Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Ransom? I don't even KNOW 'em!

Oh I keed, I keed ... of course Luke knows who's being ransomed by Zee insidious Twins: It's his boo, Noah Mayer! But a little kidnaping is no reason to pass up a perfectly good bad "don't even know 'em!" joke, nosiree.

In today's episode (and are you getting comfortable yet? Because we're going to be seeing a loooooooot of one another this week, my Skittles...) Luke takes the ransom note to the Jokedale PD for some red tape and mishandling. But will our spritely young hero resort to taking matters into his own hands?

To find out, follow along below, refreshing for breaking updates! 

GIMME BACK MY NOAH!

2:08PM EDT: Luke is accusing Damian of ruining his life ... it must be Tuesday! He and Gilded Lily run off to the police station ... I'd like to think that they're going to pay a parking ticket, but I unfortunately think they actually expect the cops to solve this crime.

Meanwhile, over at the office, Holden and Damian continue their "mine's bigger than yours!" slapfight, which of course goes pretty much nowhere. And at the hospital, Butters is trying to communicate with a quiet older guy named "Mister Pants" when Ali comes in and they start to bicker about Jade. Ali: "You slept with Jade before me but why would I be jealous of her?!" Cue the overturned candy dish.

Luke tells Detective Clarice Starling about the fake texts and such, and Luke eventually produces the ransom note. Oh that, right! Yeah, didn't think that was important. Damian and Holden come in and Luke yells, "I'll give you the damn money, just tell me where Noah is!"

Over at the warehouse, Zoe tells Zac that he'll soon "get what's rightfully his" ... so he's the Grimaldi?

Luke wants to pay the ransom but Clarice isn't down with it and she makes Damian wait outside while she discusses how she's going to mess up the investigation with Luke and his parents. 

2:21PM EDT: Clarice: "Don't pay the ransom, the ransom, the ransom." Luke: "I must pay the ransom, the ransom, the ransom!"

Clarice tells them not to hand over any cash until they have "proof of life", and Luke looks really upset. Understandably. Damian tells him that he has to believe him when he says he had nothing to do with this and Luke says he wishes he could.

Back at Zee Lair, Noah mumbles for water through his tape, and Zac gives him some. He says he can't breathe through he tape and Zac spills the beans that the Foundation money was "stolen" from them.

In a car, Butters talks to Mr. Pants about how he entertained the idea of shtupping Ali in the storage closet but that he opted against it, and Mr. Pants yanks the key out of the ignition and throws it out the window, telling him to call her. He calls Ali to come help him look for his keys, and she's all, "I'm studying, but why don't you have Jade come and find them with her METAL-DETECTING VAGINA?!"

When Mr. Pants plays all helpless senior to her she changes her tune.

Zoe ambushes Luke in Olde Towne and he's all, "hey, remember that text that you sent on Noah's behalf? I'm starting to think that Noah didn't send it!" He tells her about the ransom note and about the Foundation money, and how he thinks it's Damian behind it. He also tells her that the cops told her not to pay the ransom. She of course tries to convince him otherwise and he's all, "Okay, I didn't ask, Emily the Strange". As he leaves she touches her Pisces charm meaningfully.

At the PD Clarice is still pretending that she's helping, and Damian mentions the hacker username again. He also asks Lily to put Holden back in his cage. Oh, and they found Damian's fingerprints on the ransom note! Ooooh CHIT!

2:28PM EDT: Okay, Noah is tied up in a basement being molested by his boyfriend's cousin, and Butters and Ali's big drama is finding car keys so that they can take an old guy back to the nursing home before Jell-O time?

Zoe comes back and tells Zac that they're going to tell Luke where Noah is. But before she can, we have a WHITE HOT flashback from Luke of his and Noah's first time (or at least the foreplay). Love it! He's jostled back to the present by a frantic text from "Noah", and Luke's reaction is PRICELESS. Seriously, someone turn that into an animated GIF!

He runs out to find him. 

2:33PM EDT: Butters just called Ali a "pretty great mess" but I think he meant "hot mess". She of course finds the keys, but when they get back to the car Mr. Pants is gone. Ha! Peepaw on the lam!!

Lily and Holden have retired to Java to discuss the case loudly in public. Lily calls Luke to see if he wants them to bring him a coffee and is worried when there's no answer .... "Huh ... Luke always has a second cup of coffee at home..."

Of course, Luke makes it to Noah and is just about to free him when Zee Twins pop out with a gun. 

2:38PM EDT: OMG, Zoe just pistol-whipped Luke! He's out cold ... but more importantly, Mr. Pants is alive ... and eating a burger at Yo's!

2:41PM EDT: Damian points out to Clarice that the Grimaldi family has many branches, and that he doesn't need the money, and that the kidnapers could just as easily have gone after Lily's money. Wait, did the ransom note say "we only want Damian's money" or something?

Oh, Zoe is the Grimaldi after all ... what was that bit about earlier? Luke and Noah are tied up back-to-back and Zee Twins are making out again. Alright, can the Natural Born "Listen to the Killers" routine...

Wait, when did Zee Twins have time to send Lily and Holden another ransom note?! 

2:48PM EDT: Holden calls Clarice to tell her that Luke has been kidnaped as well, and she actually says, "Well, we're already looking for Noah, and Luke's probably with him, so we're ahead of the game!" Thanks, Detective Brightside!

Grimaldi Grimaldi meow meow birthright meow meow ... Zoe's all soapboxy about how her branch of the family is better than his. Um ... how did Luke steal her birthright, exactly? This is worse than Kings...

Clarice asks Damian to educate her about the hundred years of Grimaldi bad blood, and nothing could be less interesting to me...

Oh, wait - Mr. Pants dances with Ali. I stand corrected!

2:56PM EDT: If Folger's is going to make me twitch like a Riverdancer, I'll stick to Chock Full O' Nuts, thanks!

Ali tells Butters that she's almost out of excuses for not having sex with him. Which is as close to a tender moment as those two are likely to get.

Zoe and Zac leave Nuke for a minute. Both the boys look like they've been rubbed with pork chops ... but I could just be hungry. They have a make-up session (not make-out - they are back-to-back) and Luke apologizes for not believing Noah and admits that he owes the Malteaser a huge apology when they get free.

Luke says that there's nowhere he'd rather be than here, with him ... um, let's not go too far, Luke. They tell one another that they love each other and clasp dirty hands. Aw....

Lily says she's paying the ransom ...

Preview Time! Security camera footage! No Nuke, but we have a feeling they'll appear at some point...