Liveblogging As the World Turns: "Not a word if it's dry!" Edition

Yes, Virginia, there is a Thanksgiving episode of As the World Turns.

The title of today's liveblog of what will by default be the gayest Thanksgiving in the history of Oakdale refers to two things: first, one of my favorite commercials from childhood, where two maiden aunts go to a Thanksgiving dinner and consipre excitedly in the car about the coming meal: "Her first turkey" ... "It won't be juicy!" ... "Not a WORD if it's dry!" It was this kind of tingling schadenfreude over what is supposed to be an enjoyable family gathering that has made me the sick man that I am today, I'm convinced. I mean, do you watch Gremlins every Christmas?

But second, these pre-holiday episodes are often not the best, so don't blame me if my liveblogging isn't tender and juicy. (Although I have been brining in apple cider overnight, so let's keep our fingers crossed!) Luckily, yesterday's preview promised some mashed-potatoes-in-the-puss tomfoolery, so I think the writers have got our backs this year. Given that our holiday miracle came a little early (Luke, ever the over-achiever, rose to the challenge a day ahead of schedule), we'll need all the help we can get.

Click on through the jump and refresh often for the latest starchy goodness!

Bon appetit ...

2:58PM EDT: B.O. gives Austin a second chance, QOL gives Kip a check for $100,000, and the tots sing some song called "Albequerque Turkey". The adults listen and smile and Luke and Noah hold hands as they listen. Awwwww...

Preview Time! Oh wow, Noah suggests to Luke that they "take it public". What does that mean? Issue a press release? And does QOL get kidnapped?! I hope she stays away from hot cereal this time around.

2:53PM EDT: Hotprechaun is back in bed and shirtless, where he belongs. All is right with the world.

The wee Snyder tots announce that they have a special surprise. Gentlemen, take your insulin.

2:46PM EDT: Kip just had the hottest line: "I did a lot of crazy things in Idaho, but I was on the sauce!" And I don't think she means cranberry...

B.O. drags Austin to the town square (which is all did up for Christmas). Lily meets up with Dusty at the No-Tell Hotel. QOL and Kip decide to make frozen dinners together, and I imagine next time we cut to them they'll be drinking bourbon and smoking while doing laundry. Hotprechaun and Emmerdale talk a little too loudly about "going upstairs and de-stressing" than I'm comfortable with in a crowded room.

Vitalis Man has fixed his hair and ambushed Jordana on the steps of Pity Me Pines.

This whole deal would be heartwarming if I gave to poops about any of these characters. We Want Nuke! We Want Nuke! Can't someone hit Noah with a pumpkin pie or something?

2:38PM EDT: Austin swung back, and MP2.0 and he get into a huge man-on-man Thanksgiving wrestling fight in the yard. Noah rushes to the window to watch, and gets there just as the strapping Snyder boys rip each other's shirts off and land in a puddle of mud.

Okay, I made that last part up because I am BORED TO TEARS

Lily tells the kids she has to go to work and one asks why mommy has to work on Thanksgiving. Her corner's open 365 days a year, kids!

The Blonde Obstacle stops by Pity Me Pines to visit Austin, who's now sporting a fresh shiner. Meanwhile, QOL finds that someone is in her house and pulls a hockey stick to defend herself from ... Kip? Kit? Some woman who was involved in the attempted kidnapping of Pre-Curse Edward Furlong, from the sounds of it.

2:28PM EDT: Vitalis Man looks positively wind-blown! I've never seen his hair so dry and ... ambulatory ...

Okay, one shot of Noah with a hacksaw is not satisfying my hunger for Oakdale Gay Teen!

Austin gazes pensively at the mashed potatoes and Lily calls him on it. PLEASE tell me he's going to make them into a model of Devil's Canyon.

Noah wheels in Luke, whoc stands up briefly to get into his chair. Everyone gets all excited and Luke gives a goofy grin.

They're about to eat when MP2.0 comes in and calls Austin outside. Little Miss Stormcloud reads an Emerson poem and Luke is thankful for everything, especially all the love around him. Holden looks at Lily. No, Holden, he said "love", not "hausfrau hooker".

MP2.0 punches Austin! What, there weren't any full chafing dishes handy?

2:17PM EDT: The B.O. confronts AFD about knowing that QOL not dying and all that, and as soon as the camera starts rolling again, B.O. puts a chafing dish of hot Potato Buds in his face. And then gravy! Okay, I've never been into sploshing, but seeing Austin covered in fixings is making me reconsider.

He tries to apologize and Henry slips in potatoes and knocks into Austin, who dumps mopwater all over blondie. Such capers!

Ooh! Ooh! Hotprechaun! He gets in trouble from some old guy for letting Feathers into the lab.

Jordana gets a text from Vitalis Man and she runs to meet him under the bridge, leaving behind a freshly-set table that looks straight out of an AmWay calatog.

QOL is home alone on Thanksgiving and demon dialing for someone to talk to, when Austin shows up covered in gravy. At that same moment, MP2.0 shows up at B.O.'s room covered in ... I dunno, Cool Water? God this is getting complicated.

2:05PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady comes home with groceries to find her kids playing and Matthew Perry 2.0 cooking turkey. Psych! Yes, she's daydreaming, and is awakened by a beeping noise. No, it's not Lily's Whore Alarm, her Totino's Pizza Rolls are done.

Over at Henry's Diner, The Blonde Obstacle pulls a knife on Austin From Days. He probably threatened to feed her pepperkaken.

Down at Hobo Landing, Vitalis Man is also hallucinating, and mistakes a homeless lady for Jordana Brewster and a baby. What is Henry putting in those cookies?

Over at Pity Me Pines, the Snyders are assembling for their meal. Luke, back in his chair (guess he remebered to be Temporarylized today!), is wheeled in by Noah, who is snagged into preparing a hubbard squash, which Luke refers to as a "very macho" thing. A minute later we see Noah walk through with a hacksaw - that's some squash!

Meanwhile, Lily's getting a booty call from Dusty and Holden is commiserating with MP2.0. It's so nice to see all these emotional trainwrecks coming together at the holidays, isn't it?