Liveblogging "As the World Turns": The return of Jade

Yesterday we learned that Luke's cousin and former BFF Jade is back ... and she's bringing an armed robbery rap with her! Couldn't she just come back from Miami with bad braids and a "Wish You Were Here" postcard with guys in thongs on it like a normal person?

Yes, the troublemaker has outdone herself by getting tangled in some sort of burgling situation in Miami and is now hiding out in the Lily Snyder Home for Wayward Gay Teens, Closeted Men of a Certain Age, Cancer Survivors and Felons.

Of course it'll be interesting to see if Jade pulls Luke into her felony drama ... but for me the real question is, how will Jade play into the ongoing drama with Peepaw Wheatley?

Click through the jump and refresh often to find out ... as it happens!

Now where is that bad penny, anyway?

2:55PM EST: The bad news is, they're extraditing Jade back to Miami and she probably won't get bail there because she's a flight risk, and the guy that made her be his accomplice is a career criminal. The good news is, at least Luke is an equal-opportunity screwup! He whines that he even craps the bed when he's trying to do the right thing and skulks off.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Kardashian is going to have her son committed and Dusty has fixed his scrubs, and they bring in Meg's baby, on a bun. Kidding! She's fine now. Although that gave ample opportunity for the hospital to switch the baby, Omen-style. Its real mother is a jackal! 

Preview Time!: More Jade, but no Nuke. And Meg's baby in peril! Again!

2:49PM EST: Oh, and the Snyder Family bounty hunters deliver Jade to the fuzz and they immediately cart her off for processing. Oops! 

2:46PM EST: Alright, are we ready to weigh in on NuJade yet? I'm not sold, to be honest. She's a little ... undercooked. But she might hit her stride yet, we'll see... 

Ice Truck Killer tells the doctor that his dad made him take the pills and does this weird thing with his tongue while saying it, then has a giggling fit. Back in Meg's room she's convinced that there's a problem with her baby and Dusty tries to talk her down, and she explains that she was going to take the baby away from Paul forever and she blames herself for putting it in danger. 

I like how Dusty's wearing his paper smock thingy off-the-shoulder. Very Sheena Easton. 

And ITK keeps asking for his dad and stumbles out into the hallway and gives a scream the likes of which I haven't heard since Miss Schuster looked out the window and saw all those dead kids on the playground in The Swarm. 

2:38PM EST: Jade comes back from her shower and Luke tells her he only has $40 and they should go to the ATM at the grocery store and then he can lend her his car. Then he fakes losing his keys and they look under the couch cushions. Maybe he'll find his libido under there!

He luckily stalls long enough for Lily and Bonnie to teleport into the house and Jade turns on Luke: "How could you?!" 

Meanwhile they're gonna give Ice Truck Killer a stomach-pump. The nurse goes to put the tube up his unconscious nostril and suddenly he totally spazzes out - it's really pretty hot. And Meg's baby has teleported out of her mommyparts and the nurses whisk her out of the room, saying they have to run some tests on her before Meg can see her. Oh chit!

Back at the Pad, Luke explains to Lily and Bonnie what we've already heard. Bonnie goes off to see what she can do at the PD and Jade says she'll be right behind her. She's pissed at Luke for tricking her but he says he just didn't want her dead. Lily hugs her and tells her to ease up on Luke, and goes off to tell Holden.

Jade calls Luke a goody-goody and he says that phase is over, and explains getting kicked out of school and rigging the election and they have a good laugh. Good times! 

Wait, whodat?!

2:27PM EST: Luke demands that Jade tell him everything and says that if she doesn't tell him the truth he's calling the cops himself. She says that she hooked up with this guy at a club in Miami and that he held up a drugstore and made her drive the getaway car at gunpoint and that she ran.

Luke says that he's glad she came there and for a second I think he's kidding. He says he can help and she thinks he's giving her money but he wants to go to the cops with her and says his folks will help with legal fees, but she's not having it. He insists that she's innocent but she is afraid of going to jail and tries to bolt.

Luke says he'll get her the money and sends her up to his room to chill out. As soon as she's gone Luke calls Lily and she says to stall Jade as long as he can. Considering Oakdale can be traversed in less than a second when needed, I can't imagine that it should take long for her to get there.

Meanwhile, Meg's at the hospital huffing and puffing and ITK wakes up on the gurney. 

2:18PM EST: Back at the Pad, Luke asks Jade what she's been up to and why she's been "a total jerk" for not calling. Ha! It takes Jade about 4.5 seconds to ask Luke for money for her adoptive parents' house and he immediately smells a lie and tells her he's sick of being treated like he's an idiot, then tells her he's there for her. Good cop AND bad cop! Hold your water, Sybil.

Meanwhile, Josie gets Mrs. K to go to the hospital and Meg does CPR on Ice Truck Killer until Dusty arrives. She tells him her water broke but she won't leave her OD'd husband.He picks her up and carries her out, leaving ITK on the floor. At least he could close the door - there's a draft!

2:13PM EST: Okay, I don't hate babies, I really don't. But does anyone else get the serious creeps from that Pampers "Silent Night" ad? I'm totally expecting it to be about crib death or flammable snugsies or something.  Every time. I'm not too quick on the uptake. 

"You don't have to be a man to love Manwich"? Or a witch, either? You just have to be okay with wearing some of your dinner on you. Oh God, are the ATWT writers moonlighting in jingles now?! 

Wawawah, why is Will Smith kissing Letterman on the cheek and talking about their "honeymoon" in the promo for tonight's show? Has Dave totally lost his marbles? 

Oh, and Meg is crying on the phone to Dusty. Blahblahblah. Oh, contraction! Josie just wants her dessert. 

2:08PM EST: We start out with Lily talking to what is apparently an empty room ... until Bonnie steps into the shot. She wishes she could understand Jade better. 

Meanwhile, Jade is back at the Lily Pad admiring the "old family photos" that the prop department had to hastily take in order to accommodate the new actress ... when she hears something and runs outside. Luke walks in and sees her standing outside and he throws open the door and hugs her. 

Bonnie tells Lily to call Luke and Holden to warn them. Oops! Too late!

Meanwhile Dusty finds Josie and her pussycat counting money at the diner, and she explains the magic of holiday cheeseballs (church!) and keeping up one's protein, and he asks her if she knows what "brisket" means. Um, they're really not talking about food, are they... Eew, he just said "brisket" again. 

Meanwhile meanwhile the Remaining Mrs. Kardashian is giving the cute concierge at the hotel a hard time, and Meg's water is about to break all over her unconscious husband. Who hasn't been there, right?