That's right, today is a very special day on As the World Turns: It marks the long-awaited return of Noah's dad, the insidious Captain Pervy (aka Colonel Win Mayer, played by McCormick Daniel Hugh Kelly). Pervs is currently serving ten to twenty in Oakdale State Pen for attempting to kill Luke with a Toaster Strudel on a camping trip (Worst. Bonding. Weekend. Ever.), and many of us probably forgot about the lovable old sociopath except for the occasional Oz/ATWT slashfic musings. Or maybe that's just my thing.

Anyway, today our feuding lovebirds somehow find their way back into the insidious clutches of Captain Pervs, whom we have suspected all along might have something to do with the appearance of Ameera in this whole messy situation. Will Pervs be able to tap into his previous work as the lead on I Married Dora to advise his son on how to make a sham marriage workable? (I mean, honestly, he really wrote the book on it...) Does his return mean that Luke should be hiding the preservative-filled breakfast pastries and ducking for cover?

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens! 

Over the river and through the woods to visit my boyfriend's homocidal dad in the clink we go!

2:54PM EDT: Noah comes back inside from consoling Ameera and tells Luke that he doesn't even really thinks his dad cares that he's married to Ameera. Luke is far more suspicious. Meanwhile, outside, Ameera is calling the prison, and asks for Colonel Mayer. Back inside, Luke is telling Noah that he wishes that they'd never gotten involved in any of this. You and us both, kid.

Pervs is appropriately pervy to Ameera on the phone, and she tells him that he can always trust her and is still "his girl". Ewww. She looks in the window at Noah and Luke with a guilty/sad look. Or maybe she just had some bad chicken salad. I know I feel like I just did....

Preview Time! Eh, we know we don't get any more Nuke for a week. See ya then!

2:46PM EDT: Noah meets up with his wife and boyfriend at the diner and tells them that he didn't get anything out of Pervs but that he did let slip that OUCH!

Sorry, Hotprechaun just stood up in boxer briefs and I think I pulled something.

Where was I?

Um ... right, Noah let slip to Pervs about the fake marriage so maybe they should just stay away from him so he doesn't get any ideas. Yeah, that'll happen. Luckily, Luke reminds Noah that Pervs isn't just going to let it go and of course Ameera gets all "this is all my fault waaaaah" and runs out of the diner. If there had been a candy bowl on the table, she totally would have pulled a Jerri Blank on the way out.

Meanwhile, Butters tackles the nerd (his name's Elwood ... no word on whether Harvey is with him today) after his mom catches him in a sting operation at a bookstore. And it's just as exciting as it sounds.

2:38PM EDT: Oh my, The Girl Without the Unfortunate Headlights Highlights is in a red lacey bra and panty set, and Hotprechaun is playing doctor on her. She looks pretty smokin'. Why can't Luke and Noah have this kind of fun? I mean, minus the bra and panties?

Pervs is still processing that Noah is married to Ameera, and says that that's good. Hmm. Noah tells him that he doesn't want his approval and Pervs says that maybe they can start over.

Ooh! Angry Noah! It's been too long. He launches into a therapy-worthy monologue about how he never accepted him and Pervs figures out that the marriage is a sham. Noah wants to know why his dad is bugging Ameera...

We cut to Luke and Ameera at the diner. Watch out for car bombs and landsharks! 

Pervs baits Noah about "that Snyder kid" and Noah snarls "HIS NAME IS LUKE!" and lunges across the table. They get into a huge shouting match and Pervs calls Noah's mom a liar and a whore. Um, guard? What, is he doing a Sudoku over there in the corner? Finally it gets physical and the guard intervenes, and Pervs warns Noah, "stay out of it, this is between me and Ameera and nobody else." 

More than anything, I'm just upset that Luke's staying home means that we won't get a replay of this:

2:31PM EDT: mmmexperimental just pointed out that I may have called Hotprechaun's galpal The Girl With the Unfortunate Highlights back before the show mysteriously dyed her hair brown. So I guess she's now The Girl Without the Unfortunate Highlights? I'm getting a hand cramp just thinking about it...

Okay, is anyone else more excited about Swingtown than they probably should be? 

2:26PM EDT: Aww... poor Butters. His mom won't believe him, and he's convinced that someone is framing him in order to send him back to jail. Anyone else hoping it's Matt?

Meanwhile, Noah's going to go see his dad alone, and Luke is going to stay with Ameera. Luke brings up the letter where Pervs tried to make amends, but neither mentions how the letter mysteriously vanished on the very day that Ameera appeared. Luke tells Noah "I love you" and Noah says "same here", they hug, and he leaves. How ... almost romantic.

Butters attacks a nerdy guy with glasses in the coffee shop and accuses him of framing him. The guy's not too bothered.

Noah is waiting in the visiting room, and the guard brings in Captain Pervy. Noah tells him that Ameera's not coming and that Pervs needs to stop calling her. Pervs tells Noah that he can't tell him what to do, and Noah says that yes he can, because Ameera is his wife. Pervs doesn't look terribly thrilled by the news. I guess that means they shouldn't mark him down for a Cuisinart on their registry.  

2:18PM EDT: Luke says that he's going with, and they're all, hells no, he already tried to kill you once. Noah realizes that he gave the prison all their names the last time he was going to visit Pervs, which must be how they knew Ameera was living with them. Or something.  

2:14PM EDT: Butters Casey has yet again tried to help someone (this time, Emily) and it's coming back to bite him in the buttery ass.  

Ameera welcomes Luke back to the house and says he's always welcome there, and he's like "Uh, yeah ... I know." Face! Her phone rings and she goes outside to take it. Captain Pervy sensors tingling!

Noah sits down on the couch and asks Luke to sit with him. Noah pulls him in close and says that he's been wanting to do something since he walked in. Luke's all, "she's right outside" and you know the rest ... cue the wife! Sigh.

Ameera tells Noah that the call was from the warden at the prison, calling to tell her that Captain Pervy wants to see her. Dun-dun-DUUUNNNNN! 

Noah asks what his dad wanted and has an uncharacteristic flash of intuition, and asks how they got her number in the first place. Bingo, Mayer! Ameera brushes it off.

2:08PM EDT: And as though on cue, we have a commercial from Mrs. Butterworth. Seriously, is there someone planning all this? 

2:05PM EDT: Hotprechaun is being seduced at work by the girl who died her hair ... wow, in all this time have I really never learned her name or come up with a suitable nickname? Yeesh. Meanwhile, Casey is getting the riot act from Detective Clarice Starling and Emily is using -- WOW! Ameera's looking gorgeous. Wow! Noah's teaching her how to make pancakes and she says he must have learned how to cook from his dad. Noah says no, he OW! - sorry, he just blinded me with the reflection of the studio lights off the spatula - he actually used to hide out in the kitchen on the Army bases.

The doorbell rings, and it's Luke. Noah is surprised to see him, and Luke says he had to come. Luke tells him that he was wrong in saying that he wouldn't wait for Noah. He tells him that he'd wait forever, and that what they have can survive anything. Ugh, what a wuss. They hug, and Ameera comes in carrying Luke's nards a plate of pancakes and syrup. "Rooty tooty, fresh and fruity", indeed!