Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Indecent Proposal

Okay, so maybe the fairer Zee isn't going to ask our dear, tousled Alpha Gay to marry her ... but we have reason to believe that she's got more than a familial interest in Luciano's little Grimaldi!

Yes, today we reach the climax (cough!) of Zee Evil Twin saga, as Luke and Noah's captors do the unthinkable. Well, maybe not unthinkable, but at least ... unladylike? Anyway, it should be a hot mess. And we also have reason to believe that the Nuke kidnapping story will be pretty much the only storyline featured today, meaning that I likely won't make it to the previews alive. (If you hear two sharp SNAPs at any point, that's the sound of my poor, limp wrists giving out under the strain.)

Find out how all this nutsiness goes down by following along below, refreshing for up-to-the-minute updates!

Here we go again...

1:56PM EDT: Okay, just catching up on The Bold and the Botoxed ... Did anyone else find it ironic that Ridge suggested renting Attack of the Mutant Zombie Women when Taylor was standing RIGHT THERE?  

2:07: Holden tells Jade that they are trying to keep the kidnapping quiet ... by telling her. Smart move! She runs off to see if anyone can place the girl whose mother Lily was pretending to be last week. Meanwhile, Damian has found time to et a haircut, from the looks of it, and he is wiling away his spare hours photoshopping pictures of Zoe. What a loser! Oh ... um ... never mind.

Meanwhile, Zac brings Zoe food and she snaps at him, and then they make out anyway. And Damian calls Lily to tell her that he's used his "age enhancement" filter on a picture of Anna Mammamiadassaspicymeatball, and of course she now looks just like Zoe. 

Meanwhile, Noah is out cold and Luke yells at Zoe that even if she gets the money she won't be able to spend it if she kills him, because the Grimaldis will kick her goth ass. He pleads with her to take Noah to a hospital, and Zoe says something vague about how Luke's mom is ruining everything. The vagueness is fine, because she's probably right, regardless.

Meanwhile Lily tells Lady D that Margo has things covered, and that she says the kidnappers are "amateurs". Pot, kettle, Margo.

Lily gets off the phone and hears a "thud" outside. Huh? Think that the UPS guy just dropped off an unconscious gay son-in-boyfriend?

2:15PM EDT: Oh, duh - somebody probably just knocked out Officer Hotpants, or whoever it is is watching Lily. Sure enough, it's Zac, who also tramples all over her impatiens. Ass-face!!

Luke continues to plead with Zoe, who thinks that Noah deserves to die for breaking her mom's picture frame. Uh, do they not have Pottery Barns in Crazyville? Not too hard to replace.

Meanwhile, Jade recruits Butters to help with the rescue. Okay, this is just so crazy it might work. They hug, and cue Alli. Over at the hotel, Holden goes to check out Damian's age-enhanced picture of Anna, and of course Holden didn't see her so he can't identify her. They get into another slapfight, waah waaah. Back at the Lily Pad, Lily is holding a picture of Luke and Noah, touching it and crying. Zac knocks on the door, pretending to be a cop. He says that he's supposed to take Lily down to see Margo ... and of course Lily goes with him without asking for any ID or anything ... and she doesn't even notice that her impatiens have been trampled! Boy she really IS distracted... 

2:25PM EDT: Alli's all, "Butters, I hope you are better at rescuing the gays than you were at rescuing me!" Churrch...

Damian has agreed to email the photo to Lily back home and he suggests that he's gonna sic the Grimaldi goons on Zoe.

Noah wakes up and he's all, "I can't move!" and Luke's all, "you're tied up, silly!" Aww. Noah hurts and he's burning up. Luke's tells him he has a fever from his gunshot but that Zoe is going to get him medicine. Noah: "She's got a thing for your dimples, not that I blame her!" "My dimples are gonna be yours, forever!" Luke tells Noah he loves him so much, and Noah goes back to sleep.

Oh, that's terrible! And isn't it kind of amazing that the whole town is turning over rocks to find these boys? Of course, Zoe shows up at the hospital to visit the 24-hour Oakdale General Drive-Through Drug Dispensary. Alli's all, "you're not a real nurse!" and Zoe misidentifies a female doctor as a man, but Alli shows her where the drugs are anyway. Uh ... I hope she's got a plan here.

Meanwhile, over at Worldwide Zac tells Lily to transfer all the foundation funds to an account number on a Post-it. Really, Zac? Maybe next time you can invest a little more in production design - sell it! Sure enough, Lily sees through his ruse and realizes that he's not a cop after all, but he stops her from escaping. 

2:37PM EDT: Aaaaand my hands just fell offdfiuhdfuasfabfweuf0

Memo to Zoe: Can you grab me something from the dispensary, too? And Fresca? Thanks, Loca!

Zac tries to make Lily do some online banking but she tries to answer a phonecall instead. He doesn't let her, and pulls a gun on her. She tells him to go ahead and shoot, but he can't get to the money without her. Over at Oakdale PD, Detective Clarice is all miffed that Damian isn't coming to her with intel and is using his mafioso connections instead. And it was Jade who tried to call Lily. Butters suggests checking out this "other" coffee shop across town rather than going to Java, which is ten feet away.

And Alli crashes Zoe's drug shopping spree to log her booty. She makes lame small-talk as she stalls her, but then Zoe grabs her and locks her in the closet. Waha!

Okay, who else is going to record Lily's outgoing voicemail message and use it as their own? And Holden realizes that she's missing. 

Oh Luke and Noah! Almost forgot about them. Luke tries to keep Noah awake by getting him to talk about a movie they just watched that was nothing but four hours of light on the Sears Tower. Um, maybe something a little more plot-driven would be better? Sure enough, Noah nods off, but Zoe comes back, complaining that she had "to lock this annoying nurse in the meds room." HA! I'm surprised Luke wasn't all, "Oh, you mean Alli?"

Zac lets Lily call Luke, and he tells her that they shot Noah. "Is he dead?" He tells her not to make a deal with them and Zoe pistol-whips him. Zac has Lily do the transfer, but instead she emails someone HELP OFFICE NOW before he has a chance to stop her. The hacker has been out-hacked!

2:48PM EDT: Ugh, I never thought I'd be relieved to see one of these 20-minute drug commercials. I need to ice my wrists... 

Zac is furious that Lily sent an email, and demands to know what it was ... um, ever heard of a SENT folder, super-hacker? Meanwhile, Damian gets Lily's text, and Alli's still trapped in the closet. Butters and Jade hear her pounding and they let her out.

Luke: "Don't hurt my mom and give my boyfriend his drugs!" Zoe: "Let's do each other's nails and talk about boys!" She tells Luke that she wants something from him that no one else can give her ... uh-oh!! 

OMG Zoe dropped a receipt for the storage locker in the hospital. HOT! And Lily is either stalling or she really is too stupid to do an online transfer. She finishes ... uh, let's take the benefit of the doubt off the table, shall we? Zac gets the confirmation number and runs off just as Holden runs in ... and instead of telling him that the bad guy just ran out the other door, she whines.

Damian notices Lily's trampled impatiens ... and the officer who's dead in the garden! And he's clothed, unfortunately. Jade, Alli and Butters show up and give him the receipt, and Alli identifies the "age-enhanced" photo and pendant.

Zoe plays maracas with the pills and Zac comes in to say that they've gotten the money. Yaaay! Er, Booo! Zac's all, "where'd this hillbilly heroin come from?" and Zoe tells him that there's something else she has to do before they go ... FOR MAMA! She sends Zac away and tells Luke that he might actually enjoy what she wants from him... uh, don't count on it! 

2:55PM EDT: Alli tells Butters that he did the right thing to call his mom and not run off with Damian. I really wish I could agree... they hug and Jade looks like she's gonna boot.

Luke says he'll do whatever she wants if Zoe gives Noah the medicine. She wants Justice. Uh ... it's a good album, but it's not worth a murder wrap! No, no - she wants her birthrights back ... by having Luke's firstborn. "If you want me to save your boyfriend, give me your baby." She's a regular Angelina Jolie, that one!

Damian is stopped by Zac ... and Luke tells Zoe that he can't get her pregnant. She tells her she's quite fertile and that she can make it happen ... and kisses him. His expression is as though a horse just farted in his face.

Preview Time! More Nukey goodness! We'll be back tomorrow to see how it plays out...