Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Alley of the Dolls

Are we ready for some more pill-popping, gay-killing Oakdale fun?

Okay, there may not actually be any more pill-popping and hopefully our remaining gays will remain ... well, remaining. But today things take a turn for the sordid when Luke and Noah become convinced that Butters' jailhouse bride, Matt!, is running a pills-and-dope ring out of Oakdale General. Granted, that wouldn't be terribly difficult to pull off considering that the vending machines and nurse station candy dishes are stocked with Vicodin, but whatever.

Will the boys get to the bottom of who's supplying the dolls that Reg bought from Elle Woods in the alley behind Yo's?

To find out how things play out as they happen, follow along below and refresh often for breaking updates. Program Note: In a slight change of format, today's liveblog entries will read top-to-bottom (INSERT JOKE HERE) in chronological order, which will hopefully make reading easier. Let us know if it works.

Take that, Helen Lawson!!

2:00PM EST: As a New Yorker, I'd just like to say that I have never had an eyeball dropped into my coffee by a bird like just happened in that CSI commercial. But I have gotten "mystery fluid" in my mouth. Oh, stop it!

2:06PM EST: Holden skips into Oakdale General to find Lily pilfering the dispensary hanging out after Lady D's radiation. She tells him that Luke it in trouble ... again!

Cut to Luke pretending to be Elle Wood's probation officer on the phone in an attempt to get access to the guest log at Elle Woods' dorm. No dice. Noah comes in with a cup of coffee (natch) and tells Luke to cool his jets for the 2,493rd time. Luke silences him with a reminder that Reg is dead.

Over at the diner, Ali has a flashback to seeing Butters shirtless. Hey, that happens to me, too! The two of them get into a tiny tiff and then Matt! shows up, out of breath. Butters is all, "hey, are you out of breath because you just ran here from SELLING CRACKS TO PRE-SCHOOLERS?!" Ali's all, "Step, Hughes!"

2:15PM EST: Butters tells Ali that this is an A-B conversation and she can C her way out of it. Matt!'s all, "hmm, Butters never has a second cup of coffee at home..." and decides that Butters is mad at himself at messing things up with Ali.

Meanwhile Jade is in the alley arguing with Derek and Butters stumbles past, not wanting to talk to her.

Back with Gilded Lily and Holden, they basically recap last week's episodes. This is like one of those prescription medication ads where they try to make all the legally-required warnings seem conversational by having a few gals chat about side effects at a cocktail party. "Constipation and dizziness may occur, girl!"

Back at the Lily Pad Noah suggests that there may be a better way to do right by Reg, like maybe setting up a drug program or hotline with the Luke Snyder Foundation for Kids Who Don't Read Good. Hey, that's the smartest thing I've heard anyone say all week!

Aaaaaand cue Butters. He tells them that he thinks that Matt! is "M".

2:26PM EST: Butters suggests that they set up Matt! for a fake drug deal to catch him in the act. Hey, worked before! Or not. Butters also has a suggestion who they could use as the bait. Any guesses who?

Jade gets the call and Derek tells her not to jump just because Butter says "jump". She's like, "jump THIS, Derek" and leaves. 

Lily tells Holden that doesn't even recognize Luke anymore. Which is funny because Luke should be the one who doesn't recognize Lily, right? They hint that Luke might have some long-buried anger issues to work out, and a neon sign goes off above Holden's head that reads DAMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

Jade tells Luke he's in way over his head and Noah's all, "CHURRRRCH!" She's not keen on playing junkie to Matt! but they say that she's perfect because he doesn't know her. She says, "sure, I'll do it." That was easy!

Noah's Jealous Ex Sensors are tingling, and he asks if Butters and Jade might have alterior motives?

Lily and Holden come home and Noah and Luke are sitting on separate couches. Right away Noah's all, "Luke's having another Nancy Drew episode!" and Luke gives him a classic OHNOYOUDIDN'T look.

Jade makes small-talk with Matt! at the bar. She asks if he has anything "stronger" than beer to "lift her spirits". He says they don't offer food that early. Atta boy - solve problems with chicken wings! She drops another cinder-block of a hint...

2:40PM EST: Oooh, Mad Holden! He lays into Luke for his vigilante moves while Noah stands there looking really uncomfortable. 

Meanwhile, Ali interrupts Jade and Matt!'s non-drug-deal and she and Jade kind of have it out. Derek appears out of nowhere and prepares to go Holden on her.

Over at Oakdale PD, Detective Clarice Starling gets the details about the plant on Elle Woods from Luke and Noah, who have apparently been dragged there by Holden. Wait, isn't Luke already free and clear on all this? Clarice asks the hundred-dollar question: So where did these planted drugs actually GO, anyway? My money's on the writers' room!

2:45PM EST: Luke and Noah say they don't know where the drugs are and Clarice wonders if maybe her son sold them for extra cash. Nice vote of confidence! Then she lays back into Luke for obstructing justice and habeus corpus and CSI and some other crap. She lets them go on THE ONE CONDITION that they never see one another again. Wait, sorry - that's Heavenly Creatures. Here she just wants Luke and Noah to drop it. Suurrrrrre, that'll happen.

Clarice gets home and when she sees that Butters isn't there she picks up his backpack from the couch. Wait, Butters IS there, but he's trapped in a photo frame on the desk! Oh wait, that's just a picture. She knocks over the photo and rifles furiously through his bag, and finds ... THE MISSING DOLLS!

Butters comes in and she demands to know what's going on, and he insists he doesn't know ... but Ali (who just walked up to the door) might!

Dun-Dun-DUNNNNNNNNN!

2:54PM EST: Back at the Lily Pad Mad Holden lays into Luke again. He tells him he needs to figure out what to do with his life, which at this point is a big waste. As Luke glowers, Holden tells him to get over Reg's death and focus on getting his life together. 

Over at Java, Jade is having coffee and Matt! comes by to tell her to let Butters know that he's going to get him back for this.

And Holden mentions Damien to Lily, and says maybe he's been too easy on Luke since Luke picked him over his birth father. Outside, Luke tells Noah he can't believe he narced on him again, and when Noah says that he was trying to help, Luke says that sounds like something from "Holden Snyder's Handbook for Delinquent Children"- HA! I know a great foundation that would be a perfect match for that.

Luke tells Noah that his own experience with addiction makes what happened to Reg all the more personal for him. He says that he can't just let this go and tells Noah that if he doesn't know that, maybe he doesn't know him at all. SNAP!

2:56PM EST: Wait, was that a cliffhanger ending? Are we really supposed to be concerned that Ali might have something to do with this?

Preview Time! No Nuke, but Butters punches out Matt! and Henry and Cafe Vienna talk about a leaflet. THRILLING!