Liveblogging "As the World Turns": Take Me Out

After being kidnapped, shot and very nearly forcibly raped by a distant relative, there's nothing quite like our national pastime to restore one's faith in all that is good, American and performance-enhanced. So when Holden invites Luke and Noah to a baseball game in The Big City in today's episode for some R&R, nothing could possibly go wrong, right?

Riiiiiiiight? 

To find out if papa's attempts at bonding with the boys is a ... wait for it ... home run or a foul ball (ZING!) follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates! 

We wanna pitcher, not a belly-itcher!

2:09PM EDT: We start off with Cafe Vienna's percolator story, as Austin from Days tries to force-feed her a green muffin with hair. What is this, Whoville? They decide to go take a parenting class and film it ... without Henry! Cafe Vienna's like, uh-uh!

Over at the diner, Henry is taking an order from Dr. Not-As-Dashing, but he's distracted because he doesn't want to have kids. Happens to me all the time, kid.

Over at the Lily Pad, Lily and Holden reveal that Noah is staying with them as he recovers and Holden wants to take the boys to a baseball game. Lily: "Isn't it too soon?" Uh, they weren't kidnapped by Joe Torre, I think they'll be fine.

Lily turns down an invite to join them, which is impressive since Holden is holding her at gunpoint - put those biceps away, daddy!

Outside, Luke and Noah are lounging on the patio set (something wicker this way comes!) and flirting about how great it will be when they move in together, and they're about to kiss when Holden comes out and invites them to the game. Noah's psyched, and Luke tells him that he can get tickets to just about any game for any team with an animal in their name. Noah tells Luke that's he's got not one, but TWO great dads, the implied of course being that he couldn't even score one decent one. Holden comes back and says that the Cubs are away, but he might be able to get Lady Drumstick's jet and they can fly to NYC for the game. Sounds reasonable! What recession?

Over at Worldwide, Damian tells Lily that he's got to run to NYC for a meeting, and invites her along. She laughs, meaning she either finds this idea amusing or she forgot her line.

2:16PM EDT: Lily doesn't think it's a good idea to fly to NYC with Damian and his new haircut (is it just me, or are they making him look more like Luke?). He talks her into going by complimenting her on her looks and her French.

"Henry was just so weird when we were talking to that pediatric geneticist..." Hmm, Henry never has a second pediatric geneticist at home... 

Of course, Kim calls Dr. Not-As-Dashing to book the birthing class while he's still trying to order his tuna melt from Henry, and he spills the beans about the secret appointment. Henry knocks over a dish of pepperkakor and leaves.

2:30PM EDT: OMG, this woman they've found to play the childbirth coach is my new hero. She asks "who is the mother?" and they all open their hands. Well okay, not Austin. Once the camera rolls wackiness ensues, some of it actually not mined from Baby Mama. Come to think of it, when do we get to see Cafe Vienna peeing in Katie's sink?

In New York City, Damian congratulates Lily on being hot enough to distract their business contact enough to nail the meeting. Still got it, Lil!

Back to more baby stuff... the birthing coach tells Vienna that she shouldn't worry, that her body will not be viewed in a sensual way by anyone, not even Austin, who is camped out just south of her pepperkakor. He's not too sure he can do that, and starts yelling encouragements at her like she's going to shoot a football out at him or something. Henry storms in.

Meanwhile, Holden and Nuke are strolling around NYC and Holden takes his leave to go and find a restaurant that he once went to with Lily. He leaves Luke and Noah to their own devices, because they clearly can't be of any assistance here. I hope they show us what Luke and Noah do to occupy themselves ... my money's on antiquing! Of course, Lily has the same idea across town with Damian.

Holden is sitting outside in the cold at a cafe with an adorable waiter, and he calls Lily to tell her where he is, and of course she just happens to be AT THE SAME RESTAURANT, sitting about 4 feet away from him. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!

Holden makes the obvious Affair to Remember reference, and I'm wondering why Damian and Lily didn't borrow Lady D's jet? Lily asks where the boys are, and he says they're probably off in the Central Park Rambles or something, who knows - let's brunch! Of course, suddenly Damian pops up in the waiter's uniform with a tray of food and leers, "Can I interest Monsieur in today's special?" Okay not really, but that would have been hot. 

2:39PM EDT: I'm loving that Lily and Holden are sitting at a table with a lovely view of an electrician's van. 

Luke and Noah are wandering around and talking about how much they love NYC. Noah wants to move there, you know - all the great memories of the last time Luke was pistol-whipped there and Noah's dad died in the Hudson River. They talk about the future, and Luke points out that it's funny that now Noah is Mister Spontaneous and Luke is Captain Cautious. Ugh. I'm the Baron Barfed-Out from all this cutesiness.

Meanwhile, the world's hottest birthing coach has handed Blonde Obstacle the "Bot Baby", this screaming robot child that she says will die if they don't feed it. Wow, the 1997 Tamagachi craze finally makes it to Oakdale. And am I the only one who keeps hearing "Butt Baby" instead of "Bot Baby"? Oop - Henry just ran off with Katie's Butt Baby!!

2:49PM EDT: Luke and Noah are at first a bit thrown off that Lily and Damian are in NYC crashing Holden's lunch, but when they hear that Damain set up a meeting with Monsieur Laudelt, who is the biggest so-and-so in Foundations for Kids Who Can't Read Good, Luke is thrilled, and he thanks Damian for setting it up. Okay, the traffic is so loud that I can't make out half of what is being said, but either Holden invited them to come back on the plane with them or he told Damian that he wants to pray with him. And either they're cold or the restaurant is trying to make the crew order something or beat it, because this scene feels ruuushed.

"I can't believe Henry ran off with the Butt Baby!" Meanwhile, Henry has put Butt Baby to sleep by singing "Luck Be a Lady" to it. Nope, nothing strange about that! Blonde Obstacle puts it together that Henry is having a nervous breakdown, but then she gets all excited that some comedian named Sammy Litz is in town. Oh, it's their paleolithic gynocolagyst, or whatever! Ten bucks says he's opening for Lisa Lampinelli.

2:56PM EDT: At the private jetport, Luke tells Holden that he really wants to believe that the font of his seed isn't a total psycho, and Holden gives him a good-natured "good luck with all that". He and Lily make up and Noah goes to put his arm around Luke but his arm injury stops him - but he does it anyway and he kisses Luke on the cheek. Luke puts his head on Noah's shoulder.

Damian makes a mysterious phonecall to someone about an "enterprise" and how his involvement in it cannot be exposed. He wants to keep his private business private.

Someone say "Shmeglitz" one more time, PLEASE! 

Vienna is all "Henry, drink the juice!" and he gives her back the Butt Baby. He also says he's not giving Brad and Katie their baby when Vienna squeezes it out. Oops!

Preview Time: No Nuke, but they'll be back later this week!