In the closing moments of Friday's As the World Turns, all was not well on Backpack Mountain for gay teen couple Luke and Noah. In fact, Luke was squarely in the cross-hairs of Noah's homophobic father's hunting rifle. Now, we know from the previews that the insidious Captain Pervy's Match Point-lite plans don't go off quite as he'd intended, but we'll have to see exactly how things go down in today's cliffhanger resolution.

Will Noah come back with the nonexistent tacklebox in time to see his father try to kill his new love? Will Lily stop keening over Dusty's motionless body long enough to call for help? And will Maddie ever get off of the same town square corner that she's been haunting like the ghost of a Victorian streetwalker?

Click through the jump to find out (refresh for breaking updates, and start at the bottom if you come late to the party!) ...

Locked and loaded, and away we go!

2:56PM EDT: Preview Time! Nada. Nothing of Luke or Noah in the preview for tomorrow's ep, although we hear there will be at least a little something (UPDATE: Can't confirm anything, so maybe there won't be any Nuke on Tuesday after all...). So we're left with no real news of Luke at this point aside from the vague mention of surgery to remove the strawberry filling from his forehead. Anyone else think that Captain Pervy may show up to try to finish him off in the hospital, Mrs. Blaylock-style?

We'll pass on more when we have it!

2:53PM EDT: Clarice enters and gives Noah, who volunteers all the info he has, the third degree. This lady means business! Noah notes that his dad could survive in those woods for days, and that he has nowhere to go anymore.

Noah apologizes to Lily and Holden and Lily realizes he didn't see any of this coming. Holden turns on her and says, "but you did!" Snap!

2:45PM EDT: And there's a Pillsbury Toaster Strudel commercial, right on cue.

Clarice Starling is serving a footlong guilt sandwich to Dusty in the hospital. Kick him when he's down!

Hey -- Phil Simms from the New York Giants is on as a guest star! (Did that sound like I knew what the hell I was talking about?)

We cut to Noah, Holden and Lily in the hospital, where Luke has already gone into surgery. Noah sits alone, crushed.

2:37PM EDT: Noah, Holden, and Lily are gathered around Luke. Holden calls the cops and says, "My son is hurt -- he's got a gash in his forehead and is bleeding pretty badly ... or has inadvertently gotten a little filling from a strawberry Toaster Strudel on his face."

2:34PM EDT: Alright, let me just use this commercial break to say how stoked I am that Luke fought back against Pervs, and wasn't just a damsel-in-distress for the straight folks, or even for Noah.

Holden has Pervs pinned to the ground! Guess he missed! "What have you done to my son?!"

Lily finds Luke down the hill, lying peacefully in the autumn leaves with a teeny tiny smudge of red goo on his forehead.

Holden gets the gun from Pervs! Noah asks what he did, and Pervs says he did it all for him. Pervs runs off and Noah screams after him to "tell me what you did!" Okay, now, I know Noah isn't the sharpest crayon in the box, but didn't he just see everything happen with his own eyes? Do we need to bring in John Madden for the play-by-play?

Luke is still motionless, and Lily and Holden try to wake him...

2:28PM EDT: They just said "diorama" two more times. When Austin From Days says it it sounds a little dirty.

Clarice is still lecturing MP2.0, in her cheap shoes...

Lily and Holden are still running around in the woods like this is a community theatre production of The Blair Witch Project. Captain Pervy hears them and runs toward Luke for a better shot, of course revealing that they've been standing about 30 feet from the tent the whole time.

Pervs raises his gun in Luke's face! Luke is stunned...

YESSS!!! Luke attacks Pervs and wrestles him for the gun! Atta gay!

Pervs throws off Luke just as Noah tries to intervene. Lily and Holden jump in, Pervs knocks Holden back, and shoots at him!

2:20PM EDT: Captain Pervy tries to shoot Luke, but his gun jams!! (Insert Viagra joke HERE)

2:18PM EDT: That great Herbal Essences commercial was on, the one where the hot chick with the flowing locks turns around and turns out to be a biker guy with a goatee. Reminds me of a great Onion article from years back with the headline "Dude Totally Looked Like Chick from Behind"...

QOL just admitted to loving the word "diorama". We finally agree on something. Then she chirps to her son, "there's fruit in the crisper!" People actually say "crisper"?! Her stock is up with me.

Detective Clarice Starling and Matthew Perry 2.0 are talking in the police office. I love that the standard-issue paper coffee cup in Oakdale is the kind that you get at any deli or coffee cart in Manhattan. What a coink!

Dusty is giving the cop the blow-by-blow on the shooter.

Lily and Holden can't find Luke and Noah, even though they've found the tent. By this point I get the feeling they couldn't find their own heineys with both hands.

Captain Pervy is really taking his time in getting this shot off. Luke tells Noah that he's an excellent camper: "I am one with nature!" Noah steals his cap and runs off with it, and Pervs finally gets a clear shot: "That's the last time you're ever gonna touch my son!" ...

... and cut to a shirtless, bulging, sweaty Rusty Joiner in a pain reliever commercial. Perfecto!

2:05PM EDT: The Quaker Oats Lady is doing a crafting project with her kid and her hands shake when she picks up the scissors. This is getting to be so Beaches...

2:02PM EDT: Dusty is in the hospital and tells a cop that he was shot by Captain Pervy. Well, that's taken care of!

Lily and Holden rush toward Backpack Mountain. Will they make it?!

Pervs lines up his shot on Luke: "Shoulda kept your distance, boy!"

Suddenly, Noah enters the shot, putting his arm around Luke. Pervs drops his gaze. Luke and Noah talk, and Luke says he's a bit creeped out by Pervs. Luke and Noah are about to kiss, and Luke says that Pervs may be coming back and maybe they don't want to press their luck. They pull apart and Pervs takes his shot again...