Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Luke busts his Nancy Drew outfit out of cold storage

Yes, Luke is back in sleuthing form as he decides to lay off the sauce and start looking into the mysterious past of his handsy new grandpappy, Brian "Wheatables" Wheatley.

Will Luke get to the bottom of his new grandpaw's past? Or will he get to the past of his new grandpaw's bottom? And will I ever get a gig in the Catskills with these terrible jokes?

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

Let's get sleuthin'...

2:56PM EST: Luke reminds himself that the letter is none of his business, and puts it back down. Then he decides to go ahead and open it anyway, and reads that Wheats sent this Carolyn lady an alimony check. Just then Wheats returns and Luke dives on the bed and pretends to just be waking up, and makes a quick exit, with the letter.

Meanwhile, The Blonde Obstacle goes out to the car to find ... her big brother Craig in the backseat.

Preview Time!: No Nuke. But we'll be back Monday when they are! 

2:50PM EST: Luke lets himself into Wheatables' hotel room, cautiously calling, "Brian? You in here?" before he enters. How hot would it be if Wheats came out of the bathroom in an unusually short robe?

Back at the Lily Pad Lady Drumstick apologizes to Wheats for snapping at him and he excuses himself to go back to the hotel. Oh chit!

At the hotel, Luke is "sleeping off" the booze by rifling through Wheats's things. He finds an envelope with a Carolyn Wheatley return label. He wonders aloud who that might be... please don't tell me he talks while he texts, too...

And a mystery car that no one ordered shows up to pick up The Blonde Obstacle, and she goes outside to "take care of it". Uh, right! Say hi to Precious for me.

2:42PM EST: Okay, so everyone involved in this police interrogation is related. Nope, nothing wrong here!

Cute Intern Josh tells Luke that his blood pressure is a little low and when Wheatables says they'll take care of him Luke snaps, "Thanks, Grandpa!" (heh!) and tells him he's done his good deed for the day and can "check him off his to-do list". Um ... correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think anyone can check you off that particular list just yet.

Wheats gives Luke the keys to his room at the Lakeview and drops about 30 more innuendoes about "full examination" and the like. Luke says he isn't going to his handsy peepaw's hotel room but Wheats insists he go sleep it off. 

Meanwhile, Butters is keenly self-aware of his Butteriness, saying that he just can't do anything right lately. Alli flashes her divorce papers and says she has him beat. Butters, don't push it or she'll whip out that porno box again... 

The Blonde Obstacle goes off and writes the longest IM in Internet history to the Mystery Texter, and speaks the entire thing aloud as she types it. I bet she moves her lips when she reads, too. 

2:30PM EST: Wait, The Blonde Obstacle is Detective Clarice Starling's sister?! Lord, where have I been ...

Turns out that the dead hooker was indeed Spencer, according to the dental records that were likely planted by the evil Dani. Speaking of liars, Butters covers for his being in the hospital to Lily by saying he's looking for a job there. Lily goes back and tells Lady Drumstick and Wheatables that she ran into Butters who was obviously lying to her and trying to hide something in the room across the hall. 

They tell Wheats that Butters is a friend of Luke's and his ears perk up like someone just said "TREAT?" When the doctor arrives Wheats starts to talk and Lady D drops the hammer on him, telling him that she can speak for herself, thanks very much. I almost feel bad for the old perv!

Lily comforts him outside and he runs off, but then comes back moments later to run into Luke and the Scooby Gang as they come out of the room. Luke doesn't want to go with Wheats but Wheats kind of threatens/blackmails him into going back into the room with him.

Austin From Days is under arrest for keeping such a messy locker. But before they can finish his Miranda rights he tells The Blonde Obstacle that "she knows what she has to do. 

2:19PM EST: Austin From Days is all, "now how the hell did that get in here?!" as though the rotting corpse of a woman he's accused of murdering were a misplaced cufflink or something. The security guard leaves him and the BO alone in the room with the corpse, so AFD checks its face by pulling down the plastic it's wrapped in. Great idea! Detective Clarice Starling is called in and when she arrives the two of them are still standing in the locker room, marinating in the stench and complaining. OMG this is hot - it's like CSI for Dummies.

Butters' dad thinks a little menial labor might do him some good. Here, here!  

Luke actually IS drunk, it turns out. He tells Alli to lay off, that she's starting to sound like Noah ... or worse, his new peepaw Brian. This of course gives Luke a chance to flash back to the kiss - good thing we never started a Liplock Clock for them!

Alli convinces Luke to let her give him a kidney scan, saying she'll keep it confidential. Oh, Luke. Last time I agreed to something like that I woke up in a tub of ice with a screaming headache and a size seven ... well ... never mind. Turns out Alli is having an intern (named Joshua) do the test, so this should go well!

Butters runs into Gilded Lily in the hall. Busted! 

2:09PM EST: In the most genius display of marketing synergy ever, today's dead-hooker-scented episode is sponsored by Fabreze. And I just rewatched the rotting, oddly mannequin-like corpse of Spencer falling out of Austin's locker about 15 times during the commercial break. HOT!!!!

2:06PM EST: Okay, Austin From Days entered with a makeup tissue tucked into his shirt but for a second he looked like he was dresses up as Lestat or something. He tells The Blonde Obstacle that hair and makeup thinks he's innocent of the murder charge, so he's got the gay vote wrapped up.

Meanwhile, Butters has gotten a haircut and is eating a breakfast big enough to feed half of Oakdale. His dad tells him that he has two weeks to find a job or he's kicked out.

Downtown, Luke tries to breeze by Alli in the alley because he doesn't want a lecture. I can't tell if he's drunk or not ... I don't think he is, but when she reminds him of how sick he could get from drinking Little Lord Singlekidney almost falls over. She tries to call his folks but he begs her not to. 

Austin is blindfolded. Christmas came early! He smells something foul during their perfume segment, so either he's related to Sam from True Blood or there's a dead hooker in his locker. 

I was right!