Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Wait, he said "Lisbon"? Ohhhhhhhh my bad...

Oh hold on a sec - you're sure he said "Lisbon"? Oh my, that's just ... sorry, I toooootally misheard that. So forget the whole L Word tie-in and my theory that it was, indeed, Zee Twins who killed Jenny Schechter.

Back to the task at hand...

Today our tousled hero Luke Snyder starts to figure out that his boyfriend Noah hasn't actually run off to Lisbon on a part-time barista's salary, and may indeed be in the clutches of Zee insidious Twins. Will Luke find his laddie love before it's too late?

Continue along below and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

"Girls in tight dresses who have milk mustaches..."

2:08PM EDT: We start with Parker in the hospital, with Craig talking to the staff about how many Cosmos Parker apparently put down before he passed out. He calls Quaker Oats Lady, who is at the bar getting loaded. Atta girl! Maybe Parker's still drunk from when he was breastfeeding, oh, 15 years ago? She's too wasted to answer the phone, but she does find Duffy on the jukebox.

Over at the Lily Pad, Lily is reminding Luke what's been happening in the whole Foundation plot, but he's too busy worrying about Noah to listen. He finds this whole "Lisbon" thing just as odd as I did. And Luke points out that running off to Portugal is a bit of an overreaction to their non-fight.

Over in Zee Twins' lair, Zac is doing bicep curls and treating Noah like one of Boy George's dates. Zoe comes in and says that both dads are in town so they can't move, but hints that they can kidnap Luke as well with or without Noah's help.

Back at the Pad, Lily lets slip that Damian went to Lisbon to fetch Noah. Ooops ... well, at least he'll rack up some miles. Luke is busy trying to convince Lily that she's falling for Damian's tricks when Holden comes in, and Luke makes himself scarce, since he already saw this scene a few weeks ago. 

Back at Rockferry's, Bride of Cuervo starts a fight with a beeotch named Janet (non-juicy variety) who's camped out on QAL's barstool and won't take her gentle, gin-soaked hints that she needs to move. 

2:19PM EDT: Bride of Cuervo: "You can either get off the stool, or you can fight for it." HA! Janet 2 Alcoholic Boogaloo calls her a "lush" and the bartender kicks her out. Oof! Someone's havin' a case of the Mondays...

Craig calls her: "Are you drunk?" Um, is she awake?

Zoe runs off to ambush Luke, and while she's gone Noah tries the whole "flirt with your captor" approach on Zac, asking him to loosen the ropes, because his hands are numb. Zac basically tells him he'll free his hands if he ... um ... gives him a hand with something. 

Luke gets a fake text from Noah and Zoe chats him up at Java. Luke lets her know that he's suspicious of how Noah sounded on the phone. Maybe he was talking through a rubber chicken?

Turns out Luke is suspicious that Noah wrote "I love you" in his text, which isn't like him. OMG it's just like Ghost! Ditto, Luke - ditto!! 

Noah tries to charm Zac into letting him go, promising that he won't turn Zac in. Zac tells him that he'll let him go if he "makes love to him".

HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

2:30PM EDT: Craig finds Carly passed out on the couch. She must smell like a frathouse. When he tells her that they're pumping the alcohol from Parker's stomach, she starts to cry ... all that wasted Vodka!!

It doesn't look like Noah's taking the bait, and Zac says that Noah and Luke are like "an old married couple" and refers to Luke as his "wife". Zac lets slip that the whole scam was Zoe's idea, and he's not too keen on taking the fall for her and going to prison. He promises to let Noah go if Noah gets naughty with him, and Noah finally agrees. He unties him and Zac says, "I undid you, now you undo me". Noah reaches for Zac's dumbell but Zac catches him and slams him against a locker, and grabs the dumbell, threatening to "slam it against his skull".

Back at Java Luke mentions that his biodad went to fetch Noah and Zoe's all, "OMG I totally forgot I had a carrot cake in the oven" and runs out. 

Back at the Lily Pad, the doorbell rings and Damian says that he went to Lisbon, and Noah wasn't there. OMG that's hilarious. Nope, I checked the whole country and came right back!

Back at the warehouse, Zac has Noah tied up again and he tells him that he should have his gaydar checked. Noah's all, "what's that supposed to mean", and Zac's all, "figure it out." Uh ... what? Zoe comes back and tells Zac that Luke's dad went to Lisbon, blah blah. 

2:39PM EDT: Not to make light of the plight of strapping gay college students everywhere who are kidnapped as a part of a plot of his boyfriend's disgraced European heirs, but is anyone else bummed that we didn't get to see Noah go full-on Last House on the Left on Zac? 

Luke comes home and when Damian says he couldn't find Noah, Luke's all, "that's because you never went!" Damian tells him that he spoke to Noah's friends at the film festival that is actually happening, believe it or not, and Luke starts to suspect that Noah didn't send that text.

Back Zee Twins' lair, Noah's phone rings and when Noah tries to sweet-talk him again Zac asks if he's trying to piss him off. Zoe comes back from delivering "the note" and ... whaddaya know, the twins start making out.

The look on Noah's face is pretty priceless., gotta say. 

And Luke, Lily and Holden read the ransom note.  

2:48PM EDT: Okay, so the fact that Zac and Zoe are really a couple is not terribly surprising. But why was Zac still carrying on the whole "gay seduction" thing with Noah at this point? Is life really just that boring in Oakdale? 

Zac and Zoe conjure two champagne flutes out of nowhere and toast their wickedness. They also tell Noah that he's about to find out just how much Luke loves him. Luke wants to pay the ransom, and Holden is suspicious that Damian is behind the kidnapping. Luke doesn't really care who did it, he just wants Noah back. 

Bride of Cuervo gets all "woe is me" about the fact that the appletini didn't fall far from the tree, but I'm distracted by her earring, which look like gold-plated communion wafers. 

2:56PM EDT: Noah's all, "if this is all about money, why are you two being such asshats all the time with the flirting and stabbing and stufF?" Instead of answering, they tape Noah's mouth and start going at it in front of him.  Eesh - it's gonna be a long time before he washes that image off his brain.

Preview Time! Tomorrow Luke finds Noah, but Zee Twins pull a gun on them! And meanwhile, Butters and Ali slow-dance to "Beauty School Dropout?!" I don't know which is a scarier prospect.