Liveblogging As the World Turns: "O Captain! My Captain!" Edition

Does everyone remember that moment in the movie Dead Poets Society where the kid who cheated on Uma Thurman stands up on the desk and starts yelling poetry at Patch Adams?

Well, today's Very Special Episode of As the World Turns promises to be similar in more than one regard. For one, the schoolboy's shouted phrase, "O Captain! My Captain!", is oddly appropriate for today's episode, in which Luke and Noah go to visit the insidious Captain Pervy in the clink. (Captain Pervy, remember, is Noah's father who killed his hooker mom and then felled his boyfriend with a near-fatal strawberry Toaster Strudel to the forehead.)

And secondly, one of the key elements of that scene in Dead Poets was that the teen in question was adorable. No, sorry, that's not it ... oh, right, he STOOD UP. Not to spoil anything, but methinks we may have a jailhouse pre-Thanksgiving miracle on our hands ... at any rate, I hope that today's climactic scene ends up looking more like this ...

And less like this ...

Click through the jump (at the top, don't ask why) and refresh often for breaking updates!

Let's get moving ...

2:57PM EDT: Preview Time!

Okay, no Nuke in the preview, but we know they'll be there stuffing their faces with the rest of the Snyder clan. We do get glimpses of Lily kissing Dusty and Austin From Days getting a chafing dish full of mashed potatoes in the face. Hope that wasn't hot! We'll be back tomorrow with all the fixins...

2:55PM EDT: Back at the No-Tell Hotel, Holden asks Lily to come to Pity Me Pines for Thanksgiving, and just at that moment the bellboy delivers some ill-timed "Thanks for the hot hausfrau hooker sex" flowers from Dusty, which cools things considerably.

Meanwhile, Noah takes one last opportunity to give Captain Pervy a piece of his mind before he's taken off. He tells him he's making his own decisions and living his own life now. Luke, back in his chair, nods sagely.

2:47PM EDT: Luke explains to his parents that he was just so mad that he forgot that he was Temporarylized ® and he says that people don't have to lie to get what they want, and there's a beeping noise.

Oh, it's just Lily's Whore Alarm going off!

Noah offers to drive Luke home and Holden and Lily leave, and suddenly the bald guy from Weird Science and The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 walks in. He's some kind of military upper-up and Noah is instantly nervous and is too scared to introduce Luke as his boyfriend. General Weird tells Noah that he doesn't need to be ashamed of who he is, and Luke quips "as long as he doesn't try to join the military". General Weird says that maybe that will change someday soon too.

Um, WHAT?!

I guess that's the end of the Army recruitment ads that used to run during this show!

2:42PM EDT: Luke's big moment is even hotter the second time...

Luke: "I love your son! And we're together! And we're not afraid to let the world see that! ... This is right, me and Noah together and you locked up in a prison where you belong!"

WORRRRRRK...

2:40PM EDT: Meanwhile, ITK steps out of RA HK's room and smack into the most annoying couple of new parents ever. Delivery from Central Casting, who ordered the smug yuppies with a side of entitlement?

Commercial. I'm rewinding to watch Luke's white-hot Miss Celie At the Dinner Table At the End of The Color Purple Moment again. Sofia home now!

2:35PM EDT: Vitalis Man and Jordana have a big blow-out when he confronts her about sleeping with the Ice Truck Killer, who is meanwhile with RoseAnne HechKowski in the hospital.

Ooh!

Pervs tells Noah he's throwing his life away on a piece of trash like he did!

Luke throws down and tells him that's enough!

Pervs says he's not going to sit and listen to a pervert lecture him!

Luke STANDS UP and READS CAPPY'S ASS. Woo-hoo! It's seriously awesome and I want someone to make a YTMND with this spittle-spewing, fang-baring moment of absolute brilliance. Noah fends off Cappy when he lunges for Luke and then realizes ... he's still standing!

2:29PM EDT: Holy cats, they dug up one of those awesome Liz Taylor White Diamonds ads from circa 1986 for the holiday shopping season. Ghost of Christmas Past, indeed!

2:24PM EDT: Holden and Lily are gabbing about one of my favorite Drew Barrymore films, Irreconcilable Differences, when Luke calls in a panic. He needs his dad right away. We cut to Noah walking into Detective Clarice Starling's office (she's off picking up more L'air du Temps), where Captain Pervy, looking moisturized and well-rested, sits inside wearing this season's hottest prison color.

Cappy, in true sociopath form, tells Noah that he was trying to save him from that deviant boy.

Suddenly, Luke wheels in!

Luke tells Noah that if they're together, they're in it all together. Noah takes his hand and tells Caps that Luke is staying.

"Stay away from my live gay son!"

Lily and Holden watch through the window!

2:18PM EDT: Okay, scratch that bit from earlier about another hot doctor, and make it Hot Lab Tech. Eli, to be specific. Although when Eli snaps at Vitalis Man about breaching doctor-patient confidentiality, his Southern accent slips through and he winds up sounding like Feathers from Unicorn Planet. Just sayin'...

Anyway, Vitalis Man bribes Feathers into giving up the results of Jordana Brewster's DNA paternity test. Bitch!

2:14PM EDT: Luke: So ... I'm your boyfriend now?

Noah: Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Luke says he wasn't sure where things stood and that he wishes he knew they were prom dates back when he could actually consummate the relationship. Noah says that for a writer Luke has no imagination, entirely missing Luke's clever slippage of the "where things stood" metaphor into his Temporalysis ® grousing. Not quick enough, Mayer!

Noah gets a call from the Hot Cop that Captain Pervy is being transported and Noah's all, "what does that have to do with me, my only living relative being carted off to Emerald City or whatever?" Luke tries to talk him into going to visit Cappy, for some much needed closure.

2:05PM EDT: Holden catches Lily doing the Walk of Shame at the hotel.

Meanwhile, back at Pity Me Pines, Luke is playing the Woe-Is-Me card and refusing to try and stand up again, despite Noah's "Shelby, drink the juice!" urgings. Wait, weren't we here at this exact same point about 6 weeks ago? Am I going to buy Halloween candy again?

Noah, in a snappy new haircut, tells Luke that he doesn't want a boyfriend with a perpetually soggy diaper, and Luke looks at him like he's taking that as a compliment. Kids these days!

Blah blah RoseAnne HecheKowski blah blah coma blah blah baby blah Hey -- ANOTHER hot doctor?!

2:00PM EDT: Okay, so on Bold and the Beautiful someone just shot and apparently killed an elderly lesbian in a white suit on an abandoned fashion show runway. Heck, her outfit wasn't THAT bad...