Liveblogging "As the World Turns": My Two Homophobic, Letter-Writing Dads

Yes, today Luke and Noah's 7 minutes of relationship bliss will reportedly be interrupted ... by another letter from a sociopathic paternal figure. Why can't these guys sign up for email?

Much as when the letter from Noah's father, Captain Pervy, threw a wet blanket over Luke and Noah's gay idyll, today a post from Luke's biological father, Damien Damian, will upset the rarely-if-ever-happy couple. It remains to be seen whether, as with last time, the arrival of said letter will be accompanied by a visitation by a fugitive from Iraq. Dare to dream!

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out how this all plays out ... as it happens!

Let the poisoned penpalling begin!

2:57PM EDT: Preview Time! No Nuke, but OH MY GOD if Allison doesn't have the HOTTEST FREAKOUT I HAVE EVER SEEN at the hospital. It looks like an outtake from Visiting Hours!!! 

2:55PM EDT: Lady Drumstick meets up with the gays at the coffee shop and Luke tells her that he's thinking of accepting Daddy Damian's inheritance ... in order to start a foundation for sick kids. (Next Up: The Luke Snyder Foundation for Kids Who Can't Read Good!)

Is it just me, or did Lady D look at Noah when she said "non-profit endowments"? Either way, she leaves.

Noah gives him a cute look and says he's doing a good thing. And Luke says he's doing it for him ... this foundation could be a way that they could do something they believe in, and do it together. C'mon, Luke. If you really were committed to this relationship you would have had a sex-change operation and enlisted in the Army with Noah as his wife. Using your millions to give him a job is child's play!

2:47PM EDT: Gilded Lily tells Lady D about Holden's dinner party meltdown and Lady D repeats "Melt? Down?" back to her, clearly with Mr. Softee on her mind.

I gotta say, although all this MP2.0/QOL/Dammit!/Holden/Hobbit stuff is pretty annoying, every time Dammit! talks about her ricotta pancakes my stomach growls. There's a place in our neighborhood that makes ricotta blueberry -

Oh, gays! Sorry. Over at Java, Noah brings Luke an iced somethingorother (that Mayer, always trying to solve problems with caffeine!) and tells Luke that he may regret turning down his evil father's money. Coming from the guy who has no money and whose evil father is dead. Nope, no bias there!

Hotprechaun's chest is seriously just sick. It's so big that it has smaller chests orbiting around it. His mom gives him a pep talk and when she leaves he uses his nipples to cut through the glass door at Oakdale Savings and Loan and runs off with all the money.

2:40PM EDT: Gilded Lily tells Holden (who has manifested in her living room) that Damian has authorized an enormous transfer of money to Luke. Lady Drumstick, of course seeing literally thousands of frozen desserts on the horizon, is all for it, but Luke doesn't want his daddy's dirty money. He and Noah (who's looking quite ripped himself today, isn't he?) step outside to let the old people bicker.

Holden really couldn't care less, as he's busy imagining his new girlfriend doing it with a hobbit. 

2:35PM EDT: Shirtless Hotprechaun! Oh, thank God. I seriously was nodding off for a second there... 

And again! He throws on a t-shirt that looks like it is SCREAMING in pain at being stretched over every little ripple and bulge. Someone book him on charges of cruelty to natural fabrics. 

2:27PM EDT: Okay, unless Noah ravishes Luke on Lily's divan or Lady Drumstick suddenly turns into a unicorn, this is probably going to go down as the Boringest. Episode. Ever.

2:19PM EDT: OMG, are we still suffering through the whole "Hotprechaun got Allison fired" thing? Ugh. QOL has the sense to point out to MP2.0 that their son is going to be scarred beyond belief by the fact that his dad is boinking his girlfriend's mom. The kid's already psychic ... are you trying to drive him into fractured personality? Some parents just expect too much.

Back at Lily's pad (heh heh), Lady Drumstick has arrived before Luke had a chance to open the package and asks "why the long faces?" (In my mind we cut to a shot of Sarah Jessica Parker and Minnie Driver having tea with Seabiscuit.)

Luke's too scared to open the letter, so Lady D grabs it and opens it for him. Here's hoping it's anthrax! 

2:12PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady goes off on Matthew Perry 2.0 for "trading women with Brad like baseball cards" and calls him out on being "friends with bennies" with Dammit!. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Frodo is bugging Holden in the "field" about dating QOL. A tip for my furry friend: don't bug a man with a ho. I mean, the thing in his hand. 

2:08PM EDT: Right before the commercials there was a plug for CBSWatch.com, which is an online CBS magazine. Am I the only one that hasn't heard of this? Which means I'm the only one who hasn't seen the hilarious fashion photoshoot of Casey, Gwen, Maddie (?!) and Will in FAO Schwartz? 

2:04PM EDT: We start off with Noah sending Gilded Lily into a crying jag ... because she's happy for them for getting back together. Turns out that Luke and his family are pressuring Noah to move back to the farm. They joke about having a shotgun wedding and living under Emma's rules, and Noah says that he thinks the should wait a bit ... and Luke agrees?! 

Boooooo!

Their moment of "we're so thrilled to be in a happy relationship where we don't have sex" bliss is interrupted when an ashen-faced Lily comes back in with a package ... addressed to "Luciano".