Liveblogging As the World Turns: Insert Clever Riff on Current Oakdale Events HERE Edition

You know what? I got nothin'. The Law of Diminishing Nuke Returns has kicked in, and I can't think of anything funny to say about what could or could not happen on today's episode, which will apparently feature a cameo from our favorite Hot Oakdale Gay Teens.

At this point they're given about as much to do as the Golden Girls' housekeeper, Coco, after the pilot episode (read: nothing), so I can't imagine that there's much to get excited about. They don't even appear in any o the spoilers for the week, so what can we guess? Will Noah's newfound coffee addiction lead to an unexpected dabbling in Arabica beans? Will Luke have to make Hot Pockets for his sisters and accidentally overheat them, causing them to burn the roofs of their precious little mouths?

THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME

Oh, despite having zero to do since - I don't know, September? - Nuke appeared in Entertainment Weekly's online list of 17 favorite soap supercouples alongside Bo & Hope ("Fancyface"!) from Days and other long-lasting unions. What do you think, too soon? Too little? (t/y Not_So_Witty for the tip!)

Anyway, click on through the jump for all the breaking shizz on these topics, killer puppets, pill-popping hausfrau hooker moms, and more! 

And here we go...

2:56PM EST: Preview Time! Um ... what do you expect. Sigh. This new plotline can't come soon enough! 

2:52PM EST: Creepy cowboy puppet! Yaaay! And he's dressed up like Dale Evans.

2:47PM EST: Lily and Holden sit down at the diner and Bonnie comes in and reads him for talking to the cops - meaning his own brother - without calling her first. Holden's all "Pop off!" and Bonnie's all "Pop off!" and she wins because hers is better.

Lady D and Ice Truck Killer are doing bodyshots at the hotel and Lady D sees Em enter, and she makes a hasty exit because she doesn't want to hear "another tale of woe". Ha! She's awesome. ITK and Em discuss setting up the Hotprechaun for the murder. Heeeeyyyyyyy - hands off my magically delicious soap stud!

2:40PM EST: Em gets all "Pop off!" in Lily's grill on the way out of the station, and Lily gets the look on her face that my cat gets when I move the food bowl. It's priceless.

Pre-Curse Edward Furlong and The Other One argue in the kitchen. Wonder where Luke and Noah are? Come to think of it, have they ever even been in the same room as these kids? 

The Other One tipped Kit (who looks a bit too I Love New York for my tastes in that Elmo-trim coat) off that Cowboy Sam was macking on Quaker Oats Lady, so Kit calls QOL on it. "Truth or dare, Carly?!" I'm so using that. 

2:27PM EST: Holden and Lily are at the police station and Lady Drumstick crashes through the front door in an emerald green trench and starts raising holy hell. Luke isn't with her, but moments later Emmerdale and ITK arrive, which pleases Lady D to no end. She and ITK head off to have some drinks - as Lady D puts it, "lots of drinks".

Lady D and ITK get sloshed at the hotel bar and discuss setting up Em, and MP2.0 interrogates her, but her day-player lawyer protects her. Booo-ring... 

2:19PM EST: Lily saw Emmerdale sneaking out of the Oakdale Hospital Self-Serve Drug Warehouse the night that Dusty was murdered. And Ice Truck Killer accuses Emmerdale point-blank of killing Dusty over a skinny latte. He makes a snarky comment about shooting a man in the back and rolling him off a cliff and she says she'll have to pick a higher cliff next time. SNAP!

Back at the restaurant, Luke asks Lady Drumstick if she thinks his mom actually killed Dusty and she says no way, that Holden's just protecting her. Neither of them think either of them killed Dusty, and Lady D says that's why they have to find out who the real killer is. This is so Nancy Drew!

Lady D says that his parents would give their lives for him and Luke says that he hopes it doesn't come to that. Har har. Then he adds, "I wish I could do more than babysit." Amen, sister.  

2:07PM EST: Drama with Quaker Oats Lady, Cowboy Sam and Kit. And Pre-Curse Edward Furlong gets all up in his brother's business. I actually mistook PC-EF for his brother last week, as the latter was the one who was stalked by the creepy-ass killer puppet. So he bashed Burgess Meredith's head in?

Emmerdale and Ice Truck Killer have a chat at the Central Perk. Is that a new set?

Oh - Luke and Lady Drumstick are out at a fancy restaurant. Luke: "I can't remember the last time we ate." Considering you live in the kitchen, I find that hard to believe. He clarifies, "as a family, I mean". Which is funny considering that while Luke has a full plate of food in front of him, Lady D is having a pair of drugstore sunglasses for lunch.

Lady D says that she's sorry that Noah couldn't make it, and Luke tells her to cut the crap, this is about his Dad. Lady D tosses out a greeting-card quote and Luke recognizes it from the Bible. See? Even sinners have song, Papa!

Luke puts it together that Holden took the fall because he thought that Lily was the killer. We cut back to the Snyder Farm, where Holden and Lily have already put all this together and tell Matthew Perry 2.0 that they think Emmerdale killed Dusty.