Liveblogging "As the World Turns": My Two Dads

We're back for round three of the week (and boy are my wings tired ... or something) in the ever-evolving story of a gay boy, his two dads, his doting boyfriend, and his tendency to wind up on the business end of some very dangerous breakfast pastries.

Today Luke tries to process the fact that his birth father, Damian Grimaldi, is back in town and wants to reinsinuate himself into Luke's life. Plus he's got that whole "attempted vehicular homicide" thing to deal with, as well as his ongoing gay rights cause, moving in with his boyfriend, and I think he left a carrot cake in the oven!

To find out how things play out today, follow along below, refreshing often for up-to-the-moment updates!

Two dads are better than ... none? 

2:00PM EDT: Okay, before we get into the daddy drama, can someone PLEASE get The Bold and the Botoxed to add a prominent gay character to their show, because I would KILL to liveblog that hot mess. Between the older lady releasing her eggs at the picture of the swimsuit model and Rrrrrrrick saying, "You can't blow up my car just because having sex with me was once appealing to your mom!" this thing spoofs itself. 

2:07PM EDT: We pick up with Luke trying to get Father Guido Grimaldi out of his hospital room, or at least to stop calling him "Lucien". Luke makes it clear to his dad that he's still gay and asks him if he still wants to "fix" him. Damian changes the subject by asking who "Noah" is that Luke asked for when he was tenderly holding his hand, and when Luke says it's his boyfriend and asks Damian if he's just expressing interest for show, Damian insists that he's not.

Aaaaaaand Quaker Oats Lady is at the bar. It must be Thursday! And is anyone else not loving Parker's Joyce DeWitt look? 

Papa G tells Lucierno that he regrets how he treated him when he decided to get all gay. Luke emphasizes that he didn't choose this, and asks if that's why Damian sent him the money, as a bribe. Damian says he just wants the chance to get to know his son and Luke says "ain't gonna haaaaaaave it!"

Outside, Lily, Holden and Noah are discussing the situation when they overhear Luke scream "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" and rush in to find Damian standing over his bed. They drag him out of the room and Noah is all, "did I just hear Lily quote Lee Grant from the final scene of Damen: Omen II?" and Luke's like, that's my dad.

"DAMIAAAAAAAAAAN!" 

Outside, Lily is about to pin a medal of honor on Papa G for saving Luke. Hmmm....  

2:17PM EDT: And I love the ad for Marie Calendar's Microwave Pasta Entrees during Grimaldi's return. Lily asks if he saw what happened, and Damian says he didn't see the driver or anything. Damian says his main concern was Luke so he left the note on him instead. Holden gets all uppity about Damian calling Luke his "son" and reminds him what a shit he was when Luke came out (okay, we get it). Damian says that he's proud of the man that Luke has become, which is why he was just holding his hand in the dark.

Back in the hand-holding suite, Noah asks Luke if Damian deserves a chance. Luke decides no, that his papa can never accept him for who he truly is.

Over at the Parallel Themes Bar and Grill, Craig drops some parenting science on Carly, and she tells him she almost feels better. I almost care!

Dammit! asks Matthew Perry 2.0 if this whole "arresting Parker" ruse is just an attempt to "scare him straight". Meanwhile, Damian asks Lily and Holden for time with Luke to get to know him. Holden heads off to sign Luke's discharge papers and Damian lays it on thick with Lily, but she's not buying it and tells him that he's not welcome here.

2:27M EDT: Gilded Lily is recounting how badly Damian treated her so emotionally that it almost makes one forget that she wasn't even actually there!

Luke can't find his watch but otherwise he's ready to go. Oh, and he doesn't care what the hell Damian does, but he'd better not try to mess with the foundation. He mentions the missing watch again ... do I smell a new Nancy Drew mystery?

Noah has to head back to Java but he's thankful that Luke's head is hard enough to withstand a toaster strudel with a V-8. They exchange "I love you"s and have a long, lingering kiss that Damian walks in just in time to see. The look on his face is kind of unreadable ... is he horrified or jealous? Gentlemen, start your Noah/Damian slashfic!

Blah blah Diet Gilmore Girls blah blah. And OMG this Erica chick at the PD is AMAZING. Do they have to put a quarter in her to get her to say her lines? Or is she the result of a failed cloning attempt of Cafe Vienna? Oh, and Craig lies and tells MP2.0 that he gave Parker the money.

2:39PM EDT: Noah is cleaning up Java, and Damian shows up. Oooooh how's that slashfic comin'? Noah tries to get rid of him but Damian wants to give him Luke's watch to give back to him, and Noah figures out that Damian was the one who brought him in to the hospital. Noah also tells him that he gave Luke the watch and that he and Luke are more than friends and are very happy together. Damian tells Noah it was nice meeting him and shakes his hand, and leaves. Well that was ... oddly anti-climactic.

Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn!

Soooo do Mexican families really have such a tough time choosing between hard and soft tacos that they have to spin a giant wheel before dinner every night? Because they haven't covered that on Ugly Betty. Ooh, Ellen's Covergirl ad! Atta girl. 

2:47PM EDT: Teen bride drama ... hey, show of hands, who thinks Damian is hotter than Holden? Is it too tough a draw? Maybe we should just have them resolve the issue the old-fashioned way: Nude Crisco wrestling. It's the only way! 

Back at the Lily Pad Noah comes by to visit a sofa-bound Luke, and Holden heads off to the farm. Noah gives Luke his watch back and tells him that Damian gave it to him. Noah realizes that Luke doesn't know that Damian was the one who brought him to the bonesetter, and says that maybe Papa G isn't as bad as they think.

Over at the hotel, Lily urges Damiaaaaaan to get outta town. Damian insists he doesn't want to change Luke anymore. I just want to keep him around to use his perfectly triangular nose to cut those big watermelon fruit baskets. When Lily suggests that Damian isn't Luke's real father, he gets pretty heated. 

Luke fills Noah in on the whole "gay mind-control camp" thing. Noah points out that Damian hasn't objected to the whole gay rights thing, and Luke says it's a ploy. Lily isn't buying it either, but Damian insists that he is proud of the work that Luke is doing, and he begs her to believe in him again. 

2:56PM EDT: MP2.0 says he wants "to bounce Craig off every wall in this room." That's my definition of a good date!

Parker is convinced that getting his trust fund will solve everything. Yes, but as someone who lives in Williamsburg, I can also tell you that it turns you into an instant douchebag. Sorry!

Aaaaaand Carly is stewing her oats in wine again. Atta girl. And that is easily the biggest wineglass I have ever seen. She could use it as a diving bell!

Luke tries to convince Noah that Damian and Captain Pervy were cut from the same cloth and Noah agrees to say away. Noah tells Luke that he's never going to lose him. Never. Awww! And Holden crashes Damian and Lily's party and says "take ... this ... thing ... back to Malta!" But after they're gone Damian gives a classic villain aside to the camera, saying that he's not going anywhere until he gets what he wants! MWUAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!

Preview Time: No Nuke tomorrow, which means I get to rest my digits and eat. But we'll be back next week as the plot thickens!