Liveblogging As the World Turns: Not Without My Hausfrau Hooker Mom Edition

That's right: Two Nukes in a week! I don't remember the last time we had that. Today the boys are back in the attic kitchen where they belong and discussing the fallout of Monday's Very Special Bel Ami Presents episode, Frisky Oakdale Hot Tub Party.

In the preview for today's episode Noah and Luke are discussing exactly what kind of relationship it is that they want to have (oh, how about the one in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, where there's no actual touching?) and although it looks like Luke might move in to kiss Noah I'm not going to get my hopes up, partly because his mother and Lady Drumstick are involved in some sort of hostage situation on a rooftop that may intervene. Hey, if a sprig of mistletoe can keep these two from locking lips, a hausfrau hooker helicopter rescue is sure to complicate things.

As ever, click through the jump and refresh often for breaking updates! 

Here we go... 

2:57PM EST: I love how the police tape over the crime scene looks like it's been thrown there as a part of a ticker-tape parade. Can this police force do nothing right?!

We cut to a close-up of two hands embracing and for a second I think it's Luke and Noah and do a double-take because Noah's hands look oddly feminine ... oh, it's Holden and Lily! Little Miss Stormcloud and The Other One come running in and Lily embraces them, and Holden says that nothing will ever tear the family apart again. Close-up of a teary-eyed Lily gazing at him over the heads of her moppets, and we're one freeze-frame away from the end of a Lifetime original.

Preview Time! Nada. But when the boys move onto the dessert menu, we'll be here! 

2:53PM EST: Luke comes back to the table with a footlong (I'm not even kidding) and Noah jokes that all that sexytime talk made him meat-crazy.

Then they drop the 1-900 talk and say that they want to do things their own way and that what they really want is to create a new kind of family. In a sweet gesture, Noah tells Luke that he'll always be there to take care of Luke, which he punctuates by stuffing half a sandwich into his mouth in the most overt oral sex gag I've ever seen on daytime television (yes, I'm counting Passions).

I wonder how many takes they had to shoot before Silbermann could do that with a straight face. Gay face? Eh, whatever. I'm hungry.

2:46PM EST: Lily and Holden come home to find the kitchen empty, so Luke and Noah must still be at the opium den coffee shop. 

I love when they film Vitalis Man outdoors because he gets all windblown. It's like seeing Zorro without his mask. 

Two random one-liner nurses come out of a hospital rooms (are those scrubs from Katherine Heigl's "Izzy" designer line?) and each deliver a sentence about a plotline I don't really follow, and then we cut away. Hot!! How awesome was that? Who were they, Nurse Exposition and Nurse Rewrite? 

2:39PM EST: Lily rushes into Holden's arms and Lady Drumstick screams "He's dead! That's parting justice!" Dear God this woman's tough. Meanwhile, Hotprechaun ® tells the rest of the Scooby gang that APL killed himself with an injection to the heart. 

Back up on the roof, Lily attacks Lady D for bringing APL to Oakdale and for indirectly being responsible for Dusty's death. Lady D seems more pissed than penitent, but what should we really expect at this point... 

Okay, not to trivialize the topic, but is Meg mentioning her miscarriage in every sentence? Geez, Debbie Downer...

2:30PM EST: APL whisks Lily and Lady D up to the roof to catch a chopper to the airfield. Awesome. While we pay passing attention to all this drama, can we revisit Luke and Noah? You may have seen the spoilers for next week's Valentine's Day episode, and the boys' fantasizing about their first time using old movies (Noah mentions From Here to Eternity, specifically) makes me wonder...

Oh, sorry: Lily just killed American Psycho Lite. 

2:25PM EST: APJ tosses H ® out of the room and when he isn't looking Lily helps herself to a scalpel from one of Oakdale General's many Self-Serve Hospital Supply Carts. It's like an automat, that place. 

She goes for him with the scalpel and misses. Atta girl!

Luke and Noah are sitting in Central Perk openly fantasizing about what their first time will be like.

First he suggests candles and rosepetals on the duvet. Noah says he can't even spell "duvet". I can! 

Luke gets more creative: "All sweaty and hot in the locker room after a game of handball"? OMG!

Noah accuses him of watching porn, which Luke laughs off. Luke asks him what it would be like if he could direct them in a romance movie. Noah says he wants them to be different and unique, and to do everything their own way.

Luke pauses and asks what "their own way" is. Noah asks what kind of relationship they want to have, and Luke looks like he's moving in to kiss.

CUT! 

Is it just me or did they just have phone sex without the phone? 

2:19PM EST: Hotprechaun ® tries to talk APL out of killing Lily and Lady D. He's actually holding that needle a little too close to Lily's face for my tastes, and for hers, but the looks of it. She looks like she's very nervous ... either that or she needs more fiber in her diet.

Holden is held back from breaking into the room by a few nameless hot cops. Remind me to get arrested next time I'm in Oakdale.

Oh hey -- have you noticed this Multigrain Cheerios that is obviously British but has been re-dubbed and had the American version of the box clumsily inserted with really bad CGI? It's creeeeeeeepy! Oh -- mystery solved!!

So where are our boys? I need more sploshing talk! 

2:14PM EST: I'm kind of distracted by how huge the lapels on Lady D's coat are. She looks like she belongs on a playing card. 

Ooh! Hotprechaun ® ! Okay, I'm distracted by him now.

Meg and Vitalis Man have a reeeeeeally long scene that really has very little suspense as they're arguing about a mystery murderer that isn't a mystery anymore. Ditto Emily and Ice Truck Killer. Can we get a killer puppet on set?

2:08PM EST: Evan (American Psycho Lite) still has Lady Drumstick and Lily hostage, while Detective Clarice Starling, Holden, and all the grips and PAs who weren't doing anything at the time wait right outside the door. At one point Lady D yells "Bang Bang Bang you're dead!", which needs to get the YTMND treatment, stat. 

2:05PM EST: Luke and Noah are back at the Central Perk, where Luke finds Noah chowing down on a sandwich. Luke asks if his milkshake banana split wasn't enough to satisfy him, and Noah says there's "no substitute for four different kinds of meat." Luke accuses him of sublimating an acute oral fixation. Noah admits that he thinks about pork beef brisket sex all the time and asks Luke if he does, too.

My goodness, what's going on here? Multiple food/sex gags, including one reference to the hot tub orgy that wasn't? What is this, a Carry On movie?

Actually, before we get started can we take a moment to rhapsodize about how hot yesterday's scenes between Lady Drumstick and the American Psycho Lite were? The veiled phonecall to Lily was just about the hottest thing I've ever seen. It was so Jumpin' Jack Flash ... can't wait to see them on the roof!