Liveblogging "As the World Turns": The Nonstarter Wife

Today The Prettiest Little Plot Device This Side of Saint Olaf makes her farewell appearance, and although we shudder at the thought of the horrors that her presence has inflicted upon Luke and Noah (and us) over the past few months, we certainly don't begrudge her personally, and will be sad to see her go.

Knowing that today would be Ameera's last day on the show actually got me thinking of ways that she could have been kept in Oakdale. Here's what I came up with:

It is revealed that Captain Pervy actually IS her father, and that she is therefore a US citizen and Noah's half-sister. She gets a job at Java and continues classes at Oakdale U and eventually becomes involved again with Butters ... until Emily learns about their affair and devours her alive under a full moon.

or...

Ameera evades the feds by going undercover ... as a man. But in school she attracts the attentions of an ambitious young Hebrew Studies major played by Mandy Patinkin and she must decide whether to reveal her true self in the name of love. In the climactic scene, she pleads for the spirit of her lost father figure to guide her, belting, "Pervy, can you hear me?"

and finally...

Ameera is allowed to stay in Oakdale on the condition that she take care of Diet Juno, whose juvenile delinquency is out of hand. Will the two women from different cultures teach one another about letting go, fitting in, growing up, and being a kid again? You bet they will!

Of course, none of these things will happen, and apparently even a fairly smooth exit isn't enough to keep Luke and Noah from going at one another's throats like two housemates from the Bad Girls Club. How does it all go down? Click on through the jump and refresh to find out, as it happens! 

Gentlemen, start your wives...

2:55PM EDT: Noah says that he doesn't want to break up, and Luke says that he doesn't want to be with him, either. Noah again uses the "I've got a lot to sort out" line, and Luke points out that he even got his hopes up when he saw that Noah wasn't wearing his wedding ring, but now he thinks he just doesn't want to be with anyone.

Luke asks why he always ends up going after guys who don't want anything to do with him, and storms off.  

Preview Time!: No Nuke, but shirtless Butters and a porn revelation! 

2:50PM EDT: Back at the Snyder Home for Horned-Up Estranged Spouses, Holden and Gilded Lily get it on in the kitchen and then take it upstairs. 

Meanwhile, Encyclopedia Meg is hot on the Case of the Updosed Mrs. Kardashian. 

Holden just came downstairs shirtless to grab his sodas, but Quaker Oats Lady was there to catch him in all his middle-aged post-coital glory. Awww....

Noah is in full-on jealous mode, like he has any right to be. Luke tells him that there's nothing going on, but that Reg is a nice guy and it actually felt nice to be wanted by someone who isn't totally effed in the head, and Noah actually tears up a little and gets justifiably defensive. Luke asks if he really just wants to end it all right there. 

Whaddaya say, kids? Should they put this dog down here and now? 

2:38PM EDT: Henry just referred to Cafe Vienna as his "little wienerschnitzel". I guess that's better than his "little pepperkakor". Okay, neither's exactly flattering... and doesn't Henry know any food nicknames that don't sound like phallic references? This is making me a little uncomfortable.

I love that these two scenes (Henry and company and Holden/Lily/QOL) are supposed to be going on simultaneously less than 3 feet from one another yet neither appears behind the others. Ha!   

Luke and Noah walk outside and Luke tries to patch things up again and Noah starts to go on again about how he needs time and Luke tells him to shut up and that they're getting coffee together.

They teleport to Java and Noah finally gets around to the fact that he's jealous of Luke and his "new boyfriend". Luke finds it incredible that Noah even cares, but denies it all, and then gets a smirk and says, "but you came after me ... do you still want to be with me?" Alright, Luke - that's just a little mean. He definitely didn't meet with Reg to make Noah jealous, but now he's poking fun at Noah for reacting that way. Probably not a good idea... especially when Mayer's caffeinated! 

2:30PM EDT: Meg just realized that she sent Mrs. K on the best trip of her life.

Noah flips through paperwork and gives his professional opinion that Ameera is free. Um, really? She says she's not there to come between them anymore. Luke wishes her well in Los Angeles and tells her to send lots of pictures. Whah? So they're just letting her walk away? What happened to ICE being all super-suspicious and threatening to kick her out of the country? Maybe they don't recognize her without her head-wrap on.

She wishes them goodbye and tells them she hopes they have a happy life together. "Mwah-mwaaaaaah..." 

2:25PM EDT: Boring boring boooooooring ... Henry tries to convince Quaker Oats Lady to let him by into Metro but she ain't buying, and Holden and Gilded Lily go on their date. OMG - QOL just had her own ice-related makeout flashback!!! 

Meanwhile, General Foods International Coffees Cafe Vienna doesn't want Henry's "dirty money", meaning that it came from Bonnie, whom she calls a "maneater". Since when is Vienna one to turn down free money?! Wasn't she banging guys in the backs of limos for cheap jewelry just a month ago?!

2:17PM EDT: Meanwhile, Quaker Oats Lady comes to relieve Henry at his post and apologizes for not being able to pay him right away, and he responds by offering to buy the whole bar drinks all night (all four of them!), because he's filthy stinking rich.

Meanwhile, Luke shows up at the PD and apologizes to Ameera for putting her into custody, and Noah's all, "Uh-huh!" and she says it was okay. She also tells them that she's had the marriage annulled and Noah's all, "I don't regret marrying you!" Oh, save it, Mayer.

2:14PM EDT: Meg tells Ice Truck Killer that she forgot to pick up a movie but he says that there's pay-per-view and that they can ask Mrs. K what she wants to watch (how about ... Trainspotting?). But she's out cold already.

Oh crap! Special news breakin! Oh my hell - someone entered a Brooklyn school with a gun and they're evacuating it. Oh God that's effed. Please let nothing come of it. 

2:06PM EDT: Holden is putting ice into a pitcher of soda and pauses, flashing back to his make-out session with Quaker Oats Lady on the roadside. Oh, right - because he got ice for her hand. Not because she is a cold fish. On cue, QOL shows up to drop off Pre-Curse Edward Furlong and the two get all "we can't believe what we did even though we did it arghgghghgh" and she leaves. Just then Gilded Lily calls to remind him what an absentminded mother she is and Holden asks her out for dinner.

Meanwhile, Henry is working at Metro and Bonnie brings him a check for a ton of money, and Meg almost catches Sophie stealing morphine from her room switching out one of The Two Mrs. Kardashians' morphine for a stronger dose ... a dose that kills!

Luke calls Noah, who is at the police station with Ameera, who was just released. When Luke hears he says that he's coming right away and Noah's all, "eh, don't bother" and Luke says he's coming whether he likes it or not. You tell him, Luke!