Liveblogging "as the World Turns": The life of Brian

So ... where were we? Oh, right:

HOLY MOTHEREFFING BALLS!

After Monday's boot-knocking episode (was I the only one who needed a cigarette after? And I don't even smoke!) we're back to examine the fallout of Luke and Noah's newly-actualized sexual relationship. Namely, Luke's handsy new peepaw, Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley.

Yeah, what about Brian?

To find out what's in store for the show's most maligned (and most throw-pillow-savvy) gay character, click on through the jump and refresh for updates!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

2:56PM EST: Noah and Luke head out, their gay Samaritan work done for the day, and Lady D talks to Wheats, who has just spoken to a therapist in Chicago who can help him when he gets there. Wheats seems much more relaxed now that he's said those two big words, and he insists to Lady D that he was happy. She tells him that she was happy too, and gives him back the wedding ring, saying she wants him to have it.

Wheats tells her he hopes she doesn't close herself off and finds someone who's good to her. She wishes him well, too. Awww - I'm glad they let this have a happy ending after all.

And blah blah Jade Derek Lily Bonnie blah. Aw, Bonnie gives Derek a kiss, which is sweet. And the image of Butters tackling a guy with a gun apparently is enough to get Ali's panties to drop, but Jade interrupts before that can happen. Jadeblock!  

Preview Time!: No Nuke. Rewatch Monday's ep instead!

2:47PM EST: Luke hammers on the door, concerned. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if those pills were just laxatives and Wheatables was just "tied up" in the other room? Awkward!

Wheats answers the door and Luke says he looks bad - actually, I'd have to disagree. I think he looks really good! Wheats replies that when your whole life falls apart grooming isn't top priority.

Luke finds the pills and asks Wheats what that's all about. 

Back at Stewart's Anatomy, McButters lets Ali know that he was almost shot. Jade appears and hugs him.

Noah and Luke give Wheats the "we think you're going to off yourself" talk and Wheats gets a little peeved that he's being lectured on living his life by two teenagers who took nearly two years to get busy. Wheats says he can't reconcile his new life with his old one and Noah tells him that yes, he can ... and his dad was nuts, to boot!

Wheats is all "thanks, but get the hell out of my face." He almost lets slip that he is embarrassed for thinking that Luke would be attracted to an old guy like him. Laurence Lau is the bomb! He's SO. GOOD. He breaks down, screaming, asking Luke what he wants to hear. He yells "I'm gay" just as Lady D enters the room, and she says, "Darling, you finally said it."

I feel so bad for Wheats! Somebody get him some ice cream. 

2:38PM EST: BobbyRobbie brandishes! Butters tackles! Jade squeals!

Wheats tells Noah that he's coming to him because he's always been fair, apparently not having heard the news that Noah is now thinking south of the belt. Wheats gets the picture that the boys are back together and bolts, leaving Noah a bit confused.

Luke tells Lady D that if anyone knows how holding back your feelings can come back and bite you, it's him. Yeah, as if getting bitten by Noah is anything to complain about!

Wheats arrives back at his hotel room with his basket of shredded paper, crying, and takes a bottle of pills out of the dresser. Suddenly Noah knocks on the door, saying that they have unfinished business. Huh? What, did he forget to pay for his scone? Noah calls Luke, concerned that Wheats won't open the door and that Wheats was talking about "ending things right". Lady D: "No skin off my milkshake!"

2:28PM EST: OMG, this ad that's all about public bathrooms being disgusting is genius. What, did that lady take her toddler to The Cock or something?! That said, the condition of that restroom is what I see in my mind pretty much every time I leave the house. God bless Purell!

Lady Drumstick calls Luke and tells him that Wheats stops by but quickly segues into screaming, "You and Noah are together and you be lovely and have a lovely day together! That's what I called to say!" Somebody get her a milkshake, STAT!

After some kind words from Noah, Luke runs out to talk to Lady D, giving Noah a kiss on the cheek and saying "trust me, I'll thank you later." "Thank" meaning "give up the kitty". In case anyone missed that.

Meanwhile, Detective Clarice Starling tells Bonnie and Lily that Robbie-nee-Bobby Sanchez is on the loose, and sure enough Jade and Butters are soon ambushed at Metro.

And Noah is ambushed by Wheats!

Luke stops by LadyBusiness and asks Lady D what Wheats wanted, to which she curtly replies, "it certainly wasn't me!" HA! Still got it, lady. The two have the "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that your husband felt me up" conversation, in case we missed it the last 2,395 times.

Oh chit - BobbyRobbie just shot Derek! 

2:16PM EST: Wheatables is still trying to convince Lady D they can make things better, but she's not buying it, saying, "sorry isn't good enough!" He insists that he loves her and she says she knows he does but she can't love him back.

Over at Java, Jade, Luke and Noah discuss the handsy peepaw situation, and when Noah compares Lady D to Maddie Jade points out that Maddie wasn't exactly "Miss Sophisticated". Snap!

Back at Stewart's Anatomy, we learn that Ali gave AC/DC concert tickets to Izzie and McButters gets mad at her, and she snaps, "Why didn't you get your own damn tickets, scrubs!" and storms off. (In case you've forgotten, a "scrub" is a guy who won't get no love from me.)

Lady D tells Wheats, "I deserve better!" in exactly the same way that Cybill Shepard says, "He wants my body!" in Chances Are (please tell me someone knows what the hell I'm talking about...) He asks her to give him the benefit of the doubt, but she says she can't give him anything but a wastebasket full of shredded paper. Which she does!

Back at Java, Jade gets a call from Sanchez: "Hey, Peaches!" Noah is busy recaffeinating Luke, so they don't stop her when she runs out, almost taking out Butters in the process. Action-packed!

2:09PM EST: Okay, that surreal "hydrolicious" Tomb Raider Herbal Essences ad made me crack up. But does anyone else miss the ads where the army of gay guys would spontaneously appear to zhuzh the dickens out of the girl? 

2:07PM EST: We kick off with Casey and Ali basking in Luke and Noah's post-nookie afterglow. Oh, sorry - that's me. They're actually playing pushme-pullyou with Butters bragging about how well he cleaned the east stairwell and Ali somehow managing to not drop her panties at the news. She reminds him that they are just friends ... right?

Over at the Lily Pad Bonnie and Gilded Lily are trying to figure out how to get Jade and Derek to talk. Hey, you should get Lady Drumstick and Butters ambush them and then they'll run into one another in the alley and ... oh wait, he's her dad? Never mind. And put away the ice cream! 

Meanwhile, Derek goes to meet Bonnie and he finds Sanchez instead. Oops! Sanchez says he's gonna make "that little bitch" pay and Derek actually replies "if you mean Jade ..." Uh, no. He meant that other little bitch.

Luke and Noah! They're canoodling on a bench in Olde Towne and clearly still basking in the afterglow. Jade comes by and Luke all but pulls a "smell my finger!" with her. But the mood sours when he remembers how he and his grandma are on the outs. Wait, are they? I SO CONFUSED!

Over at LadyBusiness (Lady Drumstick's office, whatever the hell it's called), she's furiously shredding documents (maybe some magazines she found in her hubby's sock drawer?) when Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley comes in and tells her that he's not giving up yet. Good luck with that!