Liveblogging "As the World Turns": The Maltese Falcon

Okay, As the World Turns is officially back in business.

After a few weeks of plodding set-up and some dull (though probably requisite) over-earnest moments for Luke and Noah, the fellas' storyline has gotten fun again. When the show dropped the Wonder Twins into the mix last week it was just the kick in the pants that the story needed, and it looks like today is going to bring even more of the crazy when Zac and Zoe start a porntastic smear campaign against Luke's biodad, rakish Malteaser Damian Grimaldi.

How will our favorite Gucci-loafered spicy meatball react when he sees his chiseled mug plastered atop an oiled-up calendar boy all over Oakdale? And how will Luke's folks handle the prank?

Follow along below - refreshing often for breaking updates - to find out! 

"Mama mia, dassa spicy biological father!"

2:06PM EST: OMG, that was fast! Damian (whom I will henceforth call Malteaser) walks into OldeTowne to find it plastered with pictures of him, shirtless, on he cover of Playman magazine. Luke and Noah are inside Java and the ZZ Twins come flouncing in, bragging that they've just slapped Malteaser's head on a Playman covermodel. Noah seems a bit appalled, but Luke actually appears amused. Ha!

Oh, and when Zac calls Noah "loverboy", Mr. Humorlesspants is all, "it's Noah. N.O.U.H.H., No-uhh." Lighten up, kid!

Meanwhile, Malteaser stomps into the Lily Pad with the poster and tells Lily that Luke is plastering them all over "that shopping district". He says it like it's a bad area or something ... what, he's not down with Fashion Bug and Joyce Leslie? 

2:14PM EDT: Meg Dusty missing baby blah blah blah. She says she'd let Paul seduce her because she just wants her baby back. She wants her babybackbabybackbabyback .... (barbecue sauce!).

Noah asks the Z's how they can think it's okay to humiliate someone like that, but Luke thinks that the poster is "making a statement". The Z's, meanwhile, tell Noah that he needs to lighten up.

Lily gives Malteaser the "how dare you tell me how to raise my live gay son!" and asks how he even knows that Luke did this. Malty is like, "who else hates me enough to suggest to all of Oakdale that I have a ripped, hairless body, even tan, and one of those hot V-shaped waists that looks great in jeans with no underwear?

Lily calls Luke home, and Noah goes with him. When he gets there Malteaser accuses Luke of hanging the posters, and Luke tells him that he did it. Whah?

2:23PM EDT: That Hillshire Farms ad where that lady says, "that's some serious meat you're stackin'" is on. Takes me back to the good ole, sexless Nuke days!

Malteaser asks if Luke is trying to show him how much he hates him, and Luke says that he just wants him to go away. He also calls Luke "Luchanno", which Luke doesn't like. He also doesn't respect him and he doesn't consider him his father. Lily tells him that he owes Damian an apology, which he won't give. She tells him to at least take down the posters, which Noah agrees to for the both of them. 

Back in YeOldeTowne, Noah asks why Luke lied about the posters, saying that Lily's doing a better job of being nice to Damian. Luke points out that they were in love once, and that if he and Noah break up in 20 years he'll still have feelings for him, too. Luke stresses again how horrible Malteaser was to him and says that he has to thank the ZZ Twins ... and Noah reveals that he's suspicious of them, and that he thinks that they're dangerous.

Noah says that he thinks they should stop hanging out with them. Kind of hard when they seem to pop out of garbage cans and pecan pies everywhere you go, huh? And wait, where is Officer Hotpants through all this?! 

2:27PM EDT: By the way, I realize that many of my stupid nicknames on this show are food-related (Malteaser, Lady Drumstick, Cafe Vienna, Quaker Oats Lady). Just a note that I'm not a splosher or anything, but I do generally forget to eat before liveblog-time, so my shit is hoonnnnnnnngry! 

Cue Dr. Phil with the fat baby episode! Doctor, help thyself!

2:34PM EST: Dusty: "You said 'you save one life, you save the world', do you remember that?" Uh, only if it's a Teflon cheerleader!

Malteaser says that he's not going anywhere until Luke realizes that he's worthy of his love. Lily's all, "good luck with alllllll THAT!" and says she's going to work, and kicks him out. Ha! 

Luke defends Zac and Zoe to Noah (forgetting about how they're face-raping his boyfriend when he's not looking and ruining his computer) and Noah says that what they did to Damian wasn't exactly harmless. Luke doesn't agree - Oh, Polyanna! He admits they're "weird" and "offbeat". And one clearly wants to "offbeat" your boyfriend!

2:46PM EDT: Meg: "You gave our baby pneumonia!" Paul: "I'm crazy, not congested!"

Over at Worldwide, Lily realizes that her backup files are missing. The humorless Geek Squadder trying to help her asks if she lost them, and she says loudly (even though there's nobody there), "SOMEONE STOLE THEM!"

Over in YeOldeShantyTowneVillage, the ZZ Twins see Malteaser and yell, "Heyyyyyy Playman!" Ha! I kind of love having them antagonize him. He tells them they shouldn't mess with him and after he leaves Zac asks Zoey if she's scared of him.

They come in and brag about the encounter to Luke and Noah and Noah gets upset, and they're all, "lighten up, buttercup!" Zoe checks Noah's horoscope and says that things will get easier soon. OMG this is too much. They apologize for "getting between their two new best friends" and Luke gives Noah a meaningful look.

BTW, is anyone else getting a serious Marc and Amanda from Ugly Betty vibe from these two? Not that I'm complaining! 

Lily breaks into Malteaser's room, and he of course catches her after she's in there for literally 3 seconds. Still got it, Snyder! 

Meanwhile, Paul and Meg make amends in the hospital chapel, proving once and for all that there is no God and the Earth will belch forth the dead to feast on the souls of the living. Or, at least, that Dusty will see them praying together. Same diff!

2:55PM EDT: Malteaser tells Lily that if she wants something she should ask for it, and when she asks for the disks he's like, why would I do that? She tells him they think Damian is sabotaging Luke's gay rights efforts and he's all, "you are so wrong, lady." He says that he's not there to harm Luke, but someone is, and he's gonna find out who it is. Papa to the rescue!

So that loaded look apparently led to a fight, because now Noah and Luke are on opposite sides of the room, until the Blunder Twins make them kiss and make up, literally. They swear by the mark of Z (which they actually do, like the Gay Blade himself!) that they won't pull any more pranks without prior approval. They hit the road. 

Preview Time!: No Nuke. See you next week!