off.

Damian goes back to his room and the door is open ... and Luke is inside. Luke has a really touching moment where he tells Damian that he doesn't really know him and he's not ready for him to leave is life. Damian says he'll stay in Oakdale as long as needed. Luke says he has to get back to Noah and Damian says that Noah is a "very lucky boy," and Luke says "so am I!" 

Holden tells Lily that Gramma Emma is making some pies for Noah and Lily says that she stopped by to have her hand licked by Damian and he says he's fine with that, as long as Damian's gone.

Oh and MP2.0 takes both Craig and Bride of Cuervo in for questioning. Let me guess: the uzi was monogrammed with her initials?

Preview Time!: A hilarious uzi moment but no Nuke. But we'll be back on Thursday!