Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Storyline Overboard!

When we last left Nuke, Noah was all Gay Action Hero, jumping aboard a drifting speeding boat to save his sham bride from going back to Iraq while his boyfriend fought for his life in some Brooklyn crackhouse.

Ah, romance.

We're back today for the exciting conclusion of this story, and I have to say I hope that the show channels a bit of the criminally underrated Overboard in wrapping it up. What would be better than Ameera falling over the rail and forgetting that she was a total buzzkill married to a gay guy, only to wind up playing housewife to a filthy bunch of poison oak-prone rednecks? Actually, it would be better if Noah fell overboard, hit his head and forgot that HE was a total buzzkill who treats his boyfriend like crap ... and wound up playing housewife to a filthy bunch of poison oak-prone rednecks.

Will they make it off the boat alive? Will Roddy MacDowell prepare the caviar to their liking? And will Luke play the part of the "Falsetto child"?

Click on through the break and refresh to find out as this action-packed climax spins out of control! 

"Eat your checkers!" 

2:55PM EDT: Noah asks Coyle for a minute to say goodbye to Ameera, and he tells her that he's going to get her out of this. She tells him that she's scared, and they haul her off.

Noah glares at Luke and walks away, and Luke just stands there with the most incredulous look on his face. And appropriately so, because Noah's being a complete asshat. Again. 

Shirtless Holden! But only from the neck up? Unfair! Meanwhile, Parsley drew a picture of Holden and Quaker Oats Lady sets it up and stares at it in the kitchen. 

Preview Time!: No Nuke. But more shirtless Butters!!!

2:51PM EDT: Allison tells Aaron about what Hotprechaun said and that she doesn't think she can do it. And back at Oakdale Grace, when Hotprechaun tells Dr. Not-As-Dashing that he accidentally terrorized her in the locker room, he freaks out. Bonnie tells Allison that this just adds to their case.

Parsley or whatever her name is just told Quaker Oats Lady that she "looks weird". Ha!

Back on Law & Order: Special Gays Unit, Noah turns on Luke for getting the police involved. He thinks that he had everything under control and that Luke's getting pistol-whipped and spending three days in the same clothes isn't suitable sacrifice. Luke tells him that he "went through hell" and Noah says "you don't know what hell is!" Um ... have you met his family?

2:44PM EDT: Hotprechaun just gave Allison the whole "if you do this your whole life will be exposed and you'll be ruined" routine, and we had a hot After School Special camera pullback of her sitting alone in the locker room. What's next, a fully-clothed shower? 

2:38PM EDT: Noah and Captain Pervy hug. The police boat pulls up and Pervs immediately accuses Pervs of only having their Hallmark moment to stall for time. Noah's all, "I didn't invite them!" and Pervs pushes Noah down and Luke yells "Noah!" from the boat. Pervs turns and jumps off the boat, while a teary-eyed Noah looks on.

I'm sorry, but I think Noah needs to be put on just about every mood stabilizer that they advertise during this show, because he's a mess. 

Noah's all, "DAD! DAAAD!" into the water. Meanwhile, the cops tell Ameera that she's under arrest, and Noah's all, "You can't do that, she's my wife!" Okay, give him some of that yogurt that helps you poop while you're at it.

Quaker Oats Lady and Holden just got into a dishwashing fight. 

2:30PM EDT: Dr. Not-As-Dashing is trying to smooth things over for Hotprechaun by involving Lisa, the pretty lady of a certain age who owns Fashions. Are they going to start singing that "Pineapple" song from Cabaret now? Zzzzzzzz...

Meanwhile, Allison is in the locker room alone and Hotprechaun comes in, looking hotter than ever. I mean evil! Yes, more EVIL than ever. Sorry about that.

Captain Pervy tells Noah that he's impressed that his gay son got his gay ass on his not gay boat. Noah tells him he's taking Ameera and Pervs says that he's welcome to leave but Ameera is staying ... apparently there's some radical group in Iraq who wants Ameera and he's giving her to them, and he tells Noah that he doesn't know her as well as he thinks. Noah tells him that he'll have to kill him if he wants to take her.

Meanwhile, Luke and Drumstick get on the police boat and when Coyle tells them to get off Luke threatens to call the papers that the police would rather arrest a Gay college hid and his poor defenseless grandmother than catch an escaped felon. Uh ... apparently Luke doesn't read the NYC police blotter very often.

Back on the boat, Noah gets all emotional and teary-eyed saying that he'll do anything to protect Ameera and Pervs says that he's impressed by his son's resolve. Hey, Noah - remember that your boyfriend has been missing for ... oh, two days now? 

And more importantly, why have they been circling Ellis Island all day?!  

2:22PM EDT: It just occurred to me ... apparently the audience for this show is incredibly constipated, judging by all these ads for yogurt that helps you poop. Maybe we can shut up the AFA if we just spike their water coolers with Metamucil? 

2:19PM EDT: Gilded Lily tells Quaker Oats that she was right about everything, and she replies, "I have honestly never heard those words before". HA! I love her so much. She is taking a plate of ham and about 300 hotdogs outside and she runs into Holden in the doorway, and they have a steamy pause. Aren't you always carrying half a hog when you run into that cute guy you like? 

2:12PM EDT: Quaker Oats Lady makes a hasty exit once Holden is there, which doesn't escape Gilded Lily's attention. They have a loaded conversation about "letting the starter fluid soak through" and Holden tells her that she came to a conclusion about their relationship.

Back at the pier, Luke says he's going to wait for Noah, and Drumstick tells him that he has to sleep. Actually, how long has he been in NYC now? He must be a bit ripe. Coyle tells them that the boat hasn't left "the harbor", so they might sill be able to catch them.

Back on the boat, Pervs tells Ameera that they're going to be on the boat for quite a while, and Ameera panics, telling him that she can't go back to Iraq. What, are they planning on sailing there?!?! Pervs picks up that there's something going on with her and he grabs her and shakes her like a British nanny, until Noah stupidly jumps out of his hiding place with nothing but his pretty eyes to defend her.  

Meanwhile, Allison is looking into suing he hospital for Hotprechaun having her cut from the nursing program. Because nothing grabs the kids these days like a good lawsuit!

2:05PM EDT:  Quaker Oats Lady! Yaaaaay! It's been too long. Oh, so SHE's the person that buys already-popped bags of popcorn at the grocery store. I always wondered who the lazybones was. She and Gilded Lily are talking about how they're both too incompetent to light a grill (please do NOT let either of these women near lighter fluid!!).

Meanwhile, Luke is all of a sudden with Lady Drumstick and the REAL Agent Coyle (aka Justin from InTurn). Apparently a day has passed and Luke still can't find Noah, and he blames himself for everything ... of course!

We jump to the boat, where Captain Pervy is abusing the staff in true Goldie Hawn form. (He's still tacky.) We cut to Noah hiding under a table, and Ameera sees him. Mervs catches a glimpse of Noah and Pervs catches her and asks her what she was looking at.

We cut back to QAL and GL trying to set the house on fire. Holden gets pulled into it when GL calls him, meaning we'll have some hot triangle action. And literally split seconds later, Holden has picked up their daughters and he's there! What, is he The Doctor's new companion or something?! Time Lord Holden!