Liveblogging "As the World Turns": The Wicked Stepfather

Oh, fine - Holden's totally not going to kill Luke. And in fact, Holden has been about as good a parent as any gay teen could hope for, supporting him unconditionally when he came out and even allowing his boyfriend to move into their home. But today Luke learns about his beloved stepdad's infidelities and his world is shaken to the core.

When Luke finds out that pops has been sowing his wild oats (with a woman who knows her way around a bowl of oatmeal, appropriately enough), will his faith in relationships be shattered forever? And more importantly, what the hell happened when Gilded Lily tried to mow the hussy down in yesterday's cliffhanger?!

Click on through the jump and refresh often to find out, as it happens! 

Let the chaos begin!

2:58PM EST: Holden comes by and Luke tells him that Lily doesn't want to see him, and neither does he.

But more importantly, Quaker Oats Lady has an amazing breakdown in the kitchen by herself, hurling a rock-candy glass against the counter and then bellowing like a freshly-speared rhino. I know I pick on her a lot, but seriously, NO other actress on this show could pull this off like she does. It's my favorite moment since her mascara breakdown last year.

Preview Time: Luke tells Noah, "there's nothing stopping us from having sex. So why don't we?" Amen! 

2:53PM EDT: Lily comes out (looking like she just stepped out of a salon, of course) and asks Luke to take her home. Holden asks if they can talk and she says he can talk to her lawyer. Chuurrrrrrrrrch!

Meanwhile, Quaker Oats Lady finally snaps and READS MP2.0 for being so high-and-mighty. He leaves. Double-Churrrrrrrrrch! Churrrch with a side of Churrrrrrrrrch!

Meanwhile, Dammit! is getting all syphilis-and-brimstone with Diet Juno and is telling her that she's taking her to get a lecture on STDs and birth control. She also wants her to be "One Less". When DJ goes to leave Dammit! tells her to tell Parker to "keep it in his pants". Yeah, I'm sure Spawn of Superwhore will be sure to pass that on!

Luke has gotten GL back to the Lilypad and when she says she doesn't want her issues to get between him and his dad, he tells her that this has changed everything. He's really upset. 

2:45PM EDT: Now Matthew Perry 2.0 is following Quaker Oats Lady around her house, yelling at her. Did they accidentally pick up Lily and Holden's pages?

Luke is not taking the news of Holden's affair well. He snaps at him, asking him how he could do this. Then he gives him the "I'm disappointed in you" routine and adds in a "I'll never understand this" stinger. This kid learned guilt from a pro!

2:40PM EDT: Gilded Lily comes out of her room to find Holden, MP2.0 and QOL squabbling, and starts in again with the dramatics. Oy! Thankfully, Holden gives her a "Shelby, drink the juice!" and sends her back to her room. Luke and Noah show up and Luke is all, "What have you done with my new mother?!" Noah makes a quick exit and Holden admits to Luke that he hurt his mom.

2:32PM EDT: Diet Juno gives her mom the "just the tip" defense and then begs her mom to hit her. What is wrong with these women?!

Austin From Days threatens Parker if he ever touches his daughter again and when Parker says "this isn't the Sopranos" AFD replies, "if you touch her again you're gonna be singing like a soprano." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he probably does already.

2:24PM EDT: Noah and Luke love Dammit! because she "makes a mean omelet" (what, was it scowling at them?) and is willfully breaking Gramma Emma's no-boinking rule. Luke actually points out that Uncle Jack must be loving having her around ... you know, because he's having the sex with her. Noah wonders if Emma might not cut them the same slack if they got caught knocking the boots under her roof. Luke admits to almost sneaking into Noah's room the previous night. Ooh! The little tramp. Of course before they can get around to doing anything he suddenly realizes that his parents are missing and calls them and finds out about the whole "your mom almost killed herself trying to murder her sister-in-law" thing. Buzzkill! 

Meanwhile, Dammit! smells whore on her daughter (takes one to know one!) and asks where she slept the night before. MP2.0 isn't buying Gilded Lily's story, so she tells him to step outside and ask Holden and QOL himself. I hope this is the wing of the hospital with the self-serve painkiller stations, because they're all gonna need some. 

2:16PM EDT: AFD just actually used the phrase "living in sin" to Dammit!. How Seventh Heaven. Meanwhile, Parker and Diet Juno are scrambling to get out of the house. Booo-ring. Holden and Quaker Oats Lady reconnoiter immediately outside Gilded Lily's room, where she's getting ready to spill the beans to MP2.0. She admits to trying to go all Steven King on QOL.

2:07PM EDT: We start off with some Austin From Days in underwear feeding croissants to The Blonde Obstacle in bed. That's the stuff. Soon enough they both realize that Diet Juno hasn't been home all night and is missing.

Meanwhile, Dammit! has made breakfast for Luke and Noah (who are at this point the only two men she hasn't slept with) and jokes that when she went to get the eggs there was a gay rooster sitting on them. Luke and Noah look suitably uncomfortable. When they reveal that they're not allowed to sleep in the same room, her advice is to break the rules. Because the Rachel Ray of homewrecker whores is really one to give parenting advice, right? 

We jump to the hospital, where Gilded Lily has been taken after driving into a wall. Holden goes in to talk to her and Quaker Oats Lady shows up to chat with Matthew Perry 2.0, who wants to know why she was there when it happened. GL has amnesia for 7 whole seconds before she remembers everything and starts screaming at Holden again. "Nope, two corpses, everything's fine!"

1:55P EDT: Actually, before we start can we revisit yesterday's AMAZING cliffhanger? In case you missed it, after a seeming eternity of Gilded Lily following Holden around the Lilypad and yelling at him, she got behind the wheel of her car ... and proceeded to try to mow down Quaker Oats Lady. (Chances are, knowing Lily, she missed.) For my money it's the best final-moment attempted vehicular homicide since the series finale of Popular, when Melissa Etheredge's babymomma tried to kill that annoying reporter chick from Iron Man.

"You .... BITCH." Vrrooooooooooooom! 

White. Hot.